Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXVI, Issue 25, 29 July 1933, Page 17

Wit and Humour

. Mclnness: You tell me you found a fountain pen! Lucky mon. But why so glum"? ■ '■,■■■. ...",■ McGlusty: There is no ink in it.

The-school inspector was testing the class on general knowledgs. Slapping a half-crown on the desk, lie said sharply, "What's that?"

Instantly there was a voice from the back of the class, "Heads, sir!"

Tony: Could I change my name just for tomorrow?

Mother: Why? Tony is a nice name,

Tony: It is, but Dad said-he would give me the strap tomorrow aa sure as my name's Tony.

"Why do you smoko i£ you don't like it?"

"The wife's saving the cards t6 get a pianola."

Squire! John, you -were broughl home drunk' last night. How do people know ■where you live? -, ' Butler: -I' always carry'some of your visiting cards. , " '

The Boss (who lifts just dropped in to watch the football patch): So this is your uncle's funeral, Bob?

Office Boy (with -great presence o£ mind): Looks like it, sir. .He's';the referee. ' ...•■>'. V.:'

. The hotel guest was thoroughly annoyed. People were running backwards atii forWardsalong the corridor outside his room, making a terrible noise. So he took the telephone and spoke to the manager's office. , ■ . . ■

"I can't get to sleep with all this noise going on," he complained angrily. 'I'm sorry, sir," Replied an excited clerk, "but I'm afraid we. can't control the movements of the fire brigade."

With bowed shoulders,. Smith entered his house. His dragging feet shuffled their way through the liall and into the kitchen, where his wife-was'preparing the evening meal.

The smile faded from Mi's. Smith's face as she noted the woebegone appearance of her husband. - ■

"Thomas!" she cried

Slumping into a chair, Smith stared straight: ahead. "Tell me, darling," pleaded his wife. She came over to Thomas and lifted his chin in her hand. Smith moistened his lips with his tongue. "The worst," he said, dismally, "has happened." "No," cried Mrs. Smith, aghast. "Yes," said Thomas, "this, afternoon the chief called mo in'and gave me the business."

A 'man overbalanced and fell from the thirty-ninth Etory of a Bkysuraper. A parson, attracted by the crowd ia the street, heard\the tale of the accident, and said: "Well,'l hope tho poor fellow was prepared?" s "Oh -yeah, he was," said one 01 the crowd. "As lie passed the twenty-third story, where I work, I heard liim say: 'What a bump I'll get.' "

A second-hand dealer had five wooden figures. He put them together and called them "The Five Senses/

One was sold, so he named the four "The Four Seasons." Another was sold, so he called the three "The Three Graces." >'~',.\,! Another was sold, so he called the two "Adam aud Eve." Another was sold, so he called the remaining one "Deserted."

The captain of the local team was talking to the referee before the beginning of an important football match. "Rather noisy 'spectators, don t you think?" asked the referee, who was a }..rvous little man. "Splendid view, though," replied the captain. "Hospital in the north nursing home in the west, cemetery in the east, and a duckpbnd in the south," and what s more," he went on deliberately, "we've never once lost- a, home game."

The farmer was busy sowiDjr a crop of barley in a small paddock on the top of a very stony'hill when a traveller1' came along. ' . "You won't get much of a crop of wlieal there/I'm afraid," he Remarked, by way of opening up a conversation. "I don't expect to," came th» reply. "I'm sowing barley."

Stranger: Could you tell me the time? Boy: 'Aff-past. . . Stranger: Half-past what? Boy: Dunno. My watch 'as lost its hour 'and.

"Dad, I want a shilling to. give to a poor crippled Jiiaii.'' "You're a good boy. Here it is. Where is the cripple?" "He's selling tickets, for the circus around the^ corner." . ' ■

Mother (to son), who has narrowly escaped being run over by a car): Thank goodness you are safe; but wait till I get you home—l'll break your neck.

Proud Mother (to village 'butcher): Don't you think my baby is a beauty, Mr. Jones? He is only a month old, and weighs. fourteen pounds. ■ Mr. Jones (after a. critical inspection of the child): With or without bones?

, Temporary Postman (returning with parcel): I've been from end to end of the road and there's no house-called "Fragile."

Work on the highway was temporarily suspended whilst the navvies. engaged in wordy warfare.. '■Well," I says, " 'at it's wi' using mi 1 brains ats got mo ta be what I am tatiajv" spoke up Tom, trying to impress the others;

"Aye, Tom, lad," ariswered Bill, who tip to now had been silent. "Ah expected that to say summit like that—a bad workman alluss does blame 'is tools."

