THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 22975, 4 June 1938, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Granted.—He walked for miles, tired and hungry, until he came to a farmhouse. It was late, and the family had gone to bed. He knocked on the door, arid at last a window was raised and a man’s voice said: “What do you want?” “ I want to stay here,” was the reply, “ All right, stay there!”_ said, tha voice, and down went the window. Milk and Honey.—The anti-tobacco crank was holding forth. “ You go into a tobacconist’s shop.” l he bawled. “ You place sixpence on tha counter, you get a packet of cigarettes—and you get more. For in the wake of those cigarettes come beer, brandy,'gin, and ” “ Lummy!” interrupted one of his listeners. “ Who’s yer tobacconist?” * * * * A Sharp One.—A young Irishman ab a party mostly composed of Scotsmen made several attempts to crack a joke, and, failing to evoke a smile from hia companions, became angry and explained: “ Why, it would take'a gimlet to put a joke into the heads of you Scotsmen!” One of them replied: “ Aye, but tha gimlet would need to be mair pointed than thae jokes.” »*■ » • Odds, Bobs, Hammer, Tongs.— “ Did you keep to tho diet I prescribed for you? ” “I’ve tried to, doctor, but it hasn’ti been easy.” “ Nonsense! I said you were to eajj what your three-year-old baby boy; eats,” , “Yes, doctor; I know. Candles, pieces of coal, shoe laces, india rubber. ...” ***■•» Oh, La La!—A Frenchman was relating his experience in studying tha English language. He said:— “ When I first discovered that if I was quick I was fast; that if I was tied I was fast; if I spent too freely I was fast, and that not to eat was to fast, I was discouraged. But when I came across the sentence. ‘ The first one won one one-dollar prize,’ I gave up trying.” • « ♦ * Aided and Abetted—A kind-hearted English vicar one day observed an old woman laboriously pushing a perambulator up a steep hill. He volunteered his assistance, and when they reached the top of the Jiill said, in answer to her thanks; . , Oh, it’s nothing at all. I’m delighted to do it. But. as a little reward. mav I kiss the hahy? ” , “Baby? Lor’bless yon, sir, it ain’V no baby. It’s the old man's beer.” •*• * • Business Initiative.—Two men joined the police force. They were so keen that they summoned dozens of people on minor charges, and most of the defendants had to pay fines. The two young constables were oh the'eve orpromotion when the inspector was sur-; prised to receive their resignations. “ Why do vou wish to leave tho force?” he asked. “ Are you discontented in any way? ” “ It’s not that,” replied one of them, “Myself and Dan intend starting a station of our own. He’ll run in tha beggars and I’ll fine them. ♦ , ♦ * ■♦ ■ • Second Instalment.—The old stranger shuffled into the country inn Sixtytwo years ago,” he said, I left thi* place a penniless boy with no prospects. All I had was five shillings lent mo bv mv schoolfellow, Jack Wilkins. I suppose he is dead ?’ ’ “ That he isn-t ;j cried an aged man. I m Jack Wilkins, and let me be the first man to welcome you back to your old home rich and famous.” All the villagers cheered “ I’m wondering,” said the returned native, “ whether you can lend me another five shillings ?” • *' ** He Didn’t Belong to Her.—A woman sitting in a tram next to a little bpy was asked for her fare by the conductor, “ Twopenny,” she said brusquely. . . “ And ’ow about the little boy ?. 1 asked the conductor, “ You’ll need » ticket for him.” “No, I won’t.” , “Youwill. ’Owoldia «? “ Dunno.” . , “Well, I do. ’E’s six if ’e’s a day. That’ll be another penny.” The woman refused to pay, and * heated argument began. Suddenly th® child spoke up. . , “Aw’ shut up!” he exclaimed, “ Here’s your penny. And, anyway, she ain’t my ma. Never seen the old girl in my life!” •■• • ■ • That’s That.—Dad had spent a coupl® of hours collecting worms from th® lawn. . ' “I’ve no time to destroy them jus* now,” he explained to his wife before he' went out. “ I’ll get rid of them when I come back.” A little later four-year-old Bobby oame in with the air of one who had done his good deed for the day. , . “ I’ve got rid of all the worms for daddy, mum. I’ve dug a great big hoi* in the garden and buried the lot. • • • • Fisherman Indeed—An Edinburgh councillor told a good angling story the other evening. One day a big man watched an angler casting in a stream for some time, and eventually inquired i “ Had any luck?” . “ Yes,” replied the fisher, “ I took thirty-one trout out of here yesterday.” “ That’s interesting,” said the inquirer. “By the way, do you know who I am ? lam the seniqr magistrate in this district, and this stream happens to he on my estate.” “ Ah! Do you know who I am?’*' responded the angler. “ I am the champion liar in the district.’* •** ‘ • The Philosopher.—A pedestrian crossed a traffic-filled street while looking up at an aeroplane overhead. Three buses shaved him so closely tha 1 * his beard didn’t appear again for a week, the wind from six passing cars raised the nap on his last year’s suit, one five-passenger car removed th,® shine from the back of his left shoe, and the drivers of seven other assorted makes, while stripping their geant in an effort to avoid him, also stripped their vocabularies of every (known highpowered adjective. After stumbling over the kerbstone on the farther side of the road, the pedestrian was heard to murmur: “My gracious, those ais» men lead dangerous lives.”