CONFESSIONS OF A PLUM PUDDING.

Lyttelton Times, Volume LXXXI, Issue 10235, 2 January 1894, Page 3

CONFESSIONS OF A PLUM PUDDING.

"Spotted Dick,” they sometimes call me; but, as Shakspere says,“What’s m a name?” I’m quite satisfied to be described on the bill of fare as "Plum Pudding,” alongside of my old chum, Mince Pie. Certainly, he’s a cold-blooded villain, and has killed more people than his distant relative. Cholera, who, by-the-bye, is a Germ’un; but, take it all in all, ! consider myself the champion slaughterer of the world.

I cau - trace my ancestors' back'_ to the Flood, and every churchyard contains the remains of many people whom I have met.

There is no more important personage, at this season of . the year,, than your humble servant. lam discussed by every housewife with her neighbours, and am duly cussed by their husbands 'when 'the 'grocers’ bills come in; but of this mom anon.' ' ■" ;

Mrs Smith tells Mrs Browh. in ft eftset, mysterious, gunpowder-plotty, under-the-breath sort of way, that, "a pint of Jam-a-ker rum is the thing of all others to bring out the flavour, and make you * wink the other eye.’” Mrs Jones tells Mrs Robinson that she’s certain of one thing, which is, that the Gobblers next door use chespsuetand "threepenny” raisins, and that her hus» baud’s cousin by his first wife was ini the. shop: when Mrs Gobbler ’ bought four pounds of bartel-Bcrapfed currants at "two-and-a-half.” “Shameful!” says Sirs ■Robinson; "she needn’t hold her nead up' so mighty high after that. I only hope she won’t bring a slice of it round here ; or, when she tastes mine, she’ll turn green with envy,” " Ah!” says Mrf Highrent to her neighbour, Mrs Heapaobrass, "we always make our puddings so rich that they, fall to pieces immediately they are turned out on the dish.” “ Indeed,” replies Mrs Heapaobrass. "Well, our cook, who, you know, was with , thevDuchess of Fortwyne for some years, declares that our recipe is. the most expensive that the combined efforts. • of Soyer and Prancatelli could possibly conceive. And several of our friends, who are epicures, have said, so rich aid 'our puddings, that two slices would bring on an attack of apoplexy." And thus flows the gastronomi cal- confab in every land where King Duff reigns supreme. What matters it whether, they use “ threepenny.” “ loutpenny,” or “fl’penny ” raisins? Whether they put_in sherry, port, ram, brandy, or the plebeian porter; whether there’s too much or too little suet ? If I don’t kill them outright, Ha! „Ha! I send to the Demon , Dyspepsia for some of his seeds, which grow to such a size that it gnaws their vitals, tears their heart-strings, coagulates their circulation, makes their brains throb and their limbs falter, brings "-prows* feet” around their orbits, and destroys their peace, of mind, until frenzied with insomnia, and fall of imaginary horrors, they mount the parapet of despair, and sink into the muddy waters below. ‘ Oh! I’m a terror when I like, but I can he kind to those who treat me with respect. Do not be lured by my luscious charms into the belief that I am as good as I look. "Still waters run deep.” Well, I am deep; there’s nothing superficial about me. I am, as the Yankees say,'" solid right down to the ground.” I have- a bad temper, but am conceited enough to be humoured. If you ate an invalid, beware t A little of me goes a long way. If you are an infant or an aged pilgrim, don’t ask to see me twice the same day. If 1 smile on you benignly; if people tell you that lam poor and plain, or that I wouldn’t hurt .- a soul, believe them not; treat meas a tramp treats hard work. , There is but one individual who fears me not, who dates to laugh me to scorn, who shakes his puny fist in my face until I tremble in the pot, and fairly tboxl over with rage. Impregnable though I *am; victor of all victors; conqueror of all conquerors ; fearing neither man, woman, bird, beast, nor fish—yet, when- this insatiable ogre meets me on the .battlei field ! am, indeed, cowed, and have to drop down on my bended knees before—the ■boy with the’ cast-iron stomach] The internal or infernal omachinery of * this gourmand attains, its full growth at the sga of twelve, and the rest of the body takes nine years to grow round it. During those nine years I do my level best to ruin his digestion, bub in vain Even after he has disposed of several. ’ thick slices of me cold, he will, instead of doubling up in agony, actually .go out and swap his knife for a cocoanut;, and, just when lam grinning to myself about the hard work that I am giving hi* gastric juice, down, comes this blessed cocoanut in half-inch, chunks, preceded, of course, by the milk, which is generally bad enough to curdle the insides oi!-'_a dozen adults. I get that mad, that I, comet mss feel like giving up annoying people altogether. But my revenge comes surely, if slowly ; ..that boy must grow, into manhood.'... Ha takes unto mm a wife ; there 'are more mouths for him to feed.' My pal, Worry upsets his mind, and then, when'he dares to tackle me, thinking that he can do with me what he did years before, I give him a back -hander below the belt that knocks him silly. Ha may-rise, and strike out, and hit me once or twice in a feeble sort of way; but as certain ss his cast-iron stomach once polished me off, and then made sarcastic remarks, when the suet was a bit queer, about my being a rank duffer, so surely do I now hurl him on bis beam ends, stab him through and through, and rack him limb from limb until he cries for mercy. Then the doctor takes him in hand to counteract the effects of his tournament with me, and in a few days he rises with crest-fallen countenance, declaring himself vanquished, and takes ft double-barrelled oath that he will treaty me with the very greatest deference and respect saj long a* he lives. ' ■ ■