Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXIX, Issue 134, 8 June 1935, Page 24

Wit and Humour

"All this is my wife's idea," ■ said Newly-Wed as he showed his friend over his luxurious home. "Magnificent, but surely you had a voice in the matter?" said his friend. "Yes; Ive —cr —had the invoice."

"What does it mean when the driver in front puts a hand out?" the learner asked the person instructing her. "If the driver is a woman," was the bitter answer, "she is going to turn to the right or the left or stop or do something."

The old gentleman remarked to the person near him at the dining table, "And do you believe in the survival of the fittest, my friend?" "No, I don't believe in the survival of nobody, I don't. I want 'em all to die—I'm an undertaker, I am."

Visitor: Why the two garages, old man? Are you buying another car? Motorist: Oh, no; my wife has so many odds-and-ends in the first one noiv that I can't get the car in.

Inquirer: How did your girl take her broken engagement? Worried One: Straight to the solicitor.

Mother: What are you doing in the pantry, Tom? Tom: I'm just putting a few things away.

"Here's a pair of guaranteed spectacles. I'll let you have them for the give-away price of two pounds," said the optician. "Just try them on and you'll agree that they will double your sight." Cohen put on the spectacles and handed the optician a pound. "Hey! I said two pounds, not one." "It looks like two to me!" said Cohen. "My sight is doubled now!"

"Around the bandit's body was tied £6000 in notes."—Cable item. A waist of money.

"Now, Professor, what do you think of my daughter's voice?" the' proud father asked his guest, a prominent critic.

"Mr. Blank, I've never heard anything like it before," was the ambiguous reply.

"What is an optimist, father?" "A man who buys grass seed and a lawn mower at the same time."

"Anyway, Mary can't complain. When she married old Moneybags she took him for better or worse."

"The truth, though, is that she married him hoping for the worst—but he got better."

Hardupp: Can you lend me a fiver for three months?

Muchcash: Aren't you going to give me any interest? Hardupp: Oh yes; you'll get plenty of interest wondering whether you're going to get it back or not.

He: What's your name? She: M-M-M-M-Mabel. He: I'll call you Mabel for short.

"My wife always gets historical when I stay out late at night." "Hysterical, you mean." "No; historical. . She digs up all my past."

Teacher: Jones, how far were you from the answer to the second question?

Jones: About five seats, sir.

"By the way, Jane, are you fond of moving pictures?" "Oh, yes, Mrs. McMean," Jane replied. "Well, I have visitors coming for the holidays, so I'd like you to take all the pictures down and put them in the kitchen, where we can clean them."

Violinist: Did you notice the old man crying whilst I was playing? Friend: Yes. He said your playing reminded- him of the old days when he was happy. Violinist: Was he also a violinist? Friend: No; he used to keep pigs.

Teacher: So you are the boy who wrote on the blackboard 'Teacher is a fool"? Boy: Yes, sir. Teacher: well, at least I am glad you told the truth.

"Can you spare me a moment? I am not," said the man on the doorstep, "an insurance canvasser. I do not want to sell you soap, toilet preparations, undies, books, or anything of that sort." The door had been closing, but paused in the movement The householder was reassured. "J do not represent a sewing-ma-chine firm, nor any who sell wireless sets, gramophones, electric cleaners, or motor-cars." The door opened a bit wider. "I'm not a collector, either of rates, information, or accounts—l find it hard enough to collect a living myself.". The reassurances had their effect; no longer was there the slightest sign of the door closing. "I'm not a canvasser for any political party, and I don't want details for a directory." The householder stared at him. "For heaven's sake, what are you, then?" she asked.

"Ah," he said, "I see I have you in--terested! I represent a firm which deals in photographic enlargement's."

Constable: Do you see that "No Fishing" notice there? Angler: Yes; and I quite agree with it.

"Now, children," said the teacher who had been giving a lesson on motor-cars, "which of you can tell roe the most dangerous thing about motorcars?" "I can, miss," said one of the class. "It's the driver."

The shopper had reason to complain. "This is a small loaf for fourpencehalfpenny," she said. "Well, you'll not have so much to carry," replied the shopkeeper, smilingly trying to pass it off. "Here's threepence," replied the shopper. "You'll not have so much to count."

Judge: How could you swindle people who trusted in you? Prisoner: But, Judge, people who don't trust you cannot be swindled.

