Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXV, Issue 84, 9 April 1938, Page 26

Wit and Humour

While crossing a common an old woman noticed one of those men who go around jabbing a pointed stick into scraps of paper to gather them up. Stopping, she said kindly, "Don t you find that work very tiring?" "Not very, mum," replied the man. "You see, I was born to it—my father used to harpoon whales." Young Herb's parents were hard up and he had never had a holiday. One day the vicar asked the boy's parents if Herb could go with him to the country for a few days. "Herb, the parson wants ter take yer to the country. Isn't that grand!" said his mother. "No, I won't go.* But why/9" '"It's bad enough here at school with the cane, but in the country they have thrashin' machines, said the youngster. "What on earth did you shave with this morning?" "My wife's pencil sharpener." A flapper attired in the latest thing in hiking outfits approached one of a gang of men working in a trench. "Am I all right for Cliorleywood?" she asked sweetly. Whsreupon the man, turning towards his mates, shouted: "Hey, Chorley!" An efficiency expert declares that a good system does away with petty pinpricks. But even then there sno guarantee that the horses will win.

"Then your wife isn't one of the sympathetic sort?" asked the first man. ' "Sympathetic!" cried the second bitterly. "Why, I don't believe she was born at all—she was quarriedl" He was a new resident in the block of flats, and at one in the morning, just as he was passing her door, a woman rushed out, attacked him, scratched him, tore his hair, and left him halfdead. Suddenly the woman exclaimed. "Oh, dear, I'm dreadfully sorry!—l've made a mistaka I thought you were my husband." "So you ought to be," moaned the victim. "Now I'll have to go through all that again when I reach my own flat." Thr old country gardener, was making his weekly call. "Pertaters is good this morning, ma'am," he said. "Oh, are they?" retorted the customer. "That reminds me. Will you tell me how it is that those you sold me last week were so much smaller at the bottom of the basket than at the top?" "Well," replied the old man, "pertaters is growin' so fast just now that, by the time I get a basket dug, the last ones is about twice the size of the first." A pretty French girl staying in England, but with a limited knowledge of the language, was anxious to purchase a bath sponge. She asked her hostess how she should phrase her requirements at the chemist's shop. "Ask for a big bath sponge,to take home with you," her hostess said. The French girl went off to the chemist's store, and when she got there she staggered a very young assistant by saying, with a very charming smile: "Eef you please, will you kindly take me 'ome and geeve me a good big sponge-bath!" Lady: So you are on a submarine? Tell me, what do you do? Sailor: Oh, I run forward and hold her nose when we're going to dive. The electrician was puzzled. "Hey," he called to his assistant, "put your hand on one of those wires." The assistant did as he was told. "Feel anything?" "No." "Good," said the electrician. "I wasn't sure which was which. Don't touch the other or you'll drop dead." Various articles had been disappearing from the factory, and the foreman was instructed to stop all the men at the gate and search them. Some days later the manager was crossing the yard when he saw that the foreman had lined up all the workmen. "Take off your coats, ye spalpeens!" he was shouting. "What's missing now?" asked the manager. "A wheelbarrow," was the reply.

Mistress (to maid who has been to a local concert): Well, Ivy, did you enjoy the performance? Maid: Oh, it was lovely, mum, and I had a splendid seat near the Mayor and Mayonnaise. He was the club bore, and heartily detested. Rushing into the secretary's room and fuming with rage, he shouted: "I have just been offered £20 to resign the club. What shall I do?" The secretary was quite calm and replied: "Hold on a bit. You'll get a better offer." Hones: What is the ctire for seasickness? Jones: Give it up. "I dreamed of you last night." "Indeed!" said she coldly. "Yes; then I woke and got up and put the eiderdown on." "That's a queer pair of stockings you have on, Pat—one red and the other green." "Yes; and I've got another pair like it at home." A lady had much trouble with a servant who was constantly breaking china; so she said one day: "Do you know, Mary, you have broken more china in a month than your wages amount to. How can you prevent this?" "I don't know, mum," said the girl, "unless you raise my wages."

