Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXX, Issue 144, 14 December 1940, Page 19

Wit and Humour

Hie talk in the Chancellery had turned to cold nights. "£)o you suffer from cold feet, Addie?" asked Hermann. "Ach, yes," said Adolf, "Mussolini's!" A group of small urchins playing at "soldiers" in the street were manhandling a smaller boy who wanted to go home. "If 'c don't want to play, let 'im go," shouted the lad's mother. "Gam!" yelled the leader; "it's conscription nowl" ; An Italian newspaper refers to "the German nation from Hitler downward." We prefer to think of the German nation from Hitler upward. But not very far up. The weary Tommy sat down at the table and called, for the waitress. "I want a poached egg and a kind word," he said to the girl. She brought the food and placed it before him. "Where's the kind word?" he asked. "Don't eat the egg," she whispered"How much are the mouse-traps?" "Sixpence each, lady." "No, thanks; I can keep the mouse cheaper than that/ True story of Home Guard action on the Railway Front. Dim shape appears, separated from Home Guard by four sets of metals and five live rails. "Halt, or I fire." "Friend." "Advance friend, and be recognised." Long pause. Challenge repeated; Advance, friend, and be recognised. Weary voice out of the darkness: What? Across these ruddy live rails? Employer: For this job you've got to know all about office management. The salary is four pounds a week. Applicant: Say, I ain't got no education. I'm after a job in the factory. Employer: Then see the factory foreman. We'll start you at eight pounds a week. A party of soldiers went to the village pub for a drink, Ther.e, leaning against the counter, was a "meek-look-ing little man with a row of empty glasses in front of him. "Landlord," said the man, with the solemn air of the "half-seas-over," "remove the British Army!" The soldiers leapt to their feet and angrily demanded an apology for his insult to the Forces. "No offence, ole ■ man," replied the little man. "No offence. I called those glasses the British Army because they've done, their duty and are ready to do it again." At church parade the padre had spoken about the wages of sin and had freely quoted the Ten Commandments. Coming out of the churchyard the black sheep of the regiment thought deeply for a few minutes, then turned to his pal. "Ah, well," he said. "I've never made a graven image anyway." * The French are still freer-to do as Hitler says, "You know, Bill is a cute chap," said ;he first man. "When he sold that ousiness of his he told the buyer that his reason for selling was that he'd lost all his interest in it." "Well, that was true, wasn't it?" asked the second. "Yes, but he forgot to mention that he'd lost all his capital in it as well." "What is your idea of an educated person?" "One who. can guess near enough at the spelling of a word to find it in the dictionary." "What engines shall we use in this boat?" "Oh, Diesel do." A young.candidate for the Navy was being examined by a Board of Admirals. One of the questions fired at him was: ''What kind of animals eat grass?" No reply."Surely you can answer a simple question like that," snapped one of the admirals. "Now then, what kind of animals eat grass?" "Oh, animals," said the candidate, in obvious relief. "I thought you said 'admirals.'" In many people there exists a desire to establish contact with officials in uniform. So you can understand what prompted a small man on a great liner to approach one of the officers he encountered on deck. He walked up to the officer importantly and, with subdued excitement, showed him a bright screw he had picked up. "I've just found this," he said. "I thought you might know where it belongs." An inventor tried to sell Mussolini a new camouflage system to make warships difficult to see. The Duce refused, saying the glorious Italian navy, had proved its ability to keep completely invisible to any enemy. A water-cover blew off its seating in a Birmingham street and an upward shower of water gave the passers-by a spectacular sight. "Oh! is it an air raid?" a startled old lady inquired. "No, mum," replied a tough old fellow. "It must be a submarine attack." Brown assured his wife that he was quite competent to mend the broken window. He took the measurements and went to buy the glass. "It's quite a simple job," said the shopkeeper. "Just pull out the old glass, fit in the new, fill in the putty, and the job's finished." An hour later Brown presented himself once more at the shop. The proprietor greeted him with an air of bright efficiency. "Hello!" he said. "Same size again, I suppose?" Jock had just had a visit from an insurance agent and was talking it over with a friend. "Queer chaps these insurance men," mused Jock. "In what way?" asked his friend. "Weel, they have to make ye believe ye may dee next week so that ye will take oot a policy wi' them. Then they have to make themselves believe ye will live for years before they will let ye take oot a policy."

