Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXIX, Issue 70, 23 March 1935, Page 15

Wit and Humour

Teacher: What is wind, Johnny? Johnny: Air in v hurry, sir. A.: Explorers have discovered an African tribe of men who beat the ground with sticks as a sign of anger. B.: Well, well! Fancy golf spreudiug to equatorial Africa! "I hear that Mrs. Highbride is much disappointed in her husband." "Dreadfully. She understood he was a home-loving man, and now he wants to tug along with her everywhere she goes." "The trouble with Smith," said one actor, "is that he is always untidy. He doesn't keep himself clean." Said another, with a trace of bitterness, "Well, he ought to be clean. He's always sponging." Life Insurance Agent: My dear sir, have you made any provision for those who e6md after you? Harduppe: Yes, I put the dog at the door and told the servant to say I'm out of town. "What do you think of your new neighbour?" "I shall not s tell you—l m not one of those who say evil behind people's backs. I shall only say that I am sorry for her husband." Smith: From tomorrow onwards I shall alter my diet; I shall eat nothing but fruit—no bread, no meat, no cakes, no pastry. , ' Brown: Doctor's orders, I suppose? Smith: No; the butcher and baker won't give me any more credit, but the fruiterer will. Judge (in traffic court): I'll let you' off with a fine this time, but an6ther day I'll send you to gaol. Driver: Sort of a weather forecast, en, Judge Judge: What do you mean Driver: Fine today—cooler tomorrow. The Irishman wae relating his adventures in the jungle. "Ammunition, food, and whisky had run out," he said, "and we were parched with thirst." "But wasn't there any water? "Sure, but it was no time to be thinking of cleanliness." A very stout woman had just had a new heater fixed in her bathroom, and she asked the plumber who had done the job: "How many pennies shall I have to use to get a hot bath?" ; "Well, ma'am," replied the plumber, "speakin' for meself, I can get nicely covered for twopence, but I expect you .11 lind it a bit more expensive." Two Highlanders met one morning, and one observed the other to be wrapped in gloom.' He asked the cause, and the other replied: "It's that mon McTavish! He ca'ed me a leearl" , ~ , . His friend tried to console him, explaining that many a man had been called a liar and had been none the worse for it. But the gloomy one replied, heatedly, 'But dammit, mon, he. proved it!" : The house was still, it being nearly midnight. Suddenly through the silence rang a passionate vojee. "Answer me, Dorothy, answer me. I can bear the suspense no longer." "Answer him, Dorothy," came the voice of Dorothy'sl father from the landing, as he thought of the coal flnd light bills! "I can't bear' this expense much longer." A man was bragging that he could name any brand of spirit, and an onlooker, taking a flask from his pocket, asked the connoisseur to taste that and tell him what it was. • , He did so, and promptly spat it out. "Good heavens'." .he cried. "I'hat c petrol." "Yes, I know," came the bland reply, "but what brand?" It was positively and absolutely the last g66d-night. lii a farewell embrace they stood in the dim hall, when her little brother happened along. "Oh!" he exclaimed. "We were seeing which is the taller, explained the young man hastily, and in some confusion. "You are about ten inches taller," piped the little fellow, "but Mary is about ten shades redder!" A new baby girl had arrived at Brown's. "And what do you intend to call the baby?" asked a neighbour of Mr. Brown. "Dinah M," was the reply. '"Good gracious!" said the neighbour, "and what does the 'M' stand for?" "Well," replied Mr. Brown, "if she grows up like her father, meek and mild, we shall call her Dinah May, but if she grows up like her mother, we shall call her Dinah Mite." She was the owner of a prize dbg, and had occasion to speak severely to her maid, who had entered the room to take the phenomenon for a walk. The maid had said, "Come along, Fifi —just like that. "Mary," said the mistress. "I do not insist on your calling Fifi 'Miss,' but I must ask you when addressing her to say 'Please.'" "I say, BilV' said a bricklayer to his mate, "what's a cosmopolitan?" ! "Well," was the careful reply, "if there was a Russian Jew, living in Scotland, with an Italian wife smoking Turkish cigarettes at a French window in a room with a Persian carpet and a German band wae playing 'The Dear Little Shamrock' after a supper of Dutch cheese made into a Welsh rarebit, you'd be quite safe in saying that chap was a cosmopolitan." A woman entered a post office after 8 p.m., and wanted to send a telegram. The clerk told her that the delivery office was closed, and that it would not be delivered. The woman, indignant, said it ought to be delivered, because the post office was quite near. "How near?" asked the clerk. She replied: About five miles, as the crow flies. < To which the clerk retorted: I'u« sorry, madam, but we do not deliver by crow after 8 p.m. The slightly deaf old sportsman was rather run down. He consulted his doctor, and the doctor prescribed claret and plenty of it. • ■ ■ A month went by, and the old fellow returned, brimming over with good health. "Capital," exclaimed the doctor. "I see that diet of claret worked the trick." "Claret!" said the patient. "Claret! I thought you said carrot. I've been eating two pounds of the things every day for the last four weeks." There are some repartees which have the decisive force of a right cross counter in a boxing contest. Here is one delivered by a busy lawyer in the city whose office was invaded by a large, leisurely person in vivid golfing garb. . , "Glad I haven't got to stay in a fußty office all. day," said the invader. "Must have lots of open-air exercise to keep fit." ' ~ "Fit for what?" was the retort. A man stood for several minutes watching a brawny carman tugging at a "heavy box almost as wide as the doorway through which he was trying to move it. Presently the onlooker asked: "Like a lift?" "Thanks. I would," the other replied, and for the next five minutes the two men. on opposite sides of the box. worked, lifted, puffed, and wheezed, but.the object of their attentions did not move an inch. Finally the helper straightened up and said between puffs: "I don't believe—we can —ever get—it out." "Get it out?" the carman roared. "Why, you idot. I'm trying to get it in!"

