IN LIGHTER VEIN.

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXIII, Issue 3074, 2 November 1929, Page 2

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

Teacher: "Now, Tommy, which ruler inspires the most respect and fear?" Tommy: "Please, sir, the one on your desk."

"I want you to cure me of my deafness, doctor." "Are you married?" "Yes." "Then why do you want to be cured?"

Curate: "I'm very glad to see you coming to church regularly, Mrs Black." Mrs Black: "Oh, yes, sir, I'll be coming often now. I does it to spite my husband. He hates me going to church."

Little Doris had been misbehaving herself. While her daddy was reproving her she smiled sweetly. "Why do you smile, Doris?" asked her daddy. "Well, teacher told us that Napoleon met all his troubles with a smile.'

Bertie's school report had been received. "I'm losing patience with you!" exclaimed his father. "How is it young Jones is always at the top of the class, while you are at the bottom?" The boy looked at his father reproachfully. "You forget, dad," he ,said kindly, "that Jones has awfully clever parents."

A schoolmistress, taking a class of boys in arithmetic, asked one sturdy little fellow: "What are four sevens?" The little chap answered immediately, "Twenty-eight!" "That's gtood," said the mistress; "very good indeed!" "Good be blowed!" said the smart little boy; "it's perfect!"

Mispress: "The main thing here is honesty. The last maid stole the silver spoons." New Maid: "You needn't fear anything from me, ma'am. I'm bound over for a year."

Customer: "Ii don't care for the look of these kippers." Salesman: "If it's l|ooks you're wjanting, madam, may I recommend these goldfish "

"How do you like your new French mujsic teacher, Helen?' 1 ' "Hfe's a very polite man. When I made a mistake yesterday he said: 'Pray, mademoiselle, why do you take such pains to improve on eethoven?"

Voice (on telephone) : "Oh, please, tell the doctor to hurry round at once. My little girl has swallowed a needle." Maid: "Well, the doctor is very busy just now. Did you want the needle at once?"

Man (employed by a Soot) : "I have been here ten years, sir, doing three men's work for one man's money, and now I want a rise." Employer: "I doot I canna gi'e ye that, but if ye'll tell me the names of the other two men I'll fire 'em."

Two men were hotly discussing a novel. Finally one of them, an author, said to the other: "No, old man, you can't appreciate it. You've never written a book yourself." "Granted." retorted the other man. "I never laid an egg, either, but I'm a better judge of an omelet than any hen in the world."

"Daddy, did Solomon have seven hundred wives?" "Yes." "Daddy" (after a pause for reflection), "why did they call him the wisest man."

Father (about midnight): "What time is it, Maud?" Maud: "Fred's watch isn't going." Father: "How about Fred?"

Billy (doing home-work) : "Father, is 'Whisky and soda' joined together with a " Father (absently) : "Siphon, my boy."

"What did he marry for?" "For sympathy." "And he didn't get even that?" "Oh, yes, he did—from his friends."

"My dear, the doctocr says a brisk walk before going to bed will cure my in*>nVhi,a." '-'Well,"- murmured his wife, "I'll clear the, , room so that yo can walk, and you'd better take the baby with you."

- G. : "I made two calls this afternoon and I must have left my umbrella at the second place." R.: "How do you know you didn't leave it at the first place? 7 ' "Impossible! There's where I got it."

Father: "What's the matter, Alice?" Alice: "Freddie and I have parted for ever!" "Urn! In that case he won't be calling for a couple of nights 1"

Stout Lady (in park): "I am going to have a ride on one or' the donkeys, and I'll pay for one for you if you will accompany me." Small Boy: "Thank 'oe, m'm, but I'd rather sit here and laugh."

"What is meant, John, by the phrase, 'carrying coal to Newcastle'?" "It is a metaphor, my dear, showing the doing of something! that is unnecessary." "I don't exactly understand. Give me an illustration—a familiar one." "Well, if I were to bring you home a book entitled 'How to Talk' that would be carrying coals to Newcastle."

"My dear," said the motorist reflectively, as the car sped along the Bath Road towards London, "wasn't that a wonderful gorge at Cheddar?" His wife sniffed.. "Surely you must be absent-minded, George. Don't you remember we had only a couple of poached eggs?"

"How's your car running?" "Not so good. I can't keep it throttled down.'' "How's your wife?" "Oh, she's just about the same."

Golfer: Hi, caddie! Isn't Major Pepper out of that bunker yet? How many strokes has he had?Caddie: Seventeen ordinary, sir, and one apoplectic 1

Store Manager: What do you mean by arguing •with that customer? Don't you know our rule? The customer is always right.

Floorwalker: I know it. But he insisted that he was wrong.

Customer: I should like to try that frock on in the window.

Assistants Sorry, madam, but the management will friott allow that. Would you care to try it on in our private fitting room?

The small, aggressive person in the corner of the carriage had been sleeping for some port of the way, obviously "under the influence'' according to the lights of the law.

The ticket collector woke him, and a grumbling, fumbling search began. "Well, look here," the official remarked at last, "You'll» bally well have to buy another ticket, if you had one at all."

The exasperated and inebriated one glared at him. "And how th' divil am I to know where I'm going if I don't find my ticket first?"

A young lawyer had a foreign client in a police court. It looked rather black for the foreigner, and the lawyer fairly outdid himself in trying to convince the magistrate that his client was innocenti. The lawyer dwelt on the other's ignorance of our customs, his straightforward story, and enough other details to extend the talk fully fifteen minutes. His client was acquitted. In congratulating the freed man the lawyer held out his hand in an absent though rather suggestive manner. The client grasped it warmly. "Dot was a fine noise you make," he said. "Tanks. Goo'bye."

The defendant in the breach of promise action was a singularly ugly little man.

"Gentlemen of the jury," said his cousasel, "you've heard the evidence of the plaintiff, and you've doubtless admired her. Now, do you believe this enchanting, this fascinating), this captivating, this accomplished girl, would favour the advances or listen, save with scorn, to the amorous, protestations of the wretched and repulsive creature, the deformed and degraded defendant?" His client tried to interrupt. "Silence, sir!" replied his counsel, in an undertone. "Gentlemen," he continued, "do lyou think this girl would ever have permitted an offer of marriage to be made her by this miserable atom of humanity, who would have to stand on a penny to look over tuppence?" The jury thought not. Verdict, for defendant.