Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXIX, Issue 104, 4 May 1935, Page 34

Wit and Humour

"That is my husband over the other side of the room, Mrs. Catty." "Oh, don't apologise. Nobody is blaming you." He (after waiting over an hour for her to turn up): Well, I suppose I mustn'tcomplain. So far you've always got the day aud the month right. "Do you know your wife is telling everyone that you can't keep her in clothes?" "That's nothing.- I bought her a home and I can't keep her in that, either." Scotsman: If I gave you a pound note what would you do? Small Boy: I'd die of shock. s ■ Scotsman: Well, I've saved your life. Diner: Are you the waitress who took my order? YVaitress: Yes, sir. Diner: Well, well, that's most remarkable—you haven't aged at all. "No, I'm not married yet," young Blood informed his uncle, "but I'm as good as married—l'm engaged." The uncle laid a friendly hand on his shoulder. "As good, my boy?" he said feelingly. "If you' only knew it, it'a much bettei1." . "This is a very historic inn, sir," boasted the country innkeeper; "One of Ned Kelly's bullets took a chip out of the mantelpiece, another one buried itself in the wall there, and another one broke that vase." "Indeed," remarked the traveller, "and was it another one that made the dent in this scone." When the diner angrily complained that the glass of water served him was dirty the new waiter picked it up and held it to the light. "Why, sir, it's quite all right—it's only the glass that's dirty."

House Agent: You've seen the front bedroom, now this is the linen .cupboard. Flat-hunter: Yes, yes; I've got you. Ths cupboard is the one with the shelves. "Jim," said the coal dealer to one of his carters, "make that ton of coal for Mrs. Smith 3cwt short. She is a poor delicate woman, and lost her husband a few weeks ago. She will have to carry all of it up two flights of stairs, and I don't want her to overtax her strength." Pugilist: Yes, I take my training seriously. I go for tramps along country roads. Dear Old Lady: Well, it might be alright for your training, youug man; bin its being cruel to the tramns—unless, of course, they attack you first." An ambitious young man went to London to join the police. He passed the medical examination and was interviewed. 'Well, young man," said an officer, ."you look a promising sort of young fellow. You have a good general knowledge, 1 suppose? "Yes, sir!" "Can you tell me, then, how many miles it is from London to Aberdeen?" "Look here, sir," he blurti ± r,)' ou re going to Put me on that beat, I d rather stay at home and help father with the cows." '■ ■ She dabbled in water colours and was rather proud of the results; also her complexion was the envy of her acquaintances, and they said spiteful things about it At a dinner party she sat next to a shy, awkward young man who cudgelled his brains in vain for something to say. bhe took pity on him and tried to open conversation with expectant modesty: "I dare say that you have heard that I paint?" "Yes." he said, looking at her face. I hen he added with a pleasant smileBut I don't believe it!" A man walked into a shop and asked for a pair of boots. The assistant, a youth of fourteen, showed him a • suitable pair the price being 16s 6d. The customs stated that he had only 13s Cd with-him, and inquired. if he could pay that and bring the balance next day. He was told he could. After the customer had left, the proprietor reprimanded the assistant for allowing the man to take the boots, saying they would never see him again. . "Oh, but we shall," replied the youth "I wrapped up two boots for the left foot, so he's bound to come back."

"Millie has never been out with a boy in her life, yet she says her face is her fortune." ■ "It must be one of those unclaimed fortuues we read about." "Alas!" cried the egg, As it splashed a bit. "I was cast for the villain, And made a bit." Weaver: Poetry is something that ie born in someone; it cannot be acquired. The making of poetry is a gift. Beaver: So is the disposing of it, so far as I have had any experience. McTavish asked the local dentist theprice of an extraction. "Seven shillings and sixpence," was the reply. . ' "I canna pay ye that much, moh," retorted the Scot. "I'll gie ye 2s though, just tae loosen it a wee bit sac that I can pull it oot malself." • • Cohen and Macpherson were matched, and at the sixth the latter drove a beautiful ball straight up the fairway. Cohen followed, but went into the rough. After smiting about wildly he managed to get 'dear. . • "Hoo many?" queried the Scotsman. ■ "Three," replied Cohen. . "Why, I counted ten masel," roared Mac. "Veil," said Cohen, "vas it my fault if I had to kill a grass snake?" "How much for this big dog?" "Four guineas.." "And for this smaller- one?" ' "Five guineas." "And this little one?" "Sis guineas." "And for this tiny one?" ' "Eight guineas." "Heavens! What'll it cost me if I don't buy one at all?"