"Fact is," said the one man, "I married because I was lonely, as much as for any other reason. To put it tersely, I married for sympathy." "Well." said the other man, "you have mine." I suppose it is really harder for a fat man to be as brave as a thin one. He usually has two chins to keep up. Pity the poor moth. It spends the winter in a bathing suit and the summer in a fur coat. "I read somewhere of a professor who thinks radio may be used to drive away germs." "But how are they going to be sure that the germs are listening?" ' "Now is the time to get your life insured, young man. The longer you delay the higher the premiums will be." "1 know that, but the longer I wait the fewer premiums I will have to pay." He: Most girls, I have found, don't appreciate real music. . Second He; Why do you say that? He: Well, you may pick beautiful strains on a mandolin" for an hour, and she won't even look out of the window, but just one honk of a horn and—out she comes! Mischievous village children greatly annoyed old Mr. Thomas. Wherever he went they shouted after him. One day he decided to stroll down a quiet country lane to avoid them, but as soon as he turned the corner he saw three of them sitting on a gate. "Mr. Thomas, the devil died at nu'dnight," they called out. As he didn't take any notice they repeated it. At last the old man lost patience with them and gave each child a penny. "What's this for, Mr. Thomas?" they asked. "For the three little orphans," he replied. A conceited gangster had been clapped into gaol for a term of twenty years. The gangster would spend his time standing behind the bars of his cell and gazing into the corridor. It was noticed that whenever a guard or visitor passed by, the inmate would never look the party in the eye. He would invariably turn his head to one side. "What's the idea of turnin' your head when anybody passes?" sneered the guard. "Are you finally ashamed Of all the crimes you've done?" The conceited gangster kept his face turned. "Not at all," he murmured. "It's just that I look so much better in profile!" In one of the large London stores a woman was seen holding up a Peke dog for a drink at one of the fountains. A department manager was informed 6i this and hurried to the scene. : "Madam," he said, "I must really protest! This fountain is for the use of customers." The shopper replied airily, "Oh, really! I thought it was just for the employees!" His best friend was on trial for murder and Jones got hold of the foreman of the jury. "If you get him off with manslaughter," he told him, "I'll spring you 500 dollars." The jury, after a deliberation which lasted five hours, returned a manslaughter verdict, and the Judge passed sentence of three years. The foreman turned up, all smiles, for his 500 dollars. "I earned it all right," he said. "I was five hours getting them to make it manslaughter. They wanted to acquit him." The cavalry recruit was instructed to bridle and saddle a horse. Ten minutes later the sergeant-major came along for his mount and found the recruit holding the bit close to the horse's head. "What are you waiting for?" he roared. "Until he yawns," answered the recruit. R.A.F. Pilot: Cold? n Girl Friend: Yes. ' R.A.F. Pilot: Want my coat? Girl Friend: Yes, but don't take it off. WILLING TO HELP. The mistress of the hjtise was explaining the household duties to the new maid. "This," she said in awed tones, "is a very valuable Persian rug." She paused, and added: "I want you to be very careful when you clean it, as it is very old and has been in the family for many generations." The new, maid nodded understandingly. "I can quite see it's old, ma'am," she replied, "but I dare say we can make it last through the winter if we're careful." A NEW SLANT. Little Peter, aged three, regarded pepper as a biting enemy that he never wanted to meet again. One eyening at dinner he was seryed with a vegetable that was sprinkled with pepper. Eyeing it suspiciously, he said, "I don't want that, father, it has pepper on it." His father examined it carefully and asked: "Oh, is that pepper?" Peter drew the plate closer to him and carefully examined the contents and then laughingly remarked: "My mistake, it's not pepper, it's only a little dirt." He then proceeded to eat it with relish. PULLING HIS WEIGHT. In the railway carriage the plump sailor was telling the talkative lady all about life in the Navy. "What sort of ship are you on?" she i asked. i "Submarine, mum," he replied. "And what do you do?" : "Well, mum, I runs for'ard and tips her up when we wants to dive." ONLY FATHER. He: Say, who is that funny-looking fellow who drives your car and works around in the garden? He always frowns at me whenever he sees me here. She: Oh, don't mind him. That's only father.