Father: What did you think of your first day at school? Tommy: I like the fellows; but I'm not keen on the old guy at the cash desk.

"What makes Geoffrey look so old?" "The expense of making his wife look so young."

Magistrate: Suppose the accused tells us exactly what happened in his own words?

Accused: I can't very well do that, your Worship, seeing as how I've pleaded not guilty.

"Smith tells me that the last thing he wrote was accepted. Do you know what it was?" "Yes," it was his resignation from the staff."

Landlady: I'll give you just three days in which to pay your board.

Lodger: All right. I'll pick the Fourth of July, Christmas Day, and Good Friday.

Mrs. Newbride (entertaining relatives for the first time): I get wonderful recipes over the radio. I got one for Egyptian stew and one for a neverfail spot-remover this morning. Willie (tasting the dish): Which is this?

Father: What do you mean by playing truant? What makes you stay away from school? Son: Class hatred, Dad.

Bride: There's a lot of mistakes in this cookery book. Husband: Yes; I've tasted them.

The young man hesitatingly entered her father's presence. With a preliminary clearing of the throat ana a nervous twitch of hia fingers, he said: "I have come to ask if I may marry your daughter Gertrude?" "You may," said the father promptly, as he passed the cigars. "And now may I take you into my confidence?" "Why—er," exclaimed the young man.

"Well, my boy," said the future father-in-law, "I just want to say that as you pass among your friends I wish you'd get. some of them excited about Marjorie, Joan, Dorothy, and Cynthia. And put a couple of cigars in your pocket."

A little man and his wife visited the zoo. When they halted before the hippopotamus, he remarked, admiringly, "Darned curious fish, ain't it, Ma?" "That ain't a fish; that's a reptile." So the argument began. It progressed to a point of such violence that the old lady began belabouring the husband with her umbrella. The old man dodged and ran, with his wife in pursuit.

A keeper had just opened the door of the lions' cage, and the little man popped in. He crowded in behind the largest lion, and peered over its shoulder at his wife, who, on the other side of the bars shook her umbrella furiously.

"Coward," she shouted, "Coward."

Betty: Please, teacher. Mummy wants you to come to tea tonight. Teacher: Are you quite sure, dear? Betty: Yes, miss. I heard Daddy say, "Ask her and get it over!"

Barber (whispering to new assistant): Here comes a man for a shave.

New Assistant: Let me practice on him.

Barber: All right; but be careful not to cut yourself.

What can I do to have nice white hands?— Correspondent to weekly paper asks. Nothing.

NO HUHRY.

One day the henpecked husband said to his wife: "I had a queer dream last night—that some nian was running off with you." "And what did you say to him?" asked his wife.

"Oh, I just told him to take his time."

JUST WHAT HE MEANT.

"On the day in which my wedding occurred "

"You'll pardon the correction, but affairs such as marriages, ..receptions, dinners, and things of that sort 'take place.' It is only calamities which 'occur.'. You see the distinction?"

"Yes, I see. As I was saying, the day on which my wedding occurred "

TOO EXPENSIVE.

"What's that big item on your expense account?" "Oh, that's my hotel bill." "Well, don't buy any more hotels."

WITHIN REACH.

Angry Citizen (to neighbour): Do you know, sir, that your dog has bitten me on the ankle?

Dog Owner: Well, what of it? You surely couldn't expect a little dog like that to bite you on the neck, could you?

AN INCONSISTENT SIXPENCE.

Lady Collector: I'm collecting for the Anti-Gambling Society. Speculator: Well, look in th' paper ternight, ma, an' if Whistlin1 Sarah wins the 2.30 you can put me down fer sixpence..

IN APPROVED MANNER.

"Did the plumber come down to inspect the pipes this morning?" "Yes." "What did he say?"

"He said there was nothing the matter, but he could soon.remedy that."

THE FINAL COURSE.

They were discussing the education of their children. "What's your boy going to be when he leaves the university?" asked one.

"An octogenarian, I fear," the other replied.

WANT "AD'S."

Wanted: A woman who can wash iron, and milk cows.

Wanted: Situation by a young lady aged 24 for three years. Wanted: A boy who can open oysters with a good reference.

WILD.

Nothing is calculated to make a woman more furious than to arrive at a meeting place ten minutes late, only to find that the other person has not yet arrived.

NOT GUILTY.

Magistrate (to man accused of begging):- What have you to say?