The new vicar was calling on his parishioners, and in one house Tat found a woman sitting by the fire listening to the radio. . After chatting for a few moments he said, pointing to the set, "Don't yoi think it would look much better and more like a home, if in the place o: that radio set you had a baby in { cot?" "Well, if you say so, I suppose it's al right," she said; "but the only thing ii I'm not married." "Why," asked the Magistrate, "didn'1 you go to the assistance of the plain tiff in the fight?" "Well, you see," replied the witness "I didn't know which was going to be the plaintiff." The first deaf motorist was drawi up by the side of the road when th< second deaf driver passed him anc stopped. The second called out to thf first, "Have you run out of petrol?" "No," shouted the other, "I've run oul of petrol." "Oh," yelled the second, as he drove on again, "I thpught you might have run out of petrol!" Mr. Brown: What will you give me for my daughter's piano? --, His Neighbour: £100, sawed, split and delivered. "Dad," asked the young hopeful, "is it true that actions speak louder thar words?" "They do," replied his father, "bul your mother is still old-fashioned enough to prefer words." Teacher: What does it mean when it says, "The sins of the fathers are visited on the children"? ' Pupil: Dad does my homework and I get the licking. Master: Mary, your young man has called. Maid: But, sir, how do you know it is my sweetheart? Master: I can smell one of my cigars. Waiter to Yorkshire traveller in restaurant car): Would you like a couple of poached eggs on toast? Traveller: Aye, that'll be all reet if tha' has noa plaates. For an hour the commanding officer had been lecturing the squad of new recruits about the glories of being a soldier. Having emphasised their duties as soldiers of King and country, the officer called to one of the recruits and questioned him. "Now, Private McGlinty," he said, "I want to see whether you have been listening. Tell me, why should a man lay down his life for his King and country?" McGlinty scratched his head for a moment. Then his face lit up. "Begorrah, captain," he cried, "you re right—why should he?" ■

