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CHRISTMAS CONUNDRUMS, Issue 15683, 23 December 1914
What is the best thing out?—An aching tooth. What is W3?t like a cat's tail?—A kitten's tail'." What tree does the sea always wash?— The beech. When is a newspaper like a* fsw?—When it is iiled< How can you spell hunger in four fetters? —W-a'-n-t. \ Why is a grain of wheat like an acorn P It is a oorn. When are two apples alike?— When they are pared. Which is the best land for young children? —Lapland. Where can happiness always be found P —Tu the dictionary. Which islands are the most social?— The Society Islands. When is a lady not a lady?— When she's a little pale (pail). What is that of which the common sort is the best?— Sense. When is a silver cup most likely to run?— When it is chased. When are eyes nob eyes?— When the wind makes them water. What instrument of war does the earth resemble?—A revolver. How many insects does it take to make a landlord ."—Tenants. Why is an infant like a diamond?— Because it's a" dear little thing. Why is Sunday the strongest day?— All the others ar3 week days. When is a lover like a bell-wire ?—When he's attached to a belle. When does Christmas come after Boxing Day?—ln the dictionary. Why is a "restaurant like a doctor?— Because it profits by consumption. When do butchers rob themselves?— When they steel their own knives. When does a man impose upon himself?— When he taxes his memory. Why is a fretful man like an over-baked loaf?— Because he's crusty. My nrst'6 a prop, my second is a prop, my whole, is a prop?— Foot-stool. In what month do people talk least?February, the shortest month. Why is a flatterer like a microscope?— Because he magnifies small things. Why should a poor man drink coffee? — Because he has no proper-ty (tea). What word ,of five letters spells the same backward and forward?—l/ovel. Why is the letter "c" in icing like a man's nose? —It is between two "i's." What belongs to you, but is used by others more than yourself ?—Your name. What word spalt forward raises you, backwards, lowers you?—Lever—Revel. Which are the three most inquisitive rivers?— The Wye, the Wen, and the Ware. What should a homeless pig do?— Tie a knot in his tail and call it a pig's-tie. Why are the laws like the ocean?— Because most trouble is caused by the breakers. Why are lazy persons' beds too short for them?— Because they lie too long in them. What word is it that contains throe vowels and three syllables in five letters?—lnd-i-a. Why is a beggar mending his clothes like a land lord?— Because he is making up his rents. Why is a bookbinder like charity?— Because he often covers a multitude of faults. Why is there 'never such a thing as a whole day?— Because every day begins by breaking- , When does a man sit down to a melancholy dessert?— When he sits down to wine and to pins. If a man cuts off the end of your nose what is the only thing to do? —Keep the piece (peace). What is the most indigestible supper you can take?— Bolt the door, and tuck in the sheets. What is the greatest instance of cannibaliFin on record?— When a rash man ate a rasher. Why is the attendant of a bathing machine like a caudle manufacturer?— Because be deals in dips. What is (.hat which a young lady looks for, but does not wish to find?—A hole in her stocking. Why is a man on birteback like difficulties overcome?— Because he is Sir mounted (surmounted). What two words contain all the vowels and in their proper order?— Facetious and abstemious. Why should a physician keep his temper? —Because he will lose his patients (patience) if he does not. Why is a coach going down a steep hill like 6t. George?— Because it is always drawn with the drag-on. Why is an unsuccessful dun like your slippers at bedtime? —Because he is put off till the next day. What is the difference between a lover and his rival?— One kisses the miss, and the other misses the kiss. Why does the cook make more noise than the bell? —Because one makes a din, but the other a dinner. Why is a melancholy young lady the pleasantest of all companions?— Because she is always a-musing. Why are blacksmiths the most discontented of mechanics ?—Because they are always on strike for wages. What is it that from which the whole may be taken and yet some will remain?— The word wholesome. v How are young ladies generally bad grammarians? —Because few of them are able to deelino matrimony. What is the difforence between a jeweller and a gaoler?— One sells watches, and the other watches cells. Why is a young lady dependent upon the latter " Y " ?—Because without it she would be a "young lad." What is it that rises and falls, travels about and wears shoes out, but never had any shoes?—A football. Which is the queen of the roses, and why? —The rose of the watering-pot, because it rains over them all. Why should an artist never bo short of money?— Because if he is good at his trade he can draw money. Why are twice eleven like twice ten?— Because twiee eleven are twenty-two, and twice ten are twenty, too. Why may it be said that Dutchmen como into the world ready clothed?— Because they are born in Holland. Enough for one, too much for two, and nothing for three; takes one to make and two to keep?—A secret. Why are washerwomen great travellers?— They are continually crossing the line, and running from pole to pole. Why should buying trousers on credit be a dishonorable transaction ? —Because they are breeches (breaches) of trust. Why is a woman deformed when she is mending her stockings?— Because her hands are wliere her feet should be. What is the differenco between a blind man and a sailor in prison?— One cannot see to po; the other cannot go to sea. What is it that has a face, but no head; hands, but no feet; yet travels everywhere, and i 3 usually running?—A watch. If a king kiss a queen, and a queen kiss p king, what public building in London will they represent?— The Royal Exchange. What is the best way to get a set of teeth inserted gratis?—Go into somebody's yard where they keep a big dog and kick him. What is the difference between a beached vessel and a wrecked aeroplane?— One grounds on the land, and the other lands on the ground. A man was cross!nsr a lonely moor and longed for a smoke. In his pocket he had a case full of cigars, but unfortunately ho liad no matches and no other means of obtaining a light. What did he do?—He opened his cigar-case, took one out, and made the case a cigar lighter.
CHRISTMAS CONUNDRUMS, Issue 15683, 23 December 1914
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