"What dae ye think o' oof new liieeuister?" asked One Scot of another. "What is he like?" . - .!"'

"Well, he's like-this," was the reply. "The other mornin' lie met me, and said, 'Come awa' in, Mr. Macpherson, and htv'e, a drap.' I went intae his hoose, and he brocht oot. a hale bottle o' whuskey, opened it wi' a corkscrew—an' flung the cork in the fire! That's what he's like!"

Clerk: How did you get on with the governor about a ribe. Oflicc Boy: Oh, he was like a lamb. -What did lie say?" , "Bua!" '

In Glasgow a woman was travelling in a tranicar with a baby who persisted in crying as though his little heart would break. , "Hush, laddie!" the mother murmured gently only With difficulty restraining iiet irritation at the audible and unflattering comments of the Other passengers; Soon the car reached Georges Cross, and the conductor called out the name o£ the place: "George's Cross! Georges Then the mother's anger bubbled over, and she sprang up excitedly. "Of course, George's cross! (ilic cried. "And so would you be if you were cutting your back, teeth!"

Mrs. Ncwlywed angrily demanded satisfaction from the grocer. "That flour you sent me yesterday was fearfully tougn. 1 made gome cakes with it and my husband could hardly get his teeth into them.

He pointed out a mining magnate to his companion. "See that man? Ho made a lot of money out of lead." , '. "Yes. I did once, too—and got two years' hard labour for it." . . .-_.

Murphy: Civil" take the. wireless' next door. ■ This is the'first toime Oi.ve heavd it that.it hasn't been going. . • ~ Mrs M.: Sure, it's annoying. When it's going it gives mo 11 headache, and whfli it's not Oi get another listening to it to i'oind out whether it s stopped or not. '■'■:.

The other day Biwn came on an old-age pensioner friend of his burning off a patch of bush. . . Now, he lives in a humpy on the opposite side of the river to the spot where he had started his fire, bo he couldn t be burning a fire-break. *'Goiug to start a new- garden.' iie aS>"No\ I hadn't thought of .that," sifted out through his ..whiskers. '•Well, what'*'the idea? Want to discourage the picnickers, or are you just having a nice warm up?" . • "''So," he bleated. "Y'see, I've had hayfever .pretty badly lately, so I borrowed a home-medicine-guide. It says the only sure cure is to keep away from the hay. Well I don't want to'leave here if I can help it, so I thought the next best thing'd be to keep the hay away from me."

MAKING UP FOR IT. Murphy was an efficient workman, but he had one drawback—he was a bad timekeeper. One day the manager bad to talk severely to hini about it. At stopping time that night Murphy was the .first man oufc-Of the gate. • "Hallo!" shouted the manager, "you're pretty sharp tonight, aren't you?" "Well, sorr," retorted Murphy, "ye wouldn't have me late twice in one day, would- 'ye?" COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. Hotel Guest: Do you know if the charges here1 are reduced if one stays by the -week? . Hotel Porter: Couldn't tell ;you,, sir. Nobody's ever stayed a -week! HE WOULDN'T OBJECT. $he: And you won't be one of these husbands -who raise objections every time their wives want anything? He: Rather not, darling. I'll let you want anything, you like, Of course! MORE THE MERRIER! The pretty, romantic daughter had dragged her stout, t red-faced father into the country for a picnic. "L"ok, dad!" she exclaimed ecstatically. "1(5 there a prettier sight in the whole World than sweet lambs gambolling in a field?" And father, a prosperous bookmaker, replied: "Emily, you've said it! And the more , lambs that gamble the better, says I!" NON-SUITED, Young Man (to jeweller); Will you take back this engagement ring? j Jeweller: Doesn't it suit? . Young Man: Yes—but I don't. LET DOWN. v A famous parachutist, purple with rage, strode into the stores and confronted the manager. "I demand my money back!" he thundered. "Your goods are rotten. Yesterday I bought a parachute from this store, and when I jumped from ten thousand feet the thing never opened." HIS WORRY. '"I never worry," said the cheery man. 'I pay a man five" pounds a week to Worry for inc." » '"That's all right," said his dismal companion, "but I certainly could not afford to engage such a man." '.'Neither can I," came the response. You see, his first' worry is getting his fiver." Most of the youths of the neighbourhood attended the charity bazaar, and one by one they drifted to a stall where > tiny grey kid glove reposed on a 6atin cushion. Attached to the cushion was A notice which ran:—. "At 7.30 this evening the owner .of this glove will be pleased to kiss any person whoi bought a sixpenny ticket beforehand." Tickets were bought by the score, and at 7.30 a long row of. young men had assembled outside the stall. ' Then, punctual io the minute, old Torn Poison, the local pork butcher, who is almost as beautiful as a side of bacou, stepped to the front of the stall. "Now, gents," he said, "this 'ere glove belongs to me. I bought it this morning. I m ready for you. Come on! Don't be bashful! One at a time." A.billiards marker-was informed by his employer that he would have to be more careful in the matter of chalk. "Can't help it, sir/'ieplied the innfker. I know the men wiio pocket,the eh«lk; but they're regular customers, and you wouldn't want me to offend them, would you, sir?" v. • ... ". •• -^, "No," was tbe reply; "but .you'eould , give them a gentle, hint,"you* know." The marker promised to do~«o, and a r fewdays later, observing a player pocket i a piece of chalk, he approached the cul- | prit and remarked: "You'll excuse me, sir, but are you connected in any Way with - the milk trade?" .',