"Does your -wife njiss you much?" i es; but not as much as she hits me.' Friend: Did you fish with flies? Returning Camper: Fish with them? We fished' with them, camped with them, ate with them, and slept with them. Vicar (at village choir practice): The trebles will sing alone till we come tj 'The gates of hell"—then you will all come "Is your son bright?" "He ought to he. He's burning the candle at both .ends." ~ Daughter (to suitor): What did father say.? Did he consent? Suitor.(a super-salesman): Consent? Say, here a his order for two dozen of champagne for the wedding. ■ The Judge was disgusted with the attempts of the accused to defend himself - "I ye never seen such clumsy lying," lie declared. "Why on earth don't you get a lawyer to act for you?" Said Jones, sadly: "Something I said to my wife some days ago so offended her she hasn't spoken to me since." "Old, chap," returned He'npeck, wifli painful eagerness, "would you mind telling me what it was you said?" First- Skater: What are you laughing Second Skater: That fellow at the otheend of the pond whom we couldn't bear. y.rhat about him?" "The ice couldn't bear him, either." First Crook: How did Bill die? Second Crook: ]E fell through some scaffolding. Fust Crook: Whatever was 'c doin<» up there? ■ . Second Crook: Being 'anged. Owner of old car: My price sir, includes everything you'll need—even roa-l maps. Prospective Purchaser: And what about a railway time-table? Young man (to her little brother): Johnnie, it may be criiel to tell you, but at the party last night your sister promised to become my wife. Will you forgive me for taking her away? Johnnie: Forgive you? Why,' that was what the party was for.

