Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXVI, Issue 74, 24 September 1938, Page 29

Wit and Humour

First Boy: We're picking sides, England against Africa.

Second Boy: Are the Africans blacking their faces? First Boy: No, the English are washjing theirs. . ' j .. „<<„,„.< ... j "I've got a new idea. Fortune in it." "What now?" "It's an alarm clock that emits the delicious odours -of frying bacon and fragrant coffee." A hungry Irishman entered the restaurant on Friday and said to the waiter: "Have yez any whale?" "No." . "Have yez any shark?*' . "No." • . ■',■■■ .. .■■■■■ "Have yez any swbrdfish?" "No." "Have yez any jellyfish?" "No." "All right," said the Irishman, "then bring me hanY and eggs and beefsteak smothered wid onions. Anyway, I j asked for fish." Mistress: You're leaving tomorrow? 11 thought you were supposed to give me a week's notice. Cook: I know, ma'am, but I forgot to tell you last week. Mistress: The best coal has all gone. I told you not to use the big coal on the kitchen fire. Maid: I didn't, mum. I broke it up!

"Do you enjoy novel reading, Miss Prim?" "Oh, yes, very much. One can associate with people in fiction.that one wouldn't dare to speak to in real Jife." TOO MUCH TO EXPECT. Having fallen on bad times, a miner had to take a job as an assistant waiter in a small restaurant in Glasgow. A snobbish young man came in one day and ordered a steak. Later he called the waiter and complained about it. "It's not nearly tender enough/ he said. : ~ "What do ye expect it to do?" askew the. miner-waiter. "Jump up and kiss you?" ' • . . A DOG'S LIFE, He was a pork butcher, and he and his sausages, had done very well indeed in the town—until a rival came along and by undercutting and pushful publicity started to take Ml the trade in the place. Butcher No. 1 was sitting in his shop musing on what the inside of a workhouse would look like, when a bright idea suddenly struck him. Changing his clothes as quickly as he could, he hurried to his competitor's shop and, elbowing his way through the crowd of customers, planted a dead dog on the counter. " 'Ere y'are, Jack!' he exclaimed in a loud voice. "That makes the dozen!" A WINNER. "Old Loghead hasn't much sense, but he's certainly lucky." "Why, what about him?" "You know that a year ago he married a rich, childless widow?" "Yes." "Well, now he's a rich widower." NOT SO BAD. Young Wife: Darling, what did you think of the dumplings? I made them all by myself. Husband: Dearest, they tasted just like the dumplings my mother made and which made father say that they were not like the dumplings his mother used to make. COOL. A saucy damsel . was speeding through traffic. She soon found herself stopped by an officer of the law. "Look here," growled the cop. "where's the fire?" ; "What are you worrying about?" she countered. "You're not a fireman!" RETALIATION. Two Irishmen were told to clean out a well. Mike was being lowered by Pat when suddenly he cried out, "Pat, pull me up." "You're all right, Mike," said Pat, reassuringly. "Pull me up." "Go on, you're all right." "Pull me up," yelled the exasperated Mike, "or I'll cut the rope." CUTTING IT SHORT. ' The new Irish butler was announcing the guests. Mr. Jones, Mrs. Jones, Miss Jones," he said. "Shorten your announcements, Patrick," whispered his employer. "Mr. Jones and family would have been sufficient." The next arrivals were "Mr. Penny and family." "Fourpence," announced Patrick. SKILLED. Daughter: Mother! Dr. Weaver proposed to me today. Mother: Really? Has he a good practice? ' ' Daughter: He must hay did it awfully well. NOT SO GOOD. Daughter: Yes, mother, it is settled that I am to go to Egypt with Arthur —the land of scarabs and hieroglyphics. • ■-■■•' Mother: Oh, dear! Well, don't bring any of the horrid beasts home. EASY TO DO. Quiggle: Don't you find it hard to meet expenses these days? Peewitt: Hard! I should say not.] Why, man alive, I meet expenses at' every 'turn. . J