"Well, as a matter of iact,M am," came the reply. "What of it?"

"I thought so," rejoined the marker, "by the amount of chalk you oarry away. My boss likes enterprise, and he told me to give you a hint that if you" wiftted a bucket of water now *nd again, you"could have one with pleasure."

An eccentrically-dressed old lady boarded a bus near Trafalgar Square. She seemed fussed and anxious. "Tell me," she said to a smart messenger boy-who was just leaving the bus, "ami right for thr> Museum?" , He quickly looked her up aDd down, »nd replied, "Yes, mum, I think you'll do,"

Fortune-teller: There is a .great disappointment coming to someone near you. Client: Er-yes; you're right. I've left my money at homo and I can't pay you.

Pat went into a barber's shop for a shave. The razor slipped and cut Pat's cheek. The barber stuck a piece of paper on the cut. When the barber was finished Pat handed him a shilling. "That's too. much," said the barber. "No," said Pat. "You are worth it, begorrah. You are a barber, a butcher, and a paperhanger."

Mrs. Pecker looked up as the clock on the mantelpiece struck ten. Presently there came the sound of a" key being turned in a lock, and a little while liter her husband entered the room. She gazed fixedly at him.

"And where have you been all the evening?" she asked. He fhrugged his shoulders wearily. "At the office, my dear," he replied. She laughed hollowly. "How really interesting," she snapped, "You must be made of asbestos." Pecker started. :

"Whatever do you mean?" he inquired. "The police rang up just now to say that your office had been burnt down twohours ago," she told him bitingly.

Teacher: Twopence! Why, do you hand me that with your sums? Bank Clerk's Son: Please, sir, I couldn't do the sum correctly, so I've nrtde it up' with my pocket money.-

Employer: I advertised for a strong office boy. Do you think you possess that qualification? Boy: Rather, sir. . I had to knock several other chaps .down the gtairg to get here first!

Jack: I was troubled with rheumatism in school tqday.

Father: Surely that's most unlikely in a healthy lad. like you. Jack: I don't mean I had it. : I had to spell it. _ ,

Burglar: One move and you're dead We're looking for money. Jones: What! Money? Wait a minute and I'll search with you.

Mother: Donnie's go sick. Hadn't tt« better send for the doctor? ,

Father: He's been siclc before and got over it. • • . . • - Mother: Yes; but never before on a Saturday, . .

Mary (rushing In): Quick! The house is on fire!' ■ Mistress, (who was knitting): I wish you wouldn't rush in like that. You niado me' drop a stitch.

Practical Father: I've given you a good collece education. .What more do you want? .'■'..■ Sou: You haven't yet supplied me with the means to live up to it.

"I want something itriking for a wedding present," said the male shopper. "ITes, sir," remarked the shop-walker. "The clock department is on the fourth floor." .

"How many controls ate there on your wireless set?" "Three—my mother-in-law, my wife, and my daughter."

"And what is your husband's average in .ime?" asked the official. "Well, it'a usually between midnight and 1 a.m."

Young man: Why do you keep a parOld Man: Because I like to hear it talk. The parrot is the only.creature gifted with the power of speech that is content to repeat just what it hears without trying to make a long story of it.

Gert: Why do you i^vant to go to the f»ney drew bull slone? ; t Bert: I must—lm going «!.• divorced husband,