An Eye for Everything.

Mataura Ensign, Issue 15, 3 August 1895, Page 2

An Eye for Everything.

[By Cyclops.] Of all the events of the past week, at home and abroad— financial statements, Armenian atrocities, tariffi reforms, and snowstorms — the Ball demands first place in this classic column, I do not intend to enter into tbe details of the affair— that has been already done by tho youthful scribe kept on the premises for that purpose — but I wish to enter a decided protest on behalf of soma nations other than our own. A number of gentlemen were present at the bill on Wednesday night, gorgeously attired in many-hued sateen, with strips of lace sawn coquettishly around their legs, calling themselves Italian or Spanish peasants. Peasants, indeed— why, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of those ! We have several dozens of roal Italian peasants padding the weary hoof in this country at the present time, jerking wheezy " Annie Kooneys " and bronchial "Love's Golden Dreams" from the delapidated internal economies of barrel organs, preside 1 over by one of our alleged ancestors — the pensive and sad-eyed monkey — and yet they never, as fir as I know, meander round on their mission of soul-torturing clothed in aateen and lace lee- straps. The bona fide Italian peasant, as we find him in New Zetland, is amazingly pleased when a sieve-like pair of shoddy pants, and a moth-chewed coat, cooooal his olive-tinted anatomy from the vulgar gaz9. Of course it may be that his peasant's uniform of pink sateen and lace leg frillines are worn underneath the more Bable garb, but I doubt it very much. But revenons a nos moulotis. At supper I sawed a few feet of meat from the chest of an unresisting dead turkey, and excavated some excellent stuffing from the place wberein his palpitating heart once beat fondly in unison with a similar organ possessed by a Miss or Mrs Turkey, until one day h.s alloted span of life came to an abrupt conclusion, and ere tha tears of bis loved ones had ceased to flow, he was being masticated by a swarm of heartless and hungry dancers. Full of solemn thoughts and roast turkey, I wended my way back to the giddy throng, and soon forgot the grief of. others in the enjoyment of a waltz with a partner of the " Other refuge have I none " variety. One thing, however, very noticeable, was the distinct tendency on the part of the gentlemen present to adopt costumes which exhibited, in all their native beauty, the shapely outlines of their respective legs. Conversing with an acquaintance— who, by the way, is a stranger here— in the ballroom, near a group of deceased monarchs and warriors, my friend lemarked, " You have some vtry brave men in Gore." " How so ? " I enquired. " Well," he replied. " I would call any body of men brave who would venture to dance on those legs." No budget of news would be complete without some reference to the heavy fall of snow experienced here. What a host of hoaryheaded and^grizzled lies it has called forth from the musty tomb of a well-nigh forgotten pist. One can scarcely vonture a remark upon the severity of the weather without being met with an avalanche of more or less — usually less— narrations, telling how, away back in the sixties, the snow lay three feet thick upon the ground for a month, until the sheep grew so desperately hungry that they chewed the wool of each others backs, and wefe tempering their two or four teeth — as the case m*y have been— preparatory to tackling the wire fences nhen the thaw came: or when a big flood devastated thit portion of the country in which the narrator lived, and the waters seethed and roared two feet deep in his front parlor, and everybody slept on the walls of the room, grasping, with that grip which an alUwise providence provides only on special occasions, tbe picture cords from which depended the likenesses of the prevaricator's ancestors. But then, I suppose, this is only another phase cf many-sided human, nature, and when we, who are yet in the heyday cf blooming youth, get up in years, we will piobably assume that we havo letters patent issuer! in our name to distort the truth when occasion demands, and will, no doubt, some day astonish our children's children and their children with a recital of an event still fresh in our minds of how, away back in '95, six feet of snow fell in Gore in one night; how business was entirely suspended for a month in consequence ; of how the Borough Council held a meeting and got through the business in an hour ; of how " Bist Gore " once told the truth; of how well, if we can successfully get these off our chest, we will be entitled to rank among the flower of the glorious anl numerous flock of old-time liars. AS the fostivo period of the year when dancing takes first place among our evening amusements is full upon us, I have been requested by many persons to compile an