Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CIV, Issue 68, 17 September 1927, Page 21

Wit and Humour

. City Boy: What's the cow eating! banner: Corn, of course. City Boy: Oh, I've always wondered now they make corn beef. Teacher: Explain the meaning of "income tax." Jimmy: I had a little dog and I named nun lax. I opened the door and income Auto Salesman: Madam, if you buy this C\F e- U put ydur initials on free. • >P; Saver: But my husband says it isnt the initial cost that counts, but the upkeep. ■ He: And why do you think I am such a poor judge of human nature? one: Because you have such a good opinion of yourself. Young lady (who has just sung for chanty): I never thought my voice would fill this large hall. Father: Neither did I, I thought it would empty it. . Magistrate: You are charged with striking the plaintiff and injuring her. Prisoner: I'm a respectable woman, your Honour, and I defy anyone to prove it. > Teacher: In what battle did General Wolfe, upon hearing of victory cry out, "I die happy." Class' Dunce: I think it was his last battle, teacher. "There, Harry, I have made you some of the oyster patties your mother said you were so fond of." "Thanks, dear, but she never cooked them in their shells." v "That's not the shells, silly; that's the crust." ' ■ • Mrs. G.: "Well, I'm no angel." Mr. G.: "No. But you're always harping on something." A Scotsman was missing three days: They found him at last on a Pay-As-You-Leave street car. A well-known New York riding school has gone into the hands of a receiver. Trade has been falling off for some time. One yacht owner has named his sloop after his wife, because she has to be painted and have new rigging all the time. Departing Guest (to manager): "Enjoyed ourselves? Oh yes! What I'm upset about is leaving your hotel so soon after I've bought it." "You were always a fault-finder!" growled his wife. "Yes, dear," responded the husband. "I found you;" Mother: Johnny, there were two pieces of cake in the pantry and there is only one. How did that happen? . Johnny: Well, Ma, it was so dark in there that I couldn't see the other one. Eoad Builder: Have you been singing this morning, madam? Lady of the house: Yes, why do you ask? ■ • ' Road Builder: Well, mymen have knocked off twice already. They thought the 12 o'clock whistle was blowing. "Is Mabel dumb?" "Dumb! Why she's so dumb that she thinks holdup men are swimming instructors." "Oh, mother, I just saw' a mad dog jump over our back fence." "That was only your imagination, my son. "But, mother, has imagination got a tail?". r • "So you're lost, little, boy,' why don't you hold onto your mother's skirt?" "Cause I can't reach it." A man in an insane asylum sat dangling' a stick with a string attached to it over a flower bed. A visitor wishing to be f ndly remarked, "How many have you caught, my good man?" ' "You're the ninth," was the ready plyJohnny: I didn't bring an excuse for being absent Ma was too busy to write one. Teacher: Why didn't you ask your father? Johnny: He*B no good making excuses. Ma catches him every time and you're smarter than she is. Mrs. Jones: Are you in favour of clubs for women Mr. Johnson: Sure, clubs, sandbags weaponß of any sort that are handy. .Bob: Well, there's one comfort They Bay that at 40 a man is either a fool or a physician. § cf ty: -vrAntl are 3'ou a Physician?' Bob: No. Bcity: Oh. boyW Lady: HaVe you loßt yourself, little Jimmy: No, boo-boo, I never'lost myself, but I found a street I don't know! twv^^'-itu yo".sure that this century plan will bloom m a hundred years? bring™ tack y> madam- U * d°CSn't ' Mother (with her son across her knee)tail y °U t0 "c SaUCe pana t° * dog's At«tJ,But'xr m°t her ' St wasn>t our dog. Mother: No, butjtjras my eaucepan. T Mrs Binks: "This rheumatism ain't 'alf Played me up this week, Mrs™ Smith I Sr^i^^j^r'-d.anfit's oeofour^o^?^^--remS tufvisFtor:" 11"0 -^ has!" "Oh that isn't her real name," was the seaside for a fortnight." ■ "Look here," shouted the agitated cus tomer, rush.ng into the ■ chcS 6 , n >ou gave me strychnine instead of q «i u ! -?«**& n°U- «»»*™*. ba'gsT" y d° y°U al"'ayS SllUb Mrs- Money"Because I consider her'ignorant, ugly vulgar, ill-mannered, tactless, brainless presumptuous, interfering, and-—?' I see—you don't like her!" iJ^tZ^ ratoV- "wm you eive your Old Lady: "8.P." Operator: "B for beer?" TWH k. ady (indiSnantly)': "No; B for Salesman (showing customer cycling dou°lM: Surprisi"« Value, sir. Woi"h double the money. Latest. pattern, fast a S'yarnTo^ Q>tA^' "»<* "£ Customer "Yes, and very well told!" "What was the trouble at that house the complaint came from yesterday?" asked the manager of the gas works 'Nothing much," replied the inspector. 1 found a centipede in one of the pipes " Ah! an extra hundred feet. See that they're charged for that." "I can't imagine why Smith should be so angry with his son. The boy acted on instructions." ■ "In what way?" "His father advised him to go out and find an opening, and the next thing the youngster did was to write and tel] his father he was in.a hole." A professor, coming to one of his classes a little late, found an uncomplimentary caricature of himself drawn on the board, i ■Turning to the student nearest him, he inquired, angrily:— j "Do you know who is responsible for that atrocity?" i "No, sir, I don't," replied the student, but I .strongly suspect his parents."