Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CVII, Issue 61, 15 March 1924, Page 17

Wit and Humour

GILBERT REVISED.

[On reading a description of an apparently well-patronised golf school for lawyers at the back of a shop in Fetter lane, London. Xucio" bursts into. verse in the Manchester Guardian," as follows.] When I,; good friends, was called to the Bar, My knowledge of law was impressive, But with briefs aa 'Scare as they nowadays are My income was not excessive; My prospects, indeed, were uncommonly blue, J And I needed some sort of reviver So I drifted round for a lesson or two In the art of using a- driver. The' man I went to he opened his eyes ie ); hen he noted my style and movement, Compared, ' he said, " with the rest of you guys My lad, you re a great improvement, lour wrist work's neat and your swing's quite free; Now, consider the chance I offer lou come along daily round to me And I'll make you a first-class golfer." Of golf that man was a born high priest And tips galore he spouted, And every day my skill increased As the balls I biffed and cloutedHe taught me to lay my chip-shots'dead, ■My drives were distinctly classy, And' I never by any chance lifted my head When using an iron or brassie. I got so good I abandoned the law— Which I did without much misgiving, For a very diminutive chance I saw Of earning thereat a living. So now, with my law books on the shelf, I've chosen my new vocation, And I'm ready to teach you golf myself For a due consideration. Mother: Why did you drop that young1 man who took you to all the football games? Daughter: The football season's over. Dorothy: How long is it to my birthday? Mother: Not long, doar. ."Well, is it time for mo to begin to be a Rood girl?" Governess: How old is a person who was born in 1394? Modern Child: Man or woman. Johnny: Pa, what is hell? Pa: The reriniform appendix of theology. 'Many doctors remove it entirely. ' Hotel Clerk (to visitor, paying his bill): One moment, Mr. Jones. This is a bad note. Mr. Jones: That's all right. I had a bad night. "That's a. tactful waitress. Yesterday she said to me aa I was leaving: 'Please remind me to-morrow that you didn't nay your bill to-day.' " "Are you the plumber?" asked the lady of the house. 'Yes, ma'am, I'm the plumber all right." "Well," she replied, "I just want to caution you to exercise care when doing your work. All my floors are highly polished and in perfect condition. "Oh, don't worry about me slippin'. lady ; I've got nails in me shoes." Professor: Tell about atoms. Student: Why— er—Adam was the first man! ' ; Professor' (to Biology class): Now these bacteria are largely very small though a' small number of them sometimes grow to be very large for their size. • .Crawford: Mrs. Snooper quarrelled ■with her husband about having a wireless; Crabshaw: He told her he was sure she could listen in all right without going to the expense of a radio set. "It asks no questions, but you have to answer it frequent." "What is it?" "A door bell." Teacher: Is there any connecting link between the animal and vegetable kingdom? Willie: Yes, ma'am. Hash. Mrs. Dorcas: Women are more clever than men. Dorcas: In some ways. At any rate, they used to broadcast things from the housetops long before we'd ever heard of the radio. Crawford: There's an old fellow with a lot of jack. Crabshaw: No wonder. He's a landlord, and makes it jacking up rents. Bobby: Is oxygen what the oxen breathe all day? Papa: Of course, and what most everything else breathes. Bobby: And is nitrogen what everyone breathes at night? THE MOCK TURTLE. Wrecked motorist at 'phone: Send as-" sistanee at once. I've turned turtle. Voice (from the other end): My dear sir. this is a garage. What you want is an aquarium. EASING TJP THE. JAR. As Rastus was led to the electrio chair an attendant asked him if he had a request to make. Well, boss, replied Rastus sadly. Ah knows I's goin' on a tough ride, and maybe I could use one of dese here sHb'ck absorbers! / THE SATURDAY EVENING GHOST. Father: At last I've found a way to make that young scamp of ours stop winking his eyes. Mother: How ? Father: I'll show him the article in this Science Magazine, where is says that every time we wink we give the eye a bath. WHY, OF COURSE. With all duo deference, my boy, I really think our English custom at the telephone is better than saying, Hello! as you do. What do you say in England? We say, Are you there? Then, of course, if you are not there, there is no use in going on with the conversation. HOME SWEET HOME. He had never told liis wife that he believed he could pajnt, and that he was actually engaged on a masterpiece. At length, when he had given the final touches to a blue and purple canvas, he called his wife in and sprang the great surprise upon }i<* She fixed upon the picture a long and steadfast gaze. He said: — "My dear, it only remains for you to suggest a title." "Why not call it 'Home'?" she said after a long look. "Home? Why?" "Because there's no place like 'it," she replied gently. A WEST AFRICAN LETTER. The following letter was recently received from West Africa by a British firm of publishers: "Your name has been admired to me by one of. my favourite comrades that you are one of the most manufacture here & tins dawned upon my heart with gladness I had wrote you about son.o list. But m order you failed. Why you done so. Even at all. You dont remember Our Lord or think about St. Matthew Chapter 7 verse 6 to reply to my ■letter.. Because you see that I am a black man therefore you disobey me Why you done so But I got nothing to say to you. But only my best charity to you & your company. God save us in "nl n v° d bless y°ur company too. Oh Dear how sweet is in the world &. when we meet, wo shall meet at Heaven: "Good morning too to you my Dear brother in the world. God save the King too." •'

AND THERE YOU ARE.

