UNDER THE VERNDAH.

Marlborough Daily Times, Volume X, Issue 314, 18 July 1888, Page 2

UNDER THE VERNDAH.

Mash ! Masher !! Mashest! ! ! What a dreadful thing it is to contemplate that there still remains another degreo of inanity to which our young men may aspire. One would think it was impossible to improve on tho species as wo are accustomed to observe them, but like all sciences—for “ mashing ” is a science—it is progressing daily. There is no doubt in my mind that thero will bo as great a difference between the masher of twenty years to come aud the imbecile looking object that at present exists, as there is between an electric light and a tallow dip.

“ Aw, yes. Exactly. Do you think so, really. Positively. Dear me. Ha, ha, ha, it is astounding, One nevor knows.” This is the masher language that the girls adore. It has always been a puzzle to me why a girl prefers tho company of otic of these animated draper’s fashion blocks to that of a genuine, though mayhap simpler, honest man. But there is no accounting for tastes, a? wh.n Kate kissed the cow.

There arc certain sections of the community which aro more subject to tho ‘ mashing ” disease than others. Bank e’erks, for instance, get very bad attacks of it. Although I must confess that tho Blenheim ones aro rather an exception. Several of them even nod to me as they pass under the verandah. But it is not confined to them, as it attacks all classos, mechanics and others, even down to the barbers’ clerks. It does not look so much out of placo with bank clerks, becauso they can afford to lord it over tho common fry, they being in such close con? nuaion with the god of the day— nrion /.

Tito corporation will hive to file its shovel. Mr John Thomas Adolphus Fitzmauriec Browne, while crossing the bridge which spans the ditch between Alfred and High Streets, accidentally took the broad aud straight way into the ditch instead of the crooked and narrow passage across the bridge. It may have occurred to him that that was a more aristocratic way of fording the river. When ho emerged, covered with slime and mud, he threatened to sue the corporation for 1,10,000 damages -thatbeing *. the paltry sum at which lie assessed his W personal injuries. Being kindly accommodated for the night with quarters at the “ station,”, he generously forgave tho injury that had been demo to him, and instead of ruining tho borough he contributed “five bob” towards reducing general taxation.

I don’i want to split on the “little game,” but really, as one in whom “ there is no guile,” I desire to open the eyes of the Awatero Babbie Board t.o the fact tine they are the victims of misplaced confidence. I'k" time to time advices come to land that so many stents and weasels have been shipped. On arrival here it is found that perhaps twenty per cent of the invoice murnber are short. Ostensibly the- bui-.-ncj have died on the vorage, but unfortunately f< r the truth of that assumption, the lasi sad remains of the dr-nr deputed show that only a fraction of that numbtr have succumbed during the voyage. What has become of the balance There’s the rub. Were it not that I woo’d break c -fidmea, I could ca iiy suggwt an exp,, nation. During the first wo b’s voyage of tie steamer, the caretaker of the rnenageiie usually falls . victim to mif d-. mcr. T 1 e vicious little brutes re pure daily attendance-, ami while the distinguished caretaker is ho '.v df comfiftf, some of the passengers whose “region of honor” ii not so easily upset are <k-h-gat--il to act as waiter. Not b.-ing quite .- > expert n the handling of the “enemy” as the more accomplished caietakc, a lew escape, and are heard of no more, until squaring- up

timo comes, when they appear oa the invoice as active and healthy as the day on which they were shipped. As the animals are tallied at the port of embarkation, the Board is helpless, and has to anto-up for the number shipped. Having interviewed that distinguished officer on the steamer, tho chief polisher of the “ handle of the big front door,” ho confidsntially informs me that the verdant nature of members of tho Board is well known, and that the sta.cmont that tho ferocious little brutes, like tho Kilkenny cats, swallow each other is accepted without question. Tho remainder escapo - accidentally on purpose —to tho rat-infested holds, whero tho theory of tho survival of the fittest is ratified. In this way tho Shipping Company reap the bonefit of tho enterprise c' : splayed by the .Rabbit Board.

It is said that no man is a hero to his valet. I should imagine that the majority of the customers of a bank must feel the full force of this remark on corning into contact with tho bank clerk. His boasted wealth may bo taken for granted by the publie, but under the all-seeing eyo of tho bank clerk ho must quad.

During raco week at Nelson accommodation was at a very high premium, and one of tho visitors from Blenheim sought in vain for a bid on which to rest his weary bones. At length he got desperate and demandod accommodation in tho name of the law. The hotelkeeper said tho only thing ho could do for him was to let him have a bed with ono of the boarders, who happened to bo tho telephone clerk Ila'f a loaf be'ug bctlor than none, he accepted the offer. During tho night Ins companion caught hold of him by the thumb and spun it round at the rate of knots, then put his mouth to his ear and yelled out, ‘‘Aro you there f” Our astonished friend replied, “ I rather think so.” “ Wall,” said the clerk, 11 what number do you want 1”

Sir Dillon Bell must bo a finished diplomatist ; and if he manages tho business of tbo Colony on the same system of “ bluff ” with which lie appears to be managing bis own billot, very few at Home ought to be able to tako much advantage of l-’in. Firstly, it is given out that ho wants to be rolieved of the position, which seems strange, when there is LI2OO a-year tacked on to it. Then comes tho news that lie may be induced to accept another term. He is accordingly asked to sacrifice himself on the altar of his country for another » v '"00 years, and not he included in tho retrenchment seliemo. lie weeps, he prays for strength to hear his lot, and finally sends word that if they hko to allow him to make the sacrifice for four years ho wi” do so, not otherwise. Would that we had more patriots bko h :, n.

Mr Withy wants Lloo,ooo more retrenched. Mr Withy is a reputed wealthy man, who only seeks power and docs not valuo pay. Tho only way tho retrenchment moved for can bo made is by taking something off each and every lineman, messenger, railway laborer, &c., in tho Government service. A' l this is proposed for the amelioration of tho burden of the worlrng man. How ptfi'authropic ! Mr Withy would have had much more rospuct from mo if ho had proposed to forego his honorarium, and tried to induce tho other patriots of his own way of thinking to do tho same, instead of taking it off tho working man and measily paid undustrappers in the seivico. It is a new method of casing a wori ‘ng man’s lot, taking six shillings a week off his wages to prevent him paying a possible sh - ' - ng a week in extra taxes. P. Ten ax.