Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXI, Issue 85, 10 April 1926, Page 21

Wit and Humour

Visitor —-What nice furniture. Little Roland —Yes, I think the man we bought it from is sorry.now lie sold it—he's always calling.

"Excuse me, but are you a relation, then, of Goldbags, the rubber king?" "Yes, I'm his cousin, some thousands of pounds removed."

"Mr. and Mrs. Brown seem rather unhappy lately^ I think there must be a rift in the lute somewhere." "Didn't even know they were musical."

. Marie^-Every time I have an argument with Gerald I make a note o£ at in my diary. Maisie—l see—you keep a scrap book." *■

"I woke up last night and found someon^ going through my pockets." "Did you shoot?" "No, do you think I want to be a widower?"

"How's the business going?" "Like clockwork." "Why, I heard you had failed." "So I have. They've just wound up the business."

He—Darling, if I give you such an expensive engagement ring we can't get married so soon. She—Never mind, dear, For your sake I can wait."

Charitable Lady to beggar)— Poor man, how miserable you look .Beggar (confidentially)—l wouldn't be much good at this job if I didn't.

Teacher —Gas is an invisible and intangible element; that is, it cannot be seen or felt. Johnny—That's funny. I often hear pa 'say ho stepped on it.

She —Now, my dearest, won't you buy me a new piano for a birthday' present? He—But, my darling, wouldn't it be a pjty to play your old pieces on a new piano?

"Mrs. Strutter was very insinuating when I showed her my new gown." "Why, what did she say, my dear?" "Not one word! And besides, the way she felt of it, too, you know."

First Chorus Girl: "And did he say he was rich?", Second Chorus Girl: "No, not even a hint about his financial standing." First Chorus Girl: "My, he must be awfully rich, my dear."

Golfer (about to drive):—"Fore!" Auctioneer Partner (absent-mindedly) "Any advance on four, gentlemen?"

"Jim, that necktie you are wearing is the worst I ever saw."

"Say, dine with us to-night, will you, old man ?"

"Sure! But what's the connection?" "I want you to repeat that remark before my wife."

A kind-hearted gentleman, hearing a dog howling mournfully, decided to investigate the animal's ailment. He found the dog sitting calmly upon his haunches but still emitting agonising yelps. "What ails your dog?," he asked the hound's owner.

"Oh, he's just lazy," returned the owner unconcernedly. "But laziness won't make a dog howl!" "No, but that dog is sitting on a thistle!"

Hostess: "I hope you'll dance to-night, Mr. Sniggle?"

Mr. Sniggle: "Oh, rathah! I hope,you don't think I came merely for pleasah!"

"It only takes me twenty minutes to get to my office," said Mr. Chuggins. "But you didn't arrive until an hour after you telephoned that you were leaving home.

"Yes, it took me the other forty' minutes to get the car started."

"Did you like the 'Lady of the Lake?'" asked the librarian.

"Perfectly lovely!" came the reply of the girl who said she liked reading Sir Walter Scott. "I have read it four times. And 'Marmion,' and 'Pevril of the Peak.' I simply dote on both." "And 'Scott's Emulsion?" he questioned, growing tired.

"Oh, I think that is the most wonderful thing Scott ever wrote!"

Teacher: "What, is a creditor?" Young pupil: "A man who must be told that my father is not at home.

He: "When should you consider a man to be of real importance?" She: "When he was equal to his own opinion of Jiimself."

Betunickler leaves his club with a troubled face. "What's the -matter?" asks a friend. "I've lost £50 ss!" , "By 1.0. U., I suppose?" "No. That's the worst of it. five shillings were ready money!"

' "I say, old |nan, what's good for my complaint?" asked a sufferer from insomnia. "I haven't closed my eyes foi five nights." "Go in for boxing," replied his friend. "The first time I tried it my eyes were closed for a week."

The motor-cycle cop at last pulled up, beside the speeder. "I've chased you for a mile," he bellowed, "to tell you that you were going sixty an hour." "Willikins!" remarked the offender mildly. "Bad news sure travels fast, don't it?"