ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXIX, Issue 113, 14 May 1910, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

♦ IN THE IS'EAR FUTUBE. Father's in his airship Gone to spend the day, Looking' after loans and bonds In Europe, o'er the way. Mother, who likes comfort, And does not care to roam, Is shopping via. wireless, In Paris, at her home. Brother, who in deep seas 'Has a coral grove, Ib going in his submarine Among his crops to rove. Uncle, in the navy, Who' 8 left his ship a span, Is shooting through, pneumatic tubes To join her in Japan. Sister, who's a, suffragette, Has worked reforms so rare That even the ward meetings They open now with prayer. And when, tired by their labours, She'd body rest and eoul, She goes to spend for pleasuro A week end at the pole, Detroit Free Press. A RIDDLE. She had a diary, all bound In leather red, Designed for keoping till its oouree A year had sped. She had a secret rich and rare» Tola by a friend, Designed foi keeping tight until The world should end. She had » gold piece round and bright, A nest-egg planned, Dtsigred foi keeping till it grew A fortune grand. CorxPtning all into our mind This riricUe crept : Which of the three do you suppose She longest kept? New York Sun. WHAT HE LOOKED s LIKE. William had just returned- from college, resplendent in pegtop trousers, silk hosier, a fancy waistcoat, and a necktie ,that epoke for itself. • He- entered 1 the library where his father was reading. The old gentleman looked up -and surveyed his son. The longer he looked the more disgusted h© became. _"Son," he finally blurted out, "you look like a fool !" Later, the old major who lived next door came in and greeted' the boy heartily. "William," he said, with undisguised admiration, "you look exactly like your father twenty years ago when he came back from school !" "Yes," replied William with a smile— "so father wa3 just telling me." UNEXPECTED GRATITUDE. She was the lady of his choice and ha took no pains to conceal it. "I'll bet you don't know .what day to-morrow is," 6ho announced suddenly. "Why, Tuesday, of course," he answered in a puzzled tone. "Oh, I don't mean that kind of day. I knew you didn't know." "I don't know. What do you mean?" he replied helplessly. "Well. I guess I'll have to tell you." She- pretended 6he was hurt. "It will be my birthday." "Congratulations, Alice. Congratulations," he exclaimed enthusiastically. "And how old may- — " "That's for you to find out," eha answered, laughing. "Well, I bet I know." "You do?" "Yes, and I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll send you a rose tor every year of your life. How will that do?" At the florist's he found the assistant unoccupied. "Send Miss. Casey eighteen of your best roses to-morrow morning. You know the address. Eighteen. Your best. Understand?" The boy understood. Half an hour later the proprietor was looking over the order book. "What did Mr. Graham order to-day?" "Eighteen roses, sir," answered Willie. "Eighteen? He's a pretty good customer. Throw in a dozen more." UNEXPECTED. "We will suppose," said a teacher to a small pupil, "that your father decided to have a day's holiday and visit the seaside. What would he have to do before he could take his seat in the train?" Without a moment's thought the youngster replied, "Pawn his tools!" A GREAT INVENTION. ' The men in the Pullman smoker were arguing as to who was the greatest inventor. One said Stephenson, who invented the locomotive and made fast travel possible. _ Another declared it was the man who invented the compass, which enabled men to navigate the seas. Another contended for Edison. Still another for the Wrights. Finally one of them turned to a little man who had remained eilent: "Whom do you think?" "Veil," he said, with a hopeful smile, "the man who invented interest was no 610u0h." THE ETERNAL FEMININE He had just declared that a woman I could not keep a secret, opposing a statement. "Oh, I don't know," contradicted the fluttery lady. "I've kept my age secret ever since I was twenty-four." "Yes," he replied, "but one of these days you will give it away. In time you will just simply have to tell it." "Well," she replied, with confidence, "I think that when a woman has kept a secret for twenty years she comes pretty near knowing how to keep it." TRUE COURTESY. Thackeray, desirous to enter Parliament, stood for Oxford, thinking he might win the seat from Lord Monck, who then represented it Meeting his opponent in tho street one day, Thackeray shook hands with him, had a little talk over the situation, and took leave of him with the quotation, "May the best man win!" "I hope not," said Lord Monck very cor-, dially, with a pleasant little bow. "SHADY." An hotelkeeper near New York City is a Frenchman, and hia family know little more about English than, he does. His suburban hotel stands in the centre of a square filled with large trees. When the proprietor wanted to call attention to this advantage he put on his cards, "The most shady hotel around Now York." The reputation of the placed, ip beyond reproach, and the proprietor doe's" not know yet why so many persons smile when they read the line quoted. "She wants to be a sister to me." "You easily get her out of that notion." "How?" "Treat her as you would a sister. H e ~ My income is five thousand dollars, i She- -How much more than that do you think it will be safe for us to spend? _ "How much does it cost to get married?" asked the eager youth. "That deponds entirely on how long you live," replied the sad-looking man. Top (who has dined off hash mutton)— Bill, waiter. Waiter— What did you have, sir?. Top (sarcastically)— l haven't the faintest idea. "Well, hero I am," announced the fashionable physician in his breezy way. "And now what do you think is the matter with you?" "Doctor, I hardly know," murmured the fashionable patient. "What is new?" Doctor — Johnny, I 6ee the pills I gave you have made you well again. How did you take them — with water or with cake? Small Johnny — I used them in my popgun to shoot at the cat. Hubby — I'm really quite proud of you. You've actually saved some money out of your allowance. Wife — Yes. It was co simple ! I wish I. had thought before to have things charged.