Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXVIII, Issue 114, 10 November 1934, Page 24

Wit and Humour

"I might inflict a seveie penalty," said the Magistidjfe, "but I'm going to give you .1 chance Fined £5 " •'Wheie'" asked the defendant eagerly.

Docloi. Well, did you take tip golf to cuie you of jour neivous trouble? Patient. Yes; and now 'I want something to cuie me of golf.

Mothci: Why aien't you fuendly with the chemist's little boy any moie? . Bcitie: Aw, the maibles seasons finished, so I don't need his mothballs any more. , t

Constable: Heie, what's the idea of paiking your cai in a'safety zone.' Fair Driver: Oh, constable, I've heaid so much about these car thievei that I felt I had to leave it somewheio safe.

Ebkimo (when the thermometer has btood at zeio): This heat can't last.

Old Golfer: Did it in 82, eh? That's excellent for^a beguinei.l - * ' New Golfer: Too right—an' tomorrow I'll try the second hole. " "I get thiee pounds a, week'and my wife gets three pounds a week, too," "Gee, doesn't that six pounds?" ! "No, I get it fust and she gets it afterwaicls ''

Fathei That young doctor has charged foi a visit a day foi the past s>ix months. Surely you haven't been as ill as all that? Daughter- No, daddy; but he has asked me to marry him, so I am helping him to build up a good practice. '

Office Boy: I claim a rise on account of my woik in connection with the big contract this film has'secured. Boss- What have you had to do with it? Office Boy: I posted the tender.

' Taxi-dnver: Say, mister, the brakes won't take; I can't stop the car! Fare (anxiously): For heaven's sake stop the meter, anyway. Jockey: Well, I was nursing 'im all the i way, , i Oirner: Yeah. An' yer had him jolly near asleep at, the finish. Judge- You still say you •Here innocent, although six witnesses saw you steal the hen? _ ~ , PnsoncL. Your Honour, I could produce six thousand 'who didn't see me Constable. Heie, I've caught you gtealm(f a car. ' 1 Thief ."It was standing in front of this ' cemetery, and I thought the owner was, I dead. 1 "My teacher's awful mean." 1 "Hush, my son. You mustn't say 1 that" . ', , , "Well, she is. She asked for my knife I to sharpen my pencil to give me a bad i mark." , ' i • "Why are you , crying, Elsie?" "I have got a new toofh, but it is a 1 white one! and I wanted a gold one like s Uncle Jack." THE NEXT' STEP. i ' Husband: One more payment and the L furniture's ouis. L Wife: Good! Then we can throw it out and get some new stuff. THE LIMIT. . , ' Lecturer (in village school): Well, ' chlichen, what shall I talk to >ou about? Small Boy (in front row): About five ■ minutes, sir. l GAVE IN*. Banjoist: My wife started nagging me last night and I finally let her have it. , Saxophonist: Gosh(, you hit her? , Banjoist: No, I let her have the new ' Icoat she was nagging me for PLUCKY. FELLOWS. < "What is Cumson Gulch doing about the crime wave?" „ , . , "We have built a good stone gaol with ! iron bars and window shutters." "Andjf a bandit comes along?" l ''We'll barricade ourself in the gaol and defy him."

"candid. , tailor: When your father gent you for patterns, didn't lie say what colour and material he wanted? Small Boy: I don't think it mutters, sir. He wants them for penwipers. , * HARD Ul\ "I can't think what that extravagant fellow Smith does with' his money. He had none the day before yesterday, none yesteiday, and none today." "Did he try to borrow off you?" "No/ I tried to borrow off him." HOW DO THEY KNOW? 1 "If I am the first man you ever kissed, how 16 it you kiss so well?" "If I am the first girl you have ever Idssed, how do you know -I ktts well ?" GIFT FOR' MOTHERJN-LAW. Dentist's Wife: What a'hall we give mother for her birthday? , Dentist: Tell; her I' will extract her teeth for nothing. . * SUSPICIOUS. The maid was cleaning the titairg the morning following a wedding reception, and picked up a spoon. "Some guest must have had a nole in his pocket," she observed. PASSING IT ON. . Jones: Good evening, old < chap. Thought I'd diop in and sec you about the overcoat you borrowed from me last week. Biown: Very sorry, old man, but I lent it to a triend of mine. Were you

wanting it? Jones: Well, I wasn't wanting' it, but the chap I borrowed it' fiom says the owner wants it. .

