POSTSCRIPTS

Evening Post, Volume CXVII, Issue 51, 1 March 1934, Page 10

POSTSCRIPTS

m Chronicle and Comment

•■ BY PERCY.FLAGE

.Add similes: As busy as idle curios- * * » The pen may be mightier than the sword, but no one has yet been clever enough to convert it into a ploughshare; • ■ - ~ • "'.*. * At any rate, it is too early yet to describe that policy, pronouncement of the New Zealand Legion as an ex-party statement. . . • • * . ♦ ♦ '•'•..'■ News heading in "The Post":— SHEEPSTEALING PRECAUTIONS. The first and most important, of course, is to take care not to be caught red-handed. ' .'' * * * ' NONSENSE STORY. , Sent in by "H.M." A traveller entered a country hotel and ordered ham. sandwiches. " "And I want them without mustard," he emphasised. A long time elapsed before the waiter returned' with a plate of cut sand^ wiches. "I am sorry, sir," he apologised. "We have no ham sandwiches without mustard, so I've brought you some without tomato sauce." .-.*■■ - . * ■ *.'■•'.* .:■■.. •• ■-." SUB JUDICE? Flage,—Kef erring to'the competition between "Ossie," of Petone, and "Gaping Arthur," may I have a small say? If so here it is:— •. I would like the judges to note, •: That I'd refuse to give any vote. -To blokes that change lamb Into slices of ham. , I think they are acting the goat. POKER NED. Napier. . ■ " * " * » "■.•■■ THE VERSATILE PAGET. ■ Sir- Richard Paget, in the cables th« other day as the inventor of an apparatus to simulate the human voice is Unusually versatile. [Barrister, architect, arbitrator, silversmith,' composer, artist, and scientist, he has done extraordianry things in the cause of science. The Admiralty, wanted tests made for a new submarine detector. It wanted to know the various musical notes miide by engines under water. Sir Richard allowed himself to be lowered head first from a derrick into the sea. Submerged, he made musical notations.' These are now in the Admiralty archives. Recently Paget showed a friend an artificial throat he had made. It talks with an American accent. Paget made it say, among other things, "Oh, Minnie!" '.'Why, '0 Minnie!' 'Tasked the friend. The throat, which was a copy of an '<Adam's' apple," laughed sardonically. .■■:'< " ■<■■? . * * ■■■■■". : FOG THAT LASTED TWO YEARS. England is having her. share of foes —thick ones, at that, . But the most remarkable fog ever known in Europe was in.the 18th century., It.lasted continuously for fwo years—l7B2 and 1753. The whole Continent, from Lapland to the Mediterranean was shrouded by a dry fog so thick that at noon in summer the, suh took on a blood-red hue. ':-. The "never-ending fog;was pale blue in colour, and never lifted day or night. Rain had no effect on it, and it extended over countries like Britain, with its changeable climate, and Spain and Italy, where the air is usually serene and clear. This fog visitation caused the greatest alarm everywhere. The public mind became agitated as it never had been before, and. prayers were offered for tho removal of the fog. During the summer of 1783 thunderstorms were experienced of a more violent kind than any then on record. These caused many deaths. An epidemic- of influenza raged at the same time. But the doom of tho two-year fog was sealed. In the autumn of 1783 gales and heavy rains set in, and soon the fog disappeared. It was almost universally attributed to the terrible eruption of Scaptar Jokull, a volcano in Iceland, which threw -up more than 80,000,000 tons of matter, burned up seventeen villages, and devastated a large tract of country. \ . ■ ■ ■•■■■■■• •' "; V; ■ MORNING TEA MONOLOGUE. I've a nidea—a dinky one. Yes, please . . ; some uv that toasted bun; It doesn't seem too clever, still, I'm tough; they cannot make me ill. The service 'ere, it seems to me,' Is suff'rin' from degen'racy, Jest as Bill's morals was before (That is 19-nothin'-f our)— I took the dashin' youth in 'and, Givhr 'im straight to hunderstand 'E'd'ave to be in earnest, or 'Twas, "outski!" through the kitchen door ■ . • ---- ' . For 'im; at which hees big red fist - Closed sudden round me slender wrist, Hees lips'all trembled as'e said, The wile 'c bowed hees crested 'cad, "Knowin' you, darlin', as I do, You'll take all sort uv care I'm true.1? Bill's kep' hees word, in deeds at least1. But if by charnce I was deceased I'll bet you, lovi&i to you* face L'd soon .'aye someone in me place, Consortiu' with me 'ouse'old gods, Me pots-'n'-pans, me curtain rods, Me fiddle (it 'as lorst two strings), "■■ Me joolery, me rolled-gold rings (All.guaranteed), not to ferget The fambly album. Should Bill let Hees No. 2 but touch that book, Dead or alive, would I go crook! Where was I? Yes—that bright idea— What 'it me as I come down 'ere, Not thinkin' uv wot-niight befall, Or workin' menterly at all: Aint hinspiration strange? Great Scottl If that's the' time I'll 'aye to trot. ■•■■• ♦ ■» ALL CARE TAKEN, BUT • ■He is a Wellington citizen who borrowed from a certain financial institution in order to build a house. One of the conditions under which . the loan was granted was that the . lender be notified whenever the house was likely to be unoccupied. Recently the mortgagor decided to go off with his family for a. holiday, and advised the mortgagee institution accordingly. Back camo the reply: "It will be necessary, for the dwelling to be securely locked, and probably you are in a position to have someone nearby . keeping an eye on the security." The mortgagor responded in these: terms: "In reply I ■have to assure you .that the dwelling will be securely locked both back -and front doors, also all windows, fanlights, and other openings except chimneys. Further, I have arranged for a neighbour to keep not only one eye, but both eyes, on the security, my neighbour not being one-eyed .over ithis matter. It will also ho doubt interest you -to know-that arrangements : have been made for the cat and the canary to be fed by a neighbour, for the lawn to be mowed by none other than the said neighbour, and for any mail matter to be forwarded to' me. In addition, the shed will be securely padlocked, tho gas and electric light turned off at the mains, and, barring earthquakes, burglars, or any otheruntoward occurrences, I expect to find the house- still here on, my return." Yours faithfully, ■' ALFRED APPLESAUCE,