EAT TOGETHER OR NEVER. A Scotsman who was playing golf paused to pull his handkerchief out of his pocket and a set of false teeth fell to the ground. "These are yours, sir," said the caddie, picking them up. "They're no mine," said the Scotsman. "They're Maggie's. I tak' them wi' me so Maggie canna eat between meals." COLOUR MYSTERY. Pat and Mick were making a train journey. "See those lovely red currants by the line," remarked Pat. "Red currants!" said Mick. "Sure but these aren't red currants, they're black currants." "Sure but ye're coloured blind," replied Pat. "Sure an' begorrah I'm not," answered Mick. "Don't ye know that black .currants are red when they're green?" "ALL-IN" MATRIMONY. The coster found himself in the dock of the local police court on a charge of beating his wife and biting off a piece of her ear. "Your husband has been treating you very badly, hasn't he?" asked the Magistrate, kindly., "Oh, no, yer Worship!" came the wife's reply. "But didn't he bite a piece out of your ear?" persisted the man on the Bench. "Certainly not, yer Worship. I did it mesel'." WAKING UP. "I was playing in the cup final at Wembley. Score, one each, and one minute from time. I was running through the defence, everyone shouting, 'Shoot! Shoot !'" "Did you score?" "Score! It took me 10 minutes to get my foot out of the bed-rail." QUANDARY. The deep-sea diver was hard at work on the ocean bottom. Suddenly an urgent voice came over his telephone, which connected him with the boat above. "Come up, quickly," the voice said. "The captain tells me the boat is sinking." , CAUSE ENOUGH! "Have you ever seen a company of women silent?" "Yes; once somebody asked who was the oldest." ONE ADVANTAGE. The Englishman sternly reprimanded a fellow-countryman who had become , a naturalised United States citizen; "What have you gained by becoming naturalised?" asked the Englishman. "Well," replied the other, "I win the American Revolution!" EVERY FIVE MINUTES. Jones and his wife had just arrived at the docks at Southampton. "Excuse me, my good man," said Jones to a dock hand, "when does the next boat leave for Australia?" "Why, in half an hour's time, sir," replied the dock hand. "Oh dear, oh dear. Isn't there one before that?" THE SECRET OF THE 49-ERS. "What inspired the old-time pioneers to set forth in their covered wagons?" "Well, maybe they didn't want to wait about thirty years for a train." A VISIBLE CHANGE. The Irish policeman on point-duty signalled Jones to come on; but just as Jones accelerated another car shot out from a side street and the two collided. The constable came over to Jones. "What's all this?" he demanded. "I'm sorry," Jones replied, "but I could have sworn you signalled me to' come on." "Arrah, don't talk nonsense, man! ;he shouted. "Did ye not see me : changin' me mind?" BUSINESS BOOMING. Woman: My poor fellow, I expect ! you're not wholly to blame. You are [ here, no doubt, to a great extent - through poverty. 1 Gaol-bird: Poverty! I like that. Why, I was simply coining money! ' BURNING SANDS. At the beach: — He: Oh, Emily, I'd do anything for s you, give you anything your heart ■ could desire! She: Well, for the present I'd like an . orange drink, please, i He: A' threepenny or a sixpenny one! HATS! t Husband: Three guineas for a hat! ; You ought to be ashamed of yourself. I Wife: J am, dear. But, you see. I j thought you couldn't afford a better one. THE MISTAKE. 1 'A man saw a coat outside a pawn- ■ broker's, priced £10, and thought he might dicker for it. He took it inside and said to the pawnbroker: "How ' much is this worth?" "Not more than £2," the pawn- , broker replied. "I'll take it," said the man. "Take it," gasped the pawnbroker. "I thought you had come here to sell ! it." ; i A SAD PARTING. ; Sunday School Teacher: Now, children, I want you to say a text as you put your pennies in the missionary box, a text that you think m6st suitable. Now, Mary, we'll start with y Mary dropped her penny in the box, saying: "It is more blessed to give than receive." "Very good—next, please. "Freely give, freely receive, was the "Now we'll hav^e Donald," said the Donald came slowly .to the table, looked at his penny, sighed, shut his eyes, and said earnestly: "The fule and his money is sune parted." WHY RECEIVER WAS DOWN. On a party telephone line some subscriber formed the habit of taking down the receiver for hours at a time without doing any talking, thereby weakening the line and giving other subscribers the idea someone was listening in continuously. All complianants told of hearing a clock ticking near the "open phone." With this as a clue, the manager made an investigation and discovered an elderly lady had found the telephone receiver made a good "darning ball" while repairing the family's winter stockings. This story is on a par with that of the farm housewife who discovered a telephone receiver makes a good potato masher. POSTPONED. Their boat was drifting idly on the calm waters, the sun shone overhead; it was a perfect day. After a great deal of silent thought, he proposed. From the opposite end of the boat shei looked at him. "As a matter of common sense, she said, calmly, "realising that we are in this boat in the middle of the ocean, on water more than fifty feet deep, and knowing that if you acted as you will act if I accept you we should be capsized, and remembering that neither of us can swim, I must decline your proposal. But, George," she added urgently, "row as fast as you can to the shore and ask me again." RISKY BUSINESS. A pedestrian crossed a traffic-filled street while looking an at an aeroplane overhead. Three buses shaved him so closely that his beard didn't appear again fo: a week, the wind from six passing cars raised the nap on his last year's suit, one five-passenger car removed the shine from the back of his left shoe, and the drivers of seven other assorted makes, while stripping their gears in an effort to avoid him, also stripped their vocabularies of every known highpowered adjective. After stumbling over the kerbstone on the farther side of the road, the pedestrian was heard to murmur: "My gracious, those airmen lead dangerous lives."