up-to-date handbook cf ball room etiquette for gentlemen. With the full knowledge of the necessity for such a thing, I gladly accede to their request, trusting my weak efforts will prove ot some service. Having made up your mind to honor a danco or ball with your presence, it is o'evjous tint the first step to bo taken is to getifj'ere, £ecupe 3, free pass, step in the back way, about for tbe doorkeeper, or, in tho event of these methods failing you, as a last resource, buy a ticket. Having successfully used any of the above suggestions, proceed pautiously along to the "gents" dressing room, where your will divert yourself of your superflous clothing and comb your hair, Hair oil, of course is a necessity, and you may use either ruby or lemon-flovoured, just as your prefer. 'Xhis done, take a good look round the room to ascertain who are the best dancers, remembering that your evening's enjoyment depends largely upon the superiority of your partners. Having settled whom you will ask to dance with you, approach the lady boldly. If you know her, so much the better, but if not. don't let that deter you. Introductions are a superfluous, and altogether unnecessary institution, especially if the ball or dance be fairly sslect — your presence there at any rate, should be a guarantee of its respectability. As aoon as the music strikes up, rush ao.-oss the room and grip your partnerCumberland or any other effective style will do. You know ladies positively adore a dashing pirtner. If you be not a good danc3r yourself, it is all the moro reason why you you should choose a good partner — ladi>s are at all times only too happy to show you the steps if you get mixed up at times. Should you bump up against, or knock over a few couples, neyer apologize. Persons may sometimes apologise, but gentlemen never do. Of course, on the other hand, should anyone run into you, don't hesitate to speak up ; you don't go to a dance so be sat on, do you ? If you parspire at all. mop your face and neck with a colored silk handkerchief— pale blue, or powder pink, according to whether you are a blonde or a brunette. At frequent intervals during the evening, go out for a drink and a smoke— porfumo of soraa sort about your person is indispetisiblo. While dancing, it is a great advantage to bo able to maintain a pleasing flow of conversation. Too few of our dincing men have tßia gift — for ouch it undoubtedly is — and no pains should bd spared to cultivate it. For example, you ahould fl ajik"your'pattner in . your everyday voice (if she be single) who is " right bower " now; enquire if you may " cart " her home after tha dance, making suitable interjections such as •' I'm gure !" " Go on ! " etc, ttc. from time to time. The right thing to siy will occur quite naturally bo you after a little practice. If your partner should be a married lady, some slight variations of the above suggestions might be advisable. Anyway, you 'coujd ji'sk if the " old man " ts working now, or whether h.o jo still keeping off the beer, and any other littlo pleasantry that might suggest itse'f to you as being appropriate. These thon are a few of the most jtxliont features of ball.room otiqustte affecting the conduct of gentlemen, and though space does not permit of my going as deeply into the subject as it deserves, I may my that any further information will bo given cheorfully on application to me at any time during business hours. The fascinating pastime of snowballing haa been pretty freely indulgod in during the past week, and my many friends and relatives will grieve to learn that even my gigantic intellect was not proof against the attacks of small boys. Indulging in my post meridiem stroll down Main street on Tuesday, clad— among other thiDgs— in my bi-weekly whits shirt, I was

lost in rapt contemplation of nature's lovely mantle of spotless purity, when a tightly packed fistful of the selfsame spotless purity, propelled by a youth wearing a large smile and a hole in his pants, struck me full in the glottis and white shirt. I did not— like a gentleman I recently read about— care about ihrashing the youth in the street or any other vital part, so returned his fire with similar material. My first shot took effect and I was ploaied to notice that it knocked a yard or two of epidermis off his countenance. My triumph was _ short lived however, as he got a particularly hard one home on my starboard top row of ribs, which made my fee decidedly giwgy for the time being. A little later, I shifted his ear two points due west, and matteis were assuming an alarming aspect when his mother providentially appeared on the scene, and, after gathering up the piece of epidermis I had je.led of her loving son, she led him solemnly away, and I doubt not but that the old old story of the la'ly, the carpet slipper and the prcstrate boy, was once more repeated with musical honors.