Permanent link to this item
ALLEGED WIT., Issue 15683, 23 December 1914
Where you place your child is my/ first; what you make your child is my eecon4* ai|4 a Court ornament is iny •whole.— Where did Noah strike tho fiiat nail of the AJtfct—On the head. Why ia a lady who is presented with tickets for 10 ball* like, a lawyer or a physician F—Because aha is paid for at-WB-dances. What kind of hunting is that in which neither horses nor hounds are used in - tha pursuit of game which, is usually of the feminine gender!— Fortune-hunting. Why is an officer encamped like a person very attentive to the solution of this conundrum he is in-tent. Why are tall people tha laziest?— Because they are always the longest in bed. Why is an industrious tailor never at homef-r-Because he ia always cutting out. My first ia a proposition, my second a composition, my third an acquisition. — For-tuno. My first ia to he seen in the sky, my second conquers kings and quaens, and my whole is what I would, offer to a friend in distress.—Sol-ace. Overheard in the Trenches. —First Tommy : " And what will we do wi' the blighters when we've beaten 'em?" Second Tommy: " Why, give 'em 'Ome Rule, I suppose." The Germans were anxious to make a " corner" in Calais-co, but they leave Jellicoc severely alone. Father (gruffly) : " Get away from the fire, Tommy. The weather isn't cold." Tommy: "Well, I'm not warmin' the weather. I'm warmin' my hands." Tommy (after a long, lingering survey of his uncle, who had lost an arm and j a leg while fighting for his country) ;, " Is that why you are on half-pay, uncle?" I Elderly Matron : " You shouldn't mind | the baby crying a little. It strengthens his lungs." Younger Matron : " On, no doubt; but it weakens his father's religion so." He : " Well, I'm willing to admit that I was wrong." She : "You'll have to do more than that." He : "What more can I do!" She : " Admib that I was right." "Splendid color, isn't it!" asked the fishmonger, cutting open a salmon. "Yes," replied, the purchaser, "looks as if it were blushing at the price you ask for it." Smart Youth t " I make my living by my pen." Rustic: "So do I." Smart Youth: "I wouldn't take you for an author." Rustic : " I'm not. I'm a dealer in pigs." Pantomime Comedian : "I can't go on for a minute, sir, I feel fanny." Manager: "Funny! Great Scot, man! Go on at once and make the most of it while it lasts." The Leading Man : " It's hard for a person to forget the past." The Ingenue : " That's so. I've often noticed that you lide-step involuntarily when a bouquet is suddenly thrown at you." "I remember one picture that brought tears to my eyes." " A pathetic subject, I presume?" "No, sir; it was a fruit painting. I was sitting close under it when it dropped on my head." Kind Lady j " What caused you to adopt this way of living?" Tramp : "It was me savin' disposition. I got into the habit of savin' meself as much work as possible, and I couldn't quit it." Binks (who ordered a pancake halt* an hour previously) : " Er—l—say, will that pancake be long?" Waitress: "No, sir, it'll be round." Then he waited patiently another half an hour. "Now," said the physician, "you will have to eat plain food, and not stay out late at night." "Yes," replied the patient, " that is what I have been thinking ever since you sent in your bill." Chronic Grumbler : " Here, waiter, what ire these chops, lamb or pork ?" Waiter : "Can't you tell by the taste?" Chronic Grumbler : " No." Waiter : " Well, then, what difference does it make ?" Slow Waiter: " Have I ever been in the country, sir? No, sir. Why do you ask ?" Tired Customer : " I was just thinking how thrilling you'd find it to sit on the fence and watch the tortoises whiz by." The Preacher : " I'm going to pray that you'll forgive O'Rourke.tor having thrown that brick at yon." O'Rafferty (propped up in bed): " No, wait until I get well, and then pray for O'Rourke." •'Can a layman write a will that will hold?" "He can, if he sticks to ordinary English," answered the lawyer. " It's when he tries to handle the ' to-wits' and \he 'Whereases' that he falls down." Teacher (to dull boy in mathematics) : 'You should be ashamed of yourself. sVhy, at your age George Washington was 1 surveyor." Pupil: "Yes, sir; at your ige he was President of the United States." The superintendent of a Sunday School waa illustrating for the class the text: "Arise and take the young child and his mother, and flee inw Egypt." Showing the children a large picture, he asked : "Now, isn't that splendid? Here is the mother, here is the young child; and there's Egypt in the distance." The children, however, looked disappointed, and finally one little boy piped out i " Please, teacher, where'a the flea?" "Not big enough! D'yer know 'oo I un? D'ye know foive year ago I waa champion light-weight o' Wapping?" " I've no doubt you're a good man; but, you see, you don't come up to the required measurements, so I'm afraid that's the end of it." "Oh, all right, thenOnly, mind yer, if yer go an p lose this 'ere war—well, don't blame me—that's all."—' Punch.'
ALLEGED WIT., Issue 15683, 23 December 1914
Use these buttons to limit your searches to particular dates, titles, and more.
Print, save, zoom in and more.