Gnbble and Son, wholesalers, sold, a bill of goods to J. B. West, a merchant at a little crossroads village in Missouri and when the goods arrived at the village Air West refused them. The wholesale firm prepared to institute suit for collection and wrote to the railroad agent at the village for information about the arrival of the merchandise, to the president of the ,bank for information concerning the financial standing of their customer, to the Mayor of the city asking him to recommend a good lawyer to handle their case, and to Mr. West, threatening>suit if he did not make payment at once. Mr. West answered: "I received the letter telling me I had better pay up. I am the railroad agent here, and also received the letter you wrote to the agent. I am president and sole owner of the local bank, and can assure you as to my financial standing. As the Mayor of the city I hesitate to refer you to a lawyer, since I am the only member of the bar of this vicinity. If I -was not pastor of the Methodist Church I would also tell you to go to ." REPROOF FROM-THE BENCH. First Lawyer: Your Honour, unfortunately, I am opposed by an unmitigated scoundrel. Second Lawyer: My learned friend is such a notorious liar . Judge (sharply): The counsel will kindly confino their remarks to such matters as are in dispute. THE NEW EDUCATION. A speaker at the annual meeting of the American Child Health Association would postpone all demands on the intellectual activity of children until they are eight or nine years old. But children nowadays have such a good timq" being educated without their suspecting it that it seems a shame to interfere with their play. UNANSWERABLE. Teacher: I wonder what your mother would say if she knew how backward you are in history? - Pupil: Oh, my mother 6ays she never learnt 'istory and she's married, and Aunt Mary says, she never lernt 'istry, and she's married, and you did learn 'istry and you ain't married. A FRIVOLOUS SET. . Granny dearly loved to read the morning newspaper, although it is very doubtful whether her failing eyesight could make out the printed words, and it is quite certain that she did not grasp their meaning, as this story shows. One morning, after breakfast, she took up her position in her favourite arm chair, and after a minute or. two was absorbed in the news. Presently she looked up over her glasses at her grandson; who was writing a letter. "These firemen must be a frivolous lot," she remarked severely. "What makes you think that, Granny?" <<?? c other> pausing in his writing. Because." said the old lady, "it says here that after the fire was under control at the soap factory the firemen played oh the rums all night." ■ OBSCURE. A certain painter, says the "Art Reooid, has lost his mind and has to be he sa^s-—" "" asylum- To his visitors p /^°° k at this; it is my latest masterThey look and see nothing but an expanse of bare canvas. They ask, "-What does, that represent?" "That ? Why that represents the pasSea" Israelites through the Red ||Beg pardon, but where is the sea?" It has been driven back" And where are the Israelites?"' xhey have crossed, over." <( And the Egyptians?" They will bo here directly. That's un^eVoLr" 6112 * like-simple aDd WHY WORRY. . A Jew who had borrowed money from a friend used to walk up and down his bedroom night after night till he nearly drove his wife crazy, i After he had been at it for about a week she said to him: "Moses, vy do you valk up and down de room all de night?" He said: T valk up and down de room Kebecca, because I am so vorried -I' owe Isaacs ten pounds, and I cannot pay "Veil," 'said his wife, "if I vos you I should go back to bed and let Isaacs valk uP, an.d aown his room. It's his. vorry, CHANGED DAYS. f A well-known doctor worked so zealously at Ins profession that at length he fell ill himself. Absolute rest was ordered. "Well, old fellow,' said a friend to him one day, you that were once so active now do you pass the time now?" In my library in the middle of my books," was the reply. "Still concerned in all that relates to medicine, I suppose?" interrogated the friend. "Yes," answered the physician, smiling"but now I only kill time." VERY UPSETTING. The usual crowd of small boys was gathered about the entrance of a circus tent, jostling and trying to get a view of the interior. A man standing near watched them for a few moments, then walking up to the ticket taker ho said, with an air of authority, "Let all these boys in and count them as they pass." sThe ticket-taker did as requested, and when the last one had gone in he turned and said, "Twenty-eight, sir!" "Good!" said the man smiling, as he walked away. "I thought I guessed right! 1 CERTAINLY. . A young woman, travelling alone, and unused to the ways of the world, had left her horn© on a Taumarunui train to visit a friend in Taumarunui. It had been a tiring journey, and just before, reaching Taumarunui she had fallen asleep. Waking up, she turned to an old gentleman on the ■ seat beside her and said : ''Will you please tell me if we are on this side of Taumarunui or the other side?" "We are on this side," he said. • And she settled down again entirely satisfied. HE GOT THE JOB. A business man directed one- of his clerks to hang out a sign "Boy Wanted." Five minutes later a red-headed youngster appeared in the office with the sign under his arm. , "Mister," he demanded, "did you hang this out?" "I did," was the stern reply. "Why did you tear it down?" The boy gazed in wonder at the man. "Why," he replied, "I'm the boy." AN HISTORIC SPOT. A lady carrying a little dog in her arms was riding in a bus that went along Park lane. All the way up she worried the conductor to know whether they had come J° N°,Vu —' , mentioi»n S & house at the top. When they reached the number the conductor stopped the bus, thinking the lady wished to alight there. Instead of doing this, however, she went to the door of the bus, and, holding up the dog, said '■'Look, Fido, that's where your mother was born!" A NEW DEFINITION. The teacher was giving the class a lesson in geography when they came across the word "desert," which one small boy could not understand. ,The teacher explained that it was a bar ren place—a place 'where nothing could grow—and feeling sure that she hud solved I the difficulty, she asked him to explain tho moaning. Promptly came the answer, "Ma favtier's bald head."