, PRECISE An American sugar planter in Hawaii took a friend from the States to toe edge of a volcano. "That crater ia 70,004 yeart old," he explained. > "How do you get the exact age?" asked the newcomer. "I can understand the 70,000, but how do you calculate the four?" , "Well, I've been id the islands for four years, and that crater was 70,000 years old when I arrived" ~~~~ i , ' DOUBTFUL STRATEGY. ' Slowly, with a menacing look in his eyes, the bulldog approached the two street musicians. ' The men looked at him out of the \ corners of their eyes and then' slowly edged away. . , "I say, Bill," said the man with the banjo, suddenly, "blow 'ard on your cornet; perhaps it'll frighten 'im away. "Yes, ,that'i all very well," said Bill with a doubtful grimace. "But if it don t do the trick, where'll I get the wind to run with?" ' , A QUESTION OF RUNNING. "You'Jl get run in," said the pedestnau to the cyclist, '"if you ride without a. "You'll get run into," responded the nder\ as he knocked the other down. ' "You'll get run in, too," said the policeman as he stepped forward and sewed the cyclist. ' Just then another scorcher came along without a light, so the policeman was run into, too, and had to run in two. , THE ONLY WAY LEFT. Mrs. (Mymber was giving a little dinner party1 to some influential fuends, and « as in a fix owing to her maid having left that morning without giving notice. She decided to ask the cook if she would help her out. ' "Jane," she said tearfully, "what am I to do? Mary hsfs gone and I've nobody to wait at the table. Do you think you could possibly do it?" "Not in the dining-room, ma am, was cook's firm response, /'but I've had some canteen experience ■which might be useful. If you'll send out jour guests to the kitchen when they arrive, and tell ] them to bring their plates and knives and forks with them. I'U see that they get all that's comin' to them."

„ RECOGNISED. Biitlei: Your car is at the door, su. Guest: I know. >I heard it knocking. AWKWARD. "Don't come down the ladder, Mike, I've taken it away." Mike: Well, put it back. I'm halfway down. t HIS JOB. Criminal (who has got a life /sentence): Oh, my lord, I shall never live to do it. Kindly Judge: Never mind, my man, do as much of it as you can. WHAT 'DID HE MEAN? Patient: Yes, doctor, my breathing wornc« me a lot. Doctor: Don't woriy—l'll coon stop that. MOST UNCOMMON. . Little Gill: Uncle Bob, you're not married, are you? Uncle: No, Joan, I'm not. Little Girl: Then who tells you what you shouldn't do, uncle? IN A HURRY. Connie: Look. I got a fourteen-page letter this morning from Tom. Dotis: Coo! He must be in love with you. What does he «ign himself? Connie: Yours in lw»>te. HE KNEW. Bride: I cooked the supper tonight, darling. Guess what you're going to get?" . Groom: Indigestion. ONE GOOD THING. First Bambler: Good gracious!. Smith has juat fallen over a precipice! - Second Rambler: Thank goodness he wasn't cairying the lunch basket. ' CONTINUOUS. "Your opening sale has > closed. What now?" "Our closing sale opens. , DEFINITION. An economist ,is a man who know* what to do with' another man's money if he has any. ■ ' TROUBLE'IN STORE., Maid: The master's locked up for the night, ma'am. Mistress: Oh, I didn't hear him come in. Maid: He hasn't, ma'am. They've just telephoned from'the police station. POOR JOHNNY. Johnny: I -wish father hadn't invented that new soap:. . <" , , Mother: Wiry?' i , Johnny: Well, every time a customer comes in, I'm'washed as •■ample. ' VANISHED HOPE. "Don't be downhearted," said the tailor. "Seasickness never killed anyone." The suffering one groaned. "I'm sorry to hear it. It's' only the- hope of dying that's kept me alive so far." TRYING.. " \ A critic declares that there 'is' nothing that annoya novelists more than the per* son who starts reading their book* in the middle. Unless, of course, it's the person who stops reading at that point. MODEST REQUEST. Customer: Do you exchange unsatisfactory goods? > Salesman: Certainly, sir. , , Customer: Well, this is an' overcoat I got here last year. I think your new style is much better. ' NOT FAR. "And now how far is your bouse from the station*" * ' "Only a five-minute * walk if you run." NOT QUITE ( THE SAME. Henpeck" (who has joist overheard his wife scolding the maid): You and I both seem to be in the same unfortunate position, Mary. ~ Maid: Not likely! I'm giving her a week's notice tomorrow. STAGGERING. Little Girl (gazing on stag's head on wall in Auntie's house): Can we go into the next room. Auntie? I want to see the rest of the stag. ' < HE KNEW,* HER WRITING. An old Irishwoman wished to send a telegram to her son. When the obliging Post Office clerk offered to write it for her. the said promptly: "If ye plaze, muter, I'll do it meself, for Patrick know* me writing." SKIMPY. "All "I got at her house was a 'cup of shamrock tea," remarked a young fellow.' "What an earth's shamrock tea?" asked his companion. - .■ ' J "You know the kind—made with three leaves." DISQUALIFIED. Angiy Guide: ,Why didn't you shoot at the tiger? Timid Hunter: He hadn't the Tight kind of expression ou hu-face for a rug. NASTY. , Smith (boastingly): My wife's always in the, fashion; why, she's just bought a pair of gloves with a mirror on the ■wristband! - Jones: Umph; reminds me of my wireless set. Smith: Why? Jones: Well, the dial' need* fiequent attention iwhen there's a loudspeaker attached! SOLE SUPPORT.., . ! A shiftless specimen of, humanity came along the street one morning, and joining a group at the corner, announced that he was going to leave town—said he could not live in it any longer. Someone asked 'him what »m the matter. * ' ' "Well," he naid, "the town is all right; but it's the hardest place in the world for a woman to get work in!"