MARK TWAIN ON BABIES.

Lyttelton Times, Volume LIII, Issue 5949, 20 March 1880, Page 3

MARK TWAIN ON BABIES.

. At a banquet given to General Grant in Chicago by the Army of the Tennessee, Mark Twain was called upon to respond to the toast of “Thebabies; as they comfort us in onr sorrows, let us not forget them in onr festivities.” Mr Clemens said —"I like that. We have not all had the good fortune to be ladies ; we have not all been generals, or poets or statesmen, but when the toast works down to the babies we stand on common ground—(laughter)—for we have all been babies. (Renewed laughter.) It is a shame that for a thousand years the world’s banquets have utterly ignored the baby—(laughter)—aeif he didn’t amount to anything. (Laughter.) If you will stop and think a minute—if you will go back fifty or a hundred yeais to your early married life— (laughter) —and re-contem-plate your first baby—you will remember that he amounted to a great deal, and even something over. (Roars.) When he called for soothing syrup, did you venture to throw out any side remarks about certain services being unbecoming an officer and a gentleman ? (Boisterous laughter.) No ; you got up and got it, (Great laughter.) When he ordered his pap bottle, and it was not warm, did you talk back ? Not you. (Laughter.) You went to work and warmed it. You oven descended bo far in your menial Office as to take a suck at that warm, insipid stuff—(laughter)—just to see if it was right —three parts water to one of milk, a touch of sugar to modify the colic, and a drop of peppermint to kill those immortal hiccoughs. (Boars.) I can taste that stuff. (Laughter.) And how many things you learned as you went along! Sentimental young folks still take stock in that beautiful old saying that when the baby smiles it is because the angels are whispering to him. Very pretty, but too thin—simply wind on the stomach, my friends. If the baby proposed to take a walk at his usual hour, two o’clock in the morning, didn’t you rise up promptly, and remark, with a mental addition which would not improve a Sunday school book, that that was the very thing you were about to proposeyourself? (Great roars.) Oh! you were under good discipline, and as you went faltering up and down the room in your undress uniform, you not only prattled undignified baby-talk, but even tuned up your martial voice and tried to sing, ‘ Hoci-a-by-babyin the tree-top,’ for instance. (Great laughter.) What a spectacle for an Army of the Tennessee. And what an affliction for the neighbours, too, for it is not everybody within a mile around that likes military music at three in the morning. (Laughter.) The idea that a baby doesn’t amount to anything! Why one baby has just a house and a front yard full by itself. ■ (Laughter.) One baby can furnish more business than you and your whole Interior Department can attend to. (Laughter.) He is enterprising, irrepressible, brimtul of lawless activities. (Laughter.) Do what you please, you can’t make him stay on tbe reservation. Sufficient unto the day is one baby. (Laughter.) As long as you are in your right mind don’t you ever pray for twins. [Mr Clemens is the father of a pair.] Twins amount to a permanent riot. (Laughter.) And there ain't any real difference between triplets and an insurrection. (Uproarious shouts.) Yes, it was high time for a toast to the masses to recognise the importance of the babies. And ii some cradle of to-day, the illustrious Com-mander-in-ohief of the American armies is so little burdened with his approaching grandeurs and responsibilities as to be giving his whole strategic mind at this moment to trying to find seine way to get his big toe into his mouth'— (laugnter)—an achievement which, meaning no disrespect, the Ulustrions guest of this evening turned his attention to some fifty years ago; and if the child is hut a prophecy of the man, there are mighty few who will doubt that he succeeded. (Laughter and applause.)"