i Gladys: Are you asking Gwen to your party? Joan: No. My husband doesn't like her. . Gladys: I see. And what about Mollie? . j Joan: No, dear. My husband likes her. ] Biddy: Patrick (who is talking with a gentleman outside), come to your coup o' tay an' four eggs. Patrick: Ah, Biddy, where is the eggs? ~ Faith, Oi didn't want to let the gmtleman know we lived on praties all the toime. Mrs. B.'. Pve come to tell you, ma'am, the photographs you took of us the other day are not at all satisfactory. My husband looks like an ape! Lady Photographer: Well, madam, you should have thought of that before you had him photographed. ' • 'V A JUMP AHEAD. "So you've left your job, Pat." "Yes." "Was the boss surprised when he knew you were leaving?" "No. he knew before I did." Friend: Did you get any replies to your advertisement that a lonely maiden sought light and warmth in her life? Spinster: Yes, two from the electric light company and one from the gas company.

VARIED VIEWS. Two friends met in the street. One of them had had his arm broken in a motor accident and was carrying it in a sling. . "Say," asked the first, "it's too bad about your arm! How long will yotf have to carry it in a sling?' The injured man shrugged. , "There's a slight difference of opinion about that," he replied. "My doitdr says two weeks—and my lawyer says twelve!" BUSINESS BRIDEGROOM. She: No, Mr. Lely, I can never love you. I honour and respect you. I am sure you would make some other woman a good husband. I " : He: Well —cr —could you-7-er —give me a letter of recommendation?" MISUNDERSTOOD. Suitor: Sir, I should like to marry your daughter. Father: Oh, you would! Do you drink? Suitor: Thanks! But shall we settle the other matter first? UP TO THE MINUTE. The son of a wealthy man had been placed in a merchant's office in order to acquire business habits and methods. Gradually he became unpunctual in commencing work, until at length he did not arrive till about two in the afternoon. This ' had gone on for a week, when the merchant remonstrated. "But, my dear sir," the young man reasoned, "how can I come earlier? I don't get my breakfast until one." "Well, get your breakfast earlier." "How can I? I don't get up till 12." "Then get up earlier." "How can I," pleaded the delinquent, "when I don't go to bed until daylight?" THOSE BITTER-SWEETS. "Why don't you call me donkey, and have done with it? You've hinted at It long enough," he snarled out. "It wouldn't be quite true," she replied. _ , ■"••■ "I suppose not. I suppose I haven't ears enough for that animal," he re-, torted sarcastically. • v "Oh, yes, you have," she retorted sweetly. "You don't need any more ears." , "What do I need, then?' , , "More legs." The Irish landlady was displeased with the habits of her lodgers, .and told them, "You there are a pair if there was one. You didn't come home I of a night till early morning. If you j want to stop here and do that you had better pack up and go." AS DIRECTED. Newly-married Bride (sobbing): And, mamma, he threw his slippers across the room at me—and they were my wedding present to him; and he told me to clear out and go to the devil! Mother: You did quite right, my dear, by coming back home to mother. NOTHING DOING. McPherson was travelling to Glasgow. On the way he felt thirsty, so he took out a bottle and drew the cork. As he was about to drink, a fellowpassenger in clerical garb addressed him. _ "Excuse me, sir, but I am 65 years of age and I have never tasted a drop of whisky/ . ■ "Dinna worry yersel'," said McPherson. "You're no gaun tae start noo." HE KNEW. "Look here, nigghar, you'se cheating on me." ...,,. "Black man, I ain't cheating on yo'." "Yes, you is. Ah neveh dealt you dat ace." Tod: I've called to say how much I appreciate your treatment, doctor. Doctor: But I'm not your physician. Tod: No, but you were my old uncle's and I am his heir. Printed and published for BLUNDEMi BROS., LTD., by WALTER JOHN BLIWDELL, Wesley Road, Wellington, ERNEST ALBERT BLUNDELL, Cecil Road, Wadestown, and LEONARD COKER BLUNDELL, Grove Road, Kelburn, at the Registered Office of the Company. Saturdaj', September 24, 1933.