Foreman: You must not smoke at work. Labourer: Who's workin'? Visitor:. I don't approve of cage birds. Was he born in captivity? Bird Fancier: Yes; he was born in an egg. Judge: What possible excuse did you have f6r acquitting that mtnderer? Foreman of Jury: Insanity. Judge: What, all twelve of you? "Does your husband ever quarrel with you?" "Goodness, no! James is too much of a gentleman. He just goes out and skins the door!" "I am willing to do anything," said the applicant for-wovk, "All right," said the hard-hearted merchant. "Please clo&e the door behind you when you go out." Husband: I can't stand this moneymoney—money business much longer, The next time you mention money, I'll leave you. Wife: How much, dear? "That's my shillin'." "Wild says' so?" " 'S got my name on." "Whii'sli y'r name?" "George." • | • "That's right—it's youis." Mrs. Newlywed: My husband admires everything about mo—my voice, my hands, my eyes, my figure. Friend: And what do you admire about him? ' Mrs. Newlywed: His good taste. It happened in New York's East Side. "How many seasons aie there?" asked the teacher. "Just two," answered, Rachel. "What are they?" inquired the puzzled instructor. "Slack and busy," replied Rachel. "Dae ye speak tae McKie?" "Na, I dinna speak tae ouybody smarter than maself?" "But hoo dae ye know he's smarter than yersel?" "Weel, he once had a chance o marrying ma wife—but he got pot of it." "Thompson's not a bad fellow," said Hayes, "He always claims that when charity is needed he is the first to put his hand in his pocket." Bolton nodded his head. "Yes," he said, "and keeps it there until the danger is. aver." "Well, that's settled, anyway," Robirt-, son sighed. "I've just had a row with the missus, but we've finally thrashed out the question of who's going to be boss in our house!" «,, "And who is going to be boss? "She is!" . : Here is an American story. • A man contemplating suicide wrote two farewell notes. He then climbed on to the railing of a bridge. He was about to jump 260 ft to death when a policeman shouted; "Get down or I'll shoot." And the wouldbe suicide got down. . "It's funny, Mabel," he said, as they one-stepped in the dance hall, "that chap over there has been following us about all the evening. Who is he, and what is he after?" \ , , , "That miserable-looking, half-starved fellow in.the spotted tie?" remarked Mabel casually. "Dou't worry about him; hes only the fellow who paid for^ me to conic in." ''■'■■' ■' "Do you know, dear," said Mrs. Dpbson,."niy husband saya I look ten years younger in this hat?" '.•Really!" replied Mrs. Hobson, "and how old are you?" "Thirty." "No; I mean without the hat. Diner: What's wrong with you tonight? You start dinner with fish and now you bring in soup. Don't you know that «oup ife the first course? , Waiter (confidentially): Yes, sir, beg pardon, but I thought it was time you had that fish. ■ A young man walked into the^ bank with an air of great confidence. "May I deposit ten pounds here at the end of the month ?" he asked. "Most certainly," was the reply. The young man's face lit up. "Splendid!" ho exclaimed. "And could you let me have a fiver of it now? Two enemies were trying to be sociable at a function, and were discussing beauty hints. ' ■ ■ . I "My dear," said one, "I could give you a wrinkle or two." .: , . ~-- "l'm sure you could," said the^otner, gently, "and never miss them, too. There had been an accident, and the sympathetic old lady stooped and smoothed his forehead. "My poor fellow, she crooned, "tell me your name, and I will tell your mother." ' ' "Thank you," nasped the victim, but my mother knows my name." "What happened after you were thrown out of the side exit on your face?' "I told the fellow I belonged to a very important family." ' "So what?" ,■'■ ' '*•-.■ "He begged my pardon, asked me in again, and threw me out of the front door." . A Scotsman and an American struck up an acquaintance in a hotel lounge. After the former had had several drinks at the Amercian's expense, he said to him: "Well, will you have a drink wi' me? "Sure," replied the other,. blandly. I guess I'll have a glass of champagne. For an instant the Scotsman was staggered. . . „ • . "Aye, well, ye can guess again, ne said at last, "and guesa nearer saxpence." The vicar was taking tea with Mrs. Brown when the door opened and little Tommy made his appearance. "Please, mummy/ he said, "can I nave the volumes of Shakespeare?" The vicar smiled r. L. the boy. "I'm so glad to see you interest yourself in the works of the great, Tommy, he said. _ "Which o£ Shakespeare's plays «lo you like best?" Tommy was a trifle confused. "P-pleaße, sir," he replied, "I in getting them for father—he wants to press his trousers." . : ,■.'■■ ; Two Cockneys were sentenced to death for murder. As the date of their execution drew nearer their nerves became more and more .shaken. Dawn of the fatal morning found them in a state or terrific fear. . . ■ ■■ .■ ■. "Me mind's all in a whirl, said_ one of them. "I can't remember anything. I can't even remember what dye of the week it is." ' ; ; "It's Monday.", stated his companion in misfortune. •' "Ow!"said the first One. "Wot a rotten wye to start the week!" " 'Appy Christmas, sir," said the urchin. The old gent looked suspiciously at the pile of snowballs beside him. "What are they for?" he asked. "For sale, sir." *' ; "For Sale?" • _, . ;"Yes, sir. ShilliiM? the lot. Those that don't buy gets 'em for nothing." j