Page 4 Advertisements Column 3

Hawke's Bay Herald, Volume XXVII, Issue 9267, 29 April 1892, Page 4

Mr Richard Ashe King has an article on "Weh Colloquial Wit and Humor,' | in Bclgravia, from which the following is an extract :— An English fellow traveller, with whom I was returning from Dublin to Bradford, said to me, " Keally, those I Irish fellows are a queer lot I In MorI rison's Hotel, where I was staying, there was a poor waiter, bo ill that he could hardly crawl about, and I said ot him (as he stood ou the steps to see me off) to the oarman, ' That poor fellow lookß shockingly ill I' 'Ochl 111! Sure, he's dead these two months, only he's too lazy to close his eyes I ' " A friend of my father's hod a servant called Jerry Doerty, c handy man, who was of Invaluable service to bim— until poor Jerry took to drink. His master, as much In his own Interests as in Jerry's, was continually trying to reform him and to this end ho would read out tc .Jerry from the newspaper every story ol crime or of trouble traceable to drink, which he Oould liud in them. At last he came upon a story which might have reformed Bardolph. It was a thrilling tale of a drunkard who was so saturated witl whisky that his breath caught fire as hi was blowing out a candle, Bet his insldi ablnz-i as it would have set ony othei whisky cisk, and burned him to ashes it five minutes. " Now, Jerry ; now Jerry,' urged his master, with tho solemnity o au adjuration, "let this be a warning t< youi' "Oh, begor it will so, sir I' groaned the horrified Jerry. "I'll neve blow a candle out again tbe loogesht daj I live I " PEOPLE WHO OUGHT TO RIFORM. List No. 3 The Insurance Agent The Butcher The Bank Manager Tho insurance agent who moeteth ns it the street, smiletli beuigoantly, poked us in the ribs geutly and familiarly, ant subtly insinuated! that we looketh ill ant deathlike, and asketh un whether wi thiuketh it the square thing to marry I beautiful, blushing bride (meaning Mr Blank) and thou leave her to the mercy o a cold cold world, unprovided for, Wi meekly nak, ' Where wo come ln 1 ' am he immediately denonnceth us with grea and exceeding wrathfulness, and there upon ho leaveth us with tho mysteriou remark, ' I'm coming np to see you om day ou business,' ami it is only then tha we realise that the inhuman monster hai been simply paving the way for the sail KiKirifss, Notwithstanding this reflection we feel utterly and numitigatingly mi«er able, nnd nro -constrained iv consequenci to adjourn to the nearest refreshment ba at which wo revive ourselves by partakiui of a little light refreshment— te wit Buchanan's Housk of Commoni Whisky. We are now more than eve convinced that tho insurance agent ongh to reform. The man (or, to speak mon appropriately) ' that person ' that denie that House of Commons Wuisky is tin only Scotch whisky (hat is supplied t< the House of Commons, that sayelh i (the whisky we mean) is not tbe pures and best— the most agreeable and delicatt to tho taste— ho ought to reform o: migrate to the place where ' untruthful ness is bliss,' and where "Tis folly to b< otherwise. Tbe butcher, who palmeth off on to lib too confiding customers the flesh of eomi aucient sheep, and calleth it 'Prime young lamb,' The bank manager, who Invariably silenceth a clamorous customer, aud ln«taully reduces him to abject subjection by mysterious references to that greal bogie man — tbe imaginary genera] mauager or inspector. lit The low value of fat Btock in some parts of New South Wales is shown in the following extract from the Wclliugton Gazette, At the Orange sale-yards lately "broken-mouthed ewes were sold at 8d per head, and eventually biddings were confined to 20i per 100. Fat sheep brought up to 3< Od each. This is a deplorable state of thiegs, neither good for producer nor consumer. Surplus stock and fear of drought are the cause of the low prices ruling. We are informed that thero is now coming down Curra Creek a mob of cows from Queenslaud, which can be bought at 10s per head, Boiling down is being commenced on ono or more of the Macquarie stations. Messrs A. Lyneand Co. offered at auction at Nyngan recently 3500 ewes from two loolh up, mostly four-year-old. They succeeded in placing 500 at 2.i, and passed in tho balance, which they subsequently sold privately at a roductioD. A Wellington owner was off-rod £2 a head for a mob of fat builocks. CONUNDRUMS WANTED. For the purpose of exercising the originality of our youngsters Bt the coming Christmas and New Year parties, the Waterbury Watch Company will give ono of llieir new watches to the boy aud girl under 00 years of age who will send in j the best original pun, joke, conundrum, charade, or acrostic ou the Waterbury waich to the Waterbury Watch Company, | P.O. Box 101), Dunedin, not later than 7th January, '92, Acrostics must not bo any more abstruse than the third problem in Euclid, puns not more thun ordinarily villainous, and any jokes submitted must be pungent enough to dawn on the average Scotchman within ono week from the period of administration. Any communications which do not come up to these standards will not ho utilised, and if anything moro than usually brilliant appears iv our advertising everyone will have a chance of laying claim to il. The four veracious anglers who caught the i plaster of paris trout in " Three Men in a Boat" will bo nowhere with the people who will have contributed anonymously every smart thing that we may receive. 134 ROWLAND* ODDNTO OH PKAKL DKNTIFIUCE Is of Inestimable valuo In presorvtnir and boautifylng tho teolb, Bironsithonlng iho gums, and giving a pleasant frugranco to Uio breath; lt eradicates tartar from iho teeth, prevents and arrests decay, and polishes and proeerves thn enamel, to which lt imparts a p^a-iUke whiteness iiocsyof tbo teeth originates In the unseon chinks and crevices whoro acids aro gonrrated whloh dcslroy tbollmo of which teeth aro prlnolpally composed ; thesi flaws then becomo ths losldonco of parasltod. whloh complete the destruction which acidity haß oomtnonced . Rowlands' Oi onto ib an anilacH, ontl-parosltlc and slightly alkaline tooth powder; will ponelrato to tho hidden parts o( Ihe t> oth, and preserve and beautify I hem far years. Rowlands' KBBKf.CE of Tyhk dyes red or groy liiir a potniaoont brown or bbok, is. Ask any druggist for Rowlands articles. 103 \ u^^——— mmv ! m —— mu —————————————— mm r— 1 ' m r f??Zr- WHY WILL YOU BUFFKK fa '-) FROM NKRVOUB, WABT EWI ,no j ftn<l DKBILITATING _ •_. \ 1)1.iKA81.3 which destroy fc-^l' tho VITAL FOKOBB of . r \ MANHOOD 1 You may now J-.jißr euro yoursolvos without "LuT COi SOLVING a DOOTOR. OTJ Bend Six Penny (N.Z.I Btmp3 i»r the now MKDICAL BitO iHUitli!, containing tho Frenoh method of QUHIK, PKRMANKNT. BKIjF-C UItK. Address— Parisian Agonoy Oo„ Hox 7ns Bvlnny 108 A SUFFERER from Nervous and | . Wauling Debility. Loss ot Vigor Arc,, ' waß restored to health ln snob, a RKjUAIIKABL'fi AIANNKR, after all also hud FAILKI), tbat he will on receipt of a uelf-nddroasod, Btampßd envelope, e-cuu the mode of ouro i KKKU to all follow-aui/ereia. Address A, Uluer, G.P.U., isVu.-.j/ KOTIOE. i JMERbBY givo notice that J intend applying for a Slauijhtcihoueo | Llocnio for my PrcnvUoa at Buravlow, Hor j bcrtvillo, JOHN SPfIEDY. ' j HerbertviUe, 29th March 1892. Sll j