ETIQUETTE UP TO BATE.

Lyttelton Times, Volume LXXVI, Issue 9512, 7 September 1891, Page 6

ETIQUETTE UP TO BATE.

(Hau-Ic,) The present etiquette books are apparently merely compiled for the use of very common-place persons of respectability, and are sadly behind the times. Latterday events have shown us that, according to the newspapers, ladies and gentlemen are deplorably lacking in tact, and have no idea how they should behave when they have the chance of meeting and conversing freely with the criminal classes. In order to supply this sad deficiency so that ladies and gentlemen may know how to behave under what may be to them difficult circumstances, I have, after course of the Newgate Calendar, and a dinner in a thieves’ kitchen compiled the following, so that the feelings of the inhabitants of Criterion corner may not’ Ibe wounded by well-meaning but irresponsible hosts and hostesses of country houses• Q. —What should you say to the man who produces a nine from his sleeve at baccarat ? A.—Merely remark that the nine of spades is reckoned by superstitious persons as the most unlucky card in the pack, and request him therefore not to do it again. Q.—What should you do to the man who obviously conges the cut ? A.—Cut him in return. Q. —What should you say to the man from whose pocket you see dangling half of the watch chain that was stolen from you five minutes ago ? A. —Casually hum the verse "If you want to know the time, ask a p’licemau,” which will give him a hint as to what you intend to do without wounding his feelings. Q.-—What should you do when a man asks you to change a note on the Bank of Elegance? A.—Eemarksmilingly, “Whereelegance is this, ’tis jolly to be wise," and say it will make an excellent pipe-light. Q. —What should you say to the man whom you find leaving your house at midnight with your family plate under his arm?

A.-—Observe that kleptomania is very catching, and that you were the champion heavy-weight of your year, and can do a mile in 5.46.

Q.—What should you say to the man m. who in a dark tunnel puts a pistol to your ” head and demands your money or your life ?

A. —Ask him if he would not be able to shoot siraighter if you lib a match, an.d remark that you have just rung up the guard to bring yon one. Q. —What should you say to your guest when he is called for by the police ? A.—Shako him by the hand, saying, “ There ia a good ' time ’ coming.” Q.—What should you do’on meeting the man who runs away with your wife ? A.—Eemark toujouvs les femmes and say you hate podple who snore. ‘ v Q. —How--should you treat-the man whotries to make capital out of a long-forgotten indiscretion?” A.—Eemark that indiscretion is the better part of valour, leaving Mm .to infer that he ia a coward. Q.—What should you do to the man who arrives at your house in the middle pf a dinner party the worse for drink ? A.—Leave your guests and your table and take him to dine at tho club. Q. —Whatshould you say to the man who forges your signature to a cheque, and on the afcreogth of it draws half your money from the Bank ? A.—Assure him that according to Euclid the whole is greater than the half. Q.—What should you say to the man who “ piilla ” a horse in a race ? A.—There’s nothing like leather.