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Some Social Slips., Issue 8031, 7 October 1889
Some Social Slips.
“ I beg your pardon, madam, but you are flitting on my hat,” exclaimed a gentleman. " Oh, pray excuse mo; I thought it was my husband’s,” was the unexpected reply. In another instance of conjugal amenities, a wife said to her husband: “I saw Mrs Becker this morning, and she complained that on the occasion of her last visit you were so rude to her that she thought she must have olfended you.” “ Nothing of the kind,” he answered. “On the contrary, X like her very much ; but it was rather dark at the time, and when I entered the room at first I thought it was you." “ Poor John; he was a kind and forbearing husband,” sobbed John’s widow on her return from the funeral. “ Yes,” said a sympathising neighbor, “ but it ia all for the best. You must try to comfort yourself, my dear, with the thought that your husband ia at peace at last,” A gentleman had accompanied a friend home to dinner, and as they seated themselves at the table, the hostess remarked : “ I trust that you will make allowances, Mr Blankley. My servant left mo very unexpectedly, and I was to cook the dinner myself." “ Oh, certainly, my dear madam, certainly,” responded the guest with great emphasis: “I can put up with anything.”
Another amusing blip took the form of an unhappy after-dinner speech. There was an entertainment given by an earl deservedly popular. It was extremely handsome, and champagne (lowed freely. The evening wan well advanced when a benignant old gentleman rose to propose a toast. He spoke with fluency, but somehow he said exactly the opposite to what he meant. “ I feel,” said he, “ that for a plain country squire like myself to address this learned company is, indeed, to cast pearls before swine.” Never was so successful a speech made. He could get no further for many minutes. The company applauded vociferously, and as though they would never cease. “ Now, Miss Brown,” said an earnest listener, “ won’t you play something for us?” “No, thank you,” said the lady; “I’d rather hear Mr Jones.” Earnest Listener: “So would I, but .” Here ho was stopped by the expression on the young lady’s face, and he looked confused for half an hour after she had indignantly turned and left him.
A person who was recently called into Court for the purpose of proving the correctness of a surgeon’s bill, was asked whether the doctor did not make several visits after the patient was out of danger. “ No,” replied the witness, “I considered the patient in danger as long as the doctor continued his visits.”
A physician walking with a friend, said to him : “ Let us avoid that pretty little woman you see there on the left. She knows me, and casts on me looks of indignation. I attended her husband.” “Ah! I understand, You iiad the misfortune to despatch him,” was the remark that slipped out. “On the contrary,” replied the doctor, “ I saved him.”—A guest at a country inn exclaimed : “ I say, landlord, your food is worse than it was last year.” “ Impossible, sir was the rather ambiguous reply of the landlord.—“ Why,” said a counsel to a witness, “are you so very precise in your statement ? Are you afraid of telling an untruth?’ Witness (promptly): “No, sir.”—At a recent inquiry into the sanity of a young man of large property, witnesses were being called to prove that be was unlit to manage his affairs. A curious slip was made by a schoolmaster when asked if be had formed any opinion as to the state of mind of the alleged lunatic. “ Oh, yes,” he replied; “ I can certify ho is an idiot. He was one of my favorite pupils.”—“ I have met this man,” said a lawyer with extreme severity, “in a great many places where I would be ashamed to be seen myself,” and then he-paused and looked with astonishment at the smiling Court and jury. Here are a few other instances of something very like putting one’s foot in it. The Legislature of a \\ eatern State having a Bill under consideration for the regulation of tax collectors, un hon. member got upon bis feet and said : “Mr Speaker, I go in heavy for that Bill, The tax collectors are all a set of knaves. I was one myself for ten years.” The Bill passed.—“ How are you getting on in your new place ?’’ asked a lady of a girl whom she had recommended for a situation. “ Very well, thanks.” “I am glad to hear it,” said the lady ; “ your employer is a nice person, and yon cannot do too much for her.” “ I don’t mean to, ma’am,” was the innocent reply. Here is a naive declaration from the prospectus of a weekly paper:—“ The staff, with the exception of the editor, has been very carefully selected, and deserves to secure success,”—A Californian newspaper is said to have been sued for libel by a widow for speaking of her deceased husband us having “gone to a happier home.”— “Dear sir,” said an amateur farmer just from the country, writing to the secretary of an agricultural society, “ put me down on your list of cattle for a calf.”—A certain caravan orator at a fair, after a long yarn descriptive of what was to be seen inside, wound up by saying ; “ .Step in, gentlemen ; stop in. Take my word for it, you will be highly delighted when you come out.”— “ Allow me, madam, to congratulate you on your acquaintance with a charming lady,” said a gallant Hungarian; “she is young, beautiful, and intelligent.” “ Oh, certainly,” replied the lady. “But don’t you think she is a trifle conceited?” “ Why, madam, just put yourself in her place, and say would you not be conceited too ? ” was the startling comment. This social slip is even worse, A c’ty man complained bitterly of the conduct of his son. He related at length to an old friend all the young man’s escapades. “You should speak to him with linnness ami reca'l him to his duty,” said the friend. “But he pays not the least attention to what I say ; he listens only to the advice of fools. I wish you would talk to him.”— ‘Chambers’s Journal.’
Some Social Slips., Issue 8031, 7 October 1889
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