SMART. Teacher: Tommy, give me a sentence which includes the word "Fascinate." Tommy (after deep thought): My father has a waistooafc with ten buttons on, but he can only fasten eight. KEPT~DARK. "Would your husband object to you going out with another man?" "Ho wouldn't hear cf such a thing." MOKE TROUBLE IN STORE. "Now, Tommy, kiss nurse good-night."' "I don't want to—she slapped Dad<!y for doing it this afternoon." NEEDLESS ADVICE. Doctor: I advise you to take things quietly. Patient: Not 'arf, I won't! I'm a burglar. HE GOT PLENTY. Pat: A burglar got into niy house while I was out on Friday night. Mick: Go on! Did he get anything? Pat: He did. surely. The wife thought it was me! ABSENT. Brown: I believe that you have mv grandson working in your office? Merchant: Yes, he is usually, but t"day s the cup tie, and he's gone to your funeral. HAD EXPERIENCE. Ss !d S, c' nervously: "I Bay , -what on earth will your father say when he knows we are engaged?" *■ 'i'-°iV'i Eb ie answered, "he'll be simplj delighted; he always is." FULL INSTRUCTIONS. Hostess (at children's party): What time' are you expected home, dear"' 1 ¥ li'r c iP irl (denlu'-ely): I dou't know, but Mother said I hadn't to miss any thing. ' J NOT XTOO BAD. Jones: Good-morning, Brown! Heard the news: • " Brown: No tell me. Jones: Well, Jackson cut his tongue Brown: Goodness! What for? Jones: To get his boot on! OBVIOUS. _ Lady (to new maid): I am not difficult to please, .Jane. ■ - * : ; Maid (cbrdiallyi: I could see that, muni, as soon as 1 set eyes on the master. \ . .. l • A-SHOCK'FOR HIM. ■ faH n bt°o U t L CpZl. QUiOk! Y°Ur Marr' 6 Farmer: What has? Neighbour: Your wife—Mary. m.Far?l er: You did.give me a shock. I thought you said the mare had fallen QUITE EASY. "Have you ever run over anybody""' askf.d the boy of the tasi-drvier. "No'" reP,.» Jfe man- "but I once ran over mv bof-, .Well," replied .the man, "I onc-p asked a .boy to go across the road for some petrol and, as he wouldn't do it I just ran. over myself." . . . • . J A BAD START. "I grovel here in the dust at 'your feet/ exclaimed the impassioned-young Buitor as 8 "« "Dust! Dust! • Do you mean to insult me? she gasped. "And after 1 spent th« whole morning cleaning the room!" SUITABLE. D} dJ^ make your b°y a shoemaker. "No, his mother and me talked it over and, as he was so fond of animals, we've apprenticed him to a butcher." .PLAYTIME. Old Lady (reading paper): Well, well, 1 never knew that our firemen were *) childish. It says here that after the flami* were extinguished the firemen played on the rmhs for some hours. . , BLESSINGS OF SOLITUDE. "Out in Australia, where I live," said the lecturer, 'neighbours are Boinetmvs as much as twenty miles apart." ft must be lonesome," remarked a lietener. . . . . • • "It has its compensations,". continued the lecturer; "for instance, when one puchases a lawnmower, it practically becomes one s own property." ■ •' ABSENT-MINDED. Inspector (to constable who has just brought in a prisoner): So this is tha fellow who stole the wagop-load of sand D.d you get the-sand? . | Policeman: No, sir. • . ' Inspector: Search him, then! SMALL PORTION. ' ." ' Diner: Waiter, will you please close that door? Waitei: Certainly, sir. Is there a draueht sirr "■ Diner: Well, not exactly a draught, byt tftis is the fourth time my chop has been blown off the plate. PERHAPS NOT. : ~ ■ The oldest inhabitant in the village had just died, and Sam passed on the news to his pal Joe. ' J -'J E, ben J e-ze.r,,dead?" exclaimed Joe.' "How did-he die?" "Passed away in his sleep," answered oam. "Oh!" retorted Joe; "then he don't know nothing about it yet?" NO HINT. A little girl who liked to visit next door often came home eating a piece of cake. Uer mother, on learning that she had asked tor it, explained that good manners forbid .doing this, and emphatically told her she must never ask for cake or anything to eat when in someone else's house. A few days later, while visiting next door, the child said: "Mrs. Robinson I see you're making a cake. But you're not going to give me any, are you?" ' " ' . * CAUGHT. Mr. Swear and Mr. Swanke were business, enemies, but chance had placed them on the same board of directors: One day. after a meeting, Mr. Swear, was holding forth. "There are hundreds of ways of making money, he said, provocatively. "Yes," put in Mr. Swanke, "but only one honest way." "What way's that?" asked Mr. Swear, sharply. ' "Ah!" retorted Mr. Swanke, "I thought you wouldn't know it." THE FEATHER. "I shall have to put you tWo fellows into the same room," said the host to his guests. "You won't mind?" "Of course not," chorused the guests. "Well, I think you'll have a comfortable night. The bed's a feather one," remarked the host as he left them for the night. At two o'clock in the morning one of the guests woke his companion. "Change places, Dick," he groaned. "It's my turn to lie on the feather." A GOOD EXAMPLE. ' The famous violipist was to give a recital,- and every seat in the concert hall was taken, many people being turned away. Just before the performance commenced, a breathless woman arrived at the box office, dragging behind her a little boy if about nine years of age. "Two one-aud-threepenny seats, please." she said. "I'm sorry, there are none left—even the fifteen-shilling seats are taken," w-is the answer. .'.'What! Do you mean people pay fifteen shillings just to hear a man play the violin?" the woman cried. "Willie! D'you hear that? '—boxing his ears. "Now wl) you practice?" • ALL ABOARD. . A Montclair lady tells us she was waiting for a train one day when she was actracted by two women. One was middleaged and the other older, and they were both nervous and uneasy. Their observer figured them as not having travelled much. She is sure she is right, because presently an announcer called'out that the train for Buffalo was ready. The two ladies fluttered about among their pieces of baggage. A porter, pushing a luggage truck along the platiorm, noticed their excitement, stopped and said, "Do you want to get aboard now?' The younger lady looked at him for a moment and then, to the surprise of everybody, especially the porter, she said, "Well, I suppose I might au well," and climbed up on the truck,