Prisoner: It wasn't my fault, sir. I just held out my hand to see if it was raining, and the gent dropped a penny in it.

SAFE.

The young man had leapt into the sea and risked his life to rescue a girl from drowning. "Young man," said her father, "I can never thank you sufficiently for your heroic act. You incurred' an awful risk in saving my only daughter."

"None whatever," replied the rescuer. "I'm married already."

FINAL,

First Business Man: Old Sharklee is going to retire from business. Second Business Man: I've heard him say that before. First Business Man: I know, but the Judge said it this time.

LEGAL NOTE.

"Rastus,, what am an alibi?"

"An alibi? Why, an alibi is proyin' you was at a pray ah meetin' whar you warn't, instead of de othah place whar you was."

NO CHANCE,

"Johnny, I can't understand why I didn't accept you the very first time you proposed." ' . . "That's easy. You weren't there."

GRATITUDE.

"I got soft-hearted yesterday and gave a fool a shilling." "What did your husband say?" ■ "Thanks." , .

HIS WAY.

"Our ice cream can't be beaten." "No? Well, just watch me give it a licking!"

SPOILT.

"My dear sir, you natter me by lingering to hear the remainder of my tale when the other guests dashed away at the sound of the V- dinnergong," said the long-winded -lodger to his one remaining listener. ' "What! Has the dinner-going gone?" asked the other, as he jumped to his feet and dashed towards the diningroom. ; ;• ..,;-.

SUCH IS .JAZZ,

"When Jake's dog tipped over a table in the cafe, four waiters dropped their trays at the same time." "Yes, and I heard that two couples got up to dance, thinking it was a new jazz tune." .... ~; ,

URCIMT.

Mrs. .T-v.'-v1 Yo' l?rw.in»f«r! S'pose I was took ill an' couldn't ♦-'-* in washing, how would you live? Mr. Jackson: Ah never thought ob dat, honey. Ah'U hustle 'round tomorrow and git some health insurance on you.

REVENGE,

The lady was visi" iV>* aquarium. "Can you tell me whether I could get a live shark here?" she asked an attendant. "A live shark? What would you do with a live shark?" .. "A neighbour's cat has been eating my goldfish and I want to teach him a lesson."

QUITE RIGHT.

"What is the plural of man?" asked the teacher. "Men," replied little Willie. "And the plural of child?" continued the teacher. "Twins." was the startling reply.

MONARCH RETIRED FROM . BUSINESS. '

There is a neat tale of an exiled monarch who, being invited to a festivity, began chatting to another guest. Soon, the other man, a hotel proprietor, confided that there was not much doing in his line of business at the moment. "Nor in mine," said the former king. "And might I ask what is your line?" "Oh! I keep the Crown and Sceptre," was the reply. ' _ "You're lucky," sighed the other. "I couldn't keep mine."

JARGE'S PERM.

Jarge had just started courting, and his young lady, thinking to smarten him up a little, told him to get his hair cut at the barber's for once, instead of doing it with the sheep-shears. For a short time Jarge looked very spruce indeed, but, after a month.pr so, he reverted to his former untidy appearance. "Ec! That barber's shop were . a fraud," he said. "Permanent waving and haircutting,'" said the notice, and yer see tiz as bad as ever.

A LONG WAIT.

They were a party of actors travelling by train, and they were indulging in personal reminiscences. One of them stated that he had recently dreamt that he went to Heaven. When he arrived he was informed that everything there was magnified to a wonderful extent. A minute became a million years, and a penny a million pounds. The latter fact impressed him particularly, so, advancing to St. Peter, he said: "Will you lend me a penny, please?" "Certainly," St. Peter answered. "Just a minute."

KIND THOUGHT.

"Dad," said the son of the house, "you are going to take me to the circus next week, aren't you?" Father looked very stern. "Yes, my son," he said. But only if you are very good." "Well,' dad," continued the boy, "I'm going to try awfully hard, because if you can't take me you won't have any excuse for going yourself. I don't want to disappoint you."

A SHOCK.

"What's the matter with your wife? She looks all broken up." "Yes. she had an awful jar the other day. She took off her new hat at a jumble sale, and someone sold it for a shilling."

FIT.

Basher, the boxer, had been signed up to fight a huge negro. On the eve of tKe match his backer nodded towards Basher's room and inquired of his trainer: "Fit?"

"Yes," came the retort. " 'E's in one now. 'E's just seen 'is opponent."