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ALLEGED WIT.

Where you place your child is my/ first; what you make your child is my eecon4* ai|4 a Court ornament is iny •whole.— Where did Noah strike tho fiiat nail of the AJtfct—On the head. Why ia a lady who is presented with tickets for 10 ball* like, a lawyer or a physician F—Because aha is paid for at-WB-dances. What kind of hunting is that in which neither horses nor hounds are used in - tha pursuit of game which, is usually of the feminine gender!— Fortune-hunting. Why is an officer encamped like a person very attentive to the solution of this conundrum he is in-tent. Why are tall people tha laziest?— Because they are always the longest in bed. Why is an industrious tailor never at homef-r-Because he ia always cutting out. My first ia a proposition, my second a composition, my third an acquisition. — For-tuno. My first ia to he seen in the sky, my second conquers kings and quaens, and my whole is what I would, offer to a friend in distress.—Sol-ace. Overheard in the Trenches. —First Tommy : " And what will we do wi' the blighters when we've beaten 'em?" Second Tommy: " Why, give 'em 'Ome Rule, I suppose." The Germans were anxious to make a " corner" in Calais-co, but they leave Jellicoc severely alone. Father (gruffly) : " Get away from the fire, Tommy. The weather isn't cold." Tommy: "Well, I'm not warmin' the weather. I'm warmin' my hands." Tommy (after a long, lingering survey of his uncle, who had lost an arm and j a leg while fighting for his country) ;, " Is that why you are on half-pay, uncle?" I Elderly Matron : " You shouldn't mind | the baby crying a little. It strengthens his lungs." Younger Matron : " On, no doubt; but it weakens his father's religion so." He : " Well, I'm willing to admit that I was wrong." She : "You'll have to do more than that." He : "What more can I do!" She : " Admib that I was right." "Splendid color, isn't it!" asked the fishmonger, cutting open a salmon. "Yes," replied, the purchaser, "looks as if it were blushing at the price you ask for it." Smart Youth t " I make my living by my pen." Rustic: "So do I." Smart Youth: "I wouldn't take you for an author." Rustic : " I'm not. I'm a dealer in pigs." Pantomime Comedian : "I can't go on for a minute, sir, I feel fanny." Manager: "Funny! Great Scot, man! Go on at once and make the most of it while it lasts." The Leading Man : " It's hard for a person to forget the past." The Ingenue : " That's so. I've often noticed that you lide-step involuntarily when a bouquet is suddenly thrown at you." "I remember one picture that brought tears to my eyes." " A pathetic subject, I presume?" "No, sir; it was a fruit painting. I was sitting close under it when it dropped on my head." Kind Lady j " What caused you to adopt this way of living?" Tramp : "It was me savin' disposition. I got into the habit of savin' meself as much work as possible, and I couldn't quit it." Binks (who ordered a pancake halt* an hour previously) : " Er—l—say, will that pancake be long?" Waitress: "No, sir, it'll be round." Then he waited patiently another half an hour. "Now," said the physician, "you will have to eat plain food, and not stay out late at night." "Yes," replied the patient, " that is what I have been thinking ever since you sent in your bill." Chronic Grumbler : " Here, waiter, what ire these chops, lamb or pork ?" Waiter : "Can't you tell by the taste?" Chronic Grumbler : " No." Waiter : " Well, then, what difference does it make ?" Slow Waiter: " Have I ever been in the country, sir? No, sir. Why do you ask ?" Tired Customer : " I was just thinking how thrilling you'd find it to sit on the fence and watch the tortoises whiz by." The Preacher : " I'm going to pray that you'll forgive O'Rourke.tor having thrown that brick at yon." O'Rafferty (propped up in bed): " No, wait until I get well, and then pray for O'Rourke." •'Can a layman write a will that will hold?" "He can, if he sticks to ordinary English," answered the lawyer. " It's when he tries to handle the ' to-wits' and \he 'Whereases' that he falls down." Teacher (to dull boy in mathematics) : 'You should be ashamed of yourself. sVhy, at your age George Washington was 1 surveyor." Pupil: "Yes, sir; at your ige he was President of the United States." The superintendent of a Sunday School waa illustrating for the class the text: "Arise and take the young child and his mother, and flee inw Egypt." Showing the children a large picture, he asked : "Now, isn't that splendid? Here is the mother, here is the young child; and there's Egypt in the distance." The children, however, looked disappointed, and finally one little boy piped out i " Please, teacher, where'a the flea?" "Not big enough! D'yer know 'oo I un? D'ye know foive year ago I waa champion light-weight o' Wapping?" " I've no doubt you're a good man; but, you see, you don't come up to the required measurements, so I'm afraid that's the end of it." "Oh, all right, thenOnly, mind yer, if yer go an p lose this 'ere war—well, don't blame me—that's all."—' Punch.'

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https://paperspast.natlib.govt.nz/newspapers/ESD19141223.2.68

Bibliographic details

ALLEGED WIT., Evening Star, Issue 15683, 23 December 1914

Word Count
890

ALLEGED WIT. Evening Star, Issue 15683, 23 December 1914

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