Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CVI, Issue 11, 14 July 1928, Page 21

Wit and Humour

"That man cheats," said a golfer, as he entered the clubhouse. "Hs lost Lis ball in the rough and played another ball without losing a stroke." "How do you know he didn't find his ball?" asked a friend. "Because I've got it in my pocket." Father (at 1 a.m.]: Is that young man asleep, Helen? Daughter: Hush, father! Hef has just asked me to mai'ry him and make him the happiest man on earth. Father: Just as I thought. Wake him up. ■ • ' . • | The thearical manager having absconded, j some of the actors were forced to sleep on the stage for the night. One of them woke up. exclaiming with a shiver, "It's beastly cold here, laddie." "No wonder,' 'answered his companion; "we're sleeping in a field. Hi! Stage manager! Lower an interior." . The baby was crying. Mother (in another room): What's the matter? Nurse: He want's a— — Mother: Never mind what he wants. Give it to him» In a few minutes the baby's cries grew louder. . Mother: Why don't you give him what he wants? Nurse: I did, mum. It was a wasp. Isaac was negotiating a loan from his brother Mo, who was, willing to make the advance, but demanded 9 per cent, interest. •■ .. ' ''.'■■'. ' : "Well," said Isaac, "I ain't complainin', you understand, but what'll our poor dead father say when he looks down and sees you taking 9 per cent, from his own flesh and blood." - ; "Don't worry about that," replied Mo. "From where he is it'll look like 6 per cent." He was a kind-hearted old gentleman, and it upset him. to see the poor little chap crying. . . . . -.' : "What's the matter, my little man?" he asked sympathetically. "I'm lost, boo-hoo!" "Lost? Nonense. You mustn't give up hope so soon. Where do you live?" "Don't know," whined the youngster. "W-we've just moved, and I c-can't remember the address." "Well, what's your name?" "D'don't know?" "Don't know?" "No," sobbed the boy. "M-mother got married again this morning." "The evening wore: on," continued the man who was telling-the story. "Excuse me,' 'interrupted the would-be wit, "but can you tell me what the evening wore on that occasion?" "I don't know that it is important," replied the story-teller, quite unperturbed. "If you must know, however, I believe it was the close of a perfect spring day." Mr. Jones rang the bell at the new doctor's house. Usually he went to his old family doctor, but the new man happened to live nearer and it was an urgent call. The doctor's wife answered the ring. "You wish to see the dactor?" she said. "Couldn't you come to-morrow morning?" "Why," said .Jones, "isn't the doctor in?" "Oh, yes, he's in,"- said the woman wistfully, "but you're his first patient, and I'd like you to come as a surprise lor him tomorrow. You bee, it's his birthday." The commercial traveller was explaining why he insisted on smoking a certain brand of cheap cigarettes. "You see, when I collect 5000 of these coupons I get a grant piano." One of the company promptly replied, "My dear chap, if you smoke 0000 packets of those things you'll want a harp!' Everyone laughed except a Scotsman, and about ten minutes afterwards he remarked: "Aye, it wad be awkward traivcllin' wi' a graund piano."