ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXIV, Issue 18, 20 July 1907, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

«i» OUR NEW DOMINION. Said Father Deeds to Little Thoughts, | As they wandered hand 1 in hand, Admiring all the beauties of This sunny southern land : " I want you now to bear in mind, And that continually, That t'lio is a Domnion pow, . Not a stupid Colony." Ho also spoke of other things — The price of bread and wheat; Of the rise in leather duty, Tor so many folks have feet. But of all tho things he talked about, Most pleased he seemed to be That this is a Dominion now, Not a silly Colony. Said Little Thoughts to Father Deeds: " I think you're awfully nice, And you settle knotty problems In a manner so concise., I wish that where tho difference lies, You would explain to me, Between this new Dominion And our late Colony." Said Father Deeds to Little Thought! : "How can you be so dense? Tho matter is as plain can bo To any one with senso. Tho difference between tiie two Is really quite immense. I wish you to remember, too, The credit's due to me That this 13 a Dominion new, Not a useless Colony." Hastings. — M.K. TO A TELEPHONE GIRL. But though I listen to thy voi-hoi-hpice 'Ihy laco I ncwr see. — Old Ballad. Girl of the ever-varying voice — Now cheerful as a blackbird's song, Bidding the wakened world rejoice r / In summer sunshine, hot and strong, • And now a very Fury's yell - -■ ' That, hearing, I have inly raged, Knowing of old — alas, too. well — It means, to all my pleas: Engaged! Who are you, pray? Do you and I In tubes or 'buses ever meet, Or pass each other idly by As total strangers in the street? Or aro you composite, and not A madd of curious moods that run From heavenly sweet to — you know what, But several girls who speak as one? A piquant problem! But to-day, When messages not mine I get, Whilst all my own you send astray ; Making confusion wilderj'Cf, My interest turns to passion faßt| Until I simpljj longed to view Your face, O fair unknown, at last, And tell you— what ,1 think of you. —Punch. A SOG OF SPRIG. Sprig is cobig, well I dow ; Balby breezes tell be so ; Sood the buds will gladly swell, Ad tho birds their love will tell Whero the bradches gedtly swayBerry sprig is od the way. Dowd 'the furrows od tho hills Rud tho Eparklig little rills That bake rivers of the creeks, Ad I . hear the hanpy shrieks Of sweet baideds skippig ropeAll the world is full of hope. Od us oill sprig cleanig sweeps, There is rubbish piled id heaps; Od tho lides tho rugs are hug, f?ogs oi sprig are boig Eug ; Ah, by dose, 'tis cribsod-hucd ! — Ycr, I took theb off too sood. )Iccor<]-Hera!d (Chicago). THE EDITOR 7 !? TURKEY. ('When J" was city editor of tho 'Virginia City Enterprise.' " temarked Mark Twail. at «* dinner v Wow York, "a fine turkey was one day left at tha office. Turkeys werp rare in that high oltitude, and W3 ol' hankered after this bird. The editor '.hough claimed It. He took it home and j.ad it oooked tor dinner. Ths aext day as he was expatiating on the turkey's richness a letter was handed io him. 1e opened H.and read: — 'Mr Editoj Sir,- Yesferdaj T sent you a turkey <?hich lias beep the cause of much diopute among us To settle a bet, will j'ou-^indlj -ask- your t agricultural edit©' to stat/» ,ji to-mor-row's issue what. h.p died o fv " <■■'' JUVENILE NOTIONS OF A MAYOR. The Mayor of Bath ' lately/ visited one of the Batb 6cliools, and id anticipation of the visit the headmaster shougnt the opinions 'of some of the emal' children as to what is mear to be a Mayor. Here jre some of the replies — The Mayor is the chief mat: "-ho tells the town what to do. Ho is the head man ovei Bath. , H& is the man who gives out the prizes at schools. He is >i gentleman who holds meetings. He is one who sees if all the places are kept tidy. Ho is the man who keeps the city m good ordei'. He is the man who governs Bath for tho King.

He is master of the town. "the Mayor is a man who wears robes. He is a man who helps the King. Ho is tHe man who ■ gives you the birch. The Mayor is a man with a lot of money. HioJrs — I dropped around to ccc the Fitz Kloses in their flat last night, but I couldn't get in. Wicks — Not at home, I couldn't get in. Wicks — Not at home, that was the trouble. , "Whereabouts was Sam Simpson's son hurt, doctor?" "He was injured in the lumbar region." "I want to know ! Tree fell on 'im, I s'pote !" The attendant in. the dentist's office approached _the man 'with the swollen jaw who had just entered. "Do you want to have a tooth extracted?" she enquired. "'Want to!" he snorted. "Want to! What do you think I am, a lunatic? I've got to." ' "Sold your automobile, eh?"-cxclaim-cd Wyes. "Whnt was tile trouble?" "Couldn't control it,' explained Aeher. "When I ran fast it. took me to the .police court and when I ran slowly it didn't take mt anywhere.'' Colorado surgeons cut, a man cpsn and found a gold nugget in his appendix These .searchers (observes_ the Baltimore Sun)" will go anywhere in a mad rush for gold. Diogenes was busy repairing his humble dwelling. "Yes," said he, com"placently, 1 "a« a "general rule, I lead the simple Jife ; but occasionally I get out and hoop it up.." Visitor (to artist's young -wife) — Whatever were you two laughing over so just, now? Wife — Oh, it was such funMy husband painted and I cooked, and then we both guessed what the things were meant for. Magazine Editor— Your sonnet hns literary merit, but I can't ure it because it docs not conform to the established rules of sonnet writing. Ambitious Young Contributor—That is \ts chief merit, sir. It establishes a, new form for t**2 sonnet. Chicanelli, who had to leave on a journey before the end of a case begun against him by a neighbour, gave orders to .his lawyer to lot him know the result by telegraph. After several days he got the following telegram: "Right has triumphed." He at once telegraphed back: "Appeal immediately."

Maud (before the hyena's cage) : Hojv provoking! Here we've been twenty minutes, and tlia hyena haen't laughed once. Ella : Strange ; and he's been eyeing your new spring hat, too. Customer : What sort of a chicken do you call this? Waiter : That, eir, is I believe, a Plymouth Eock. Customer : All, I'm it has some historic interest. I thought it was just an ordinary cobbketono. "I am going to see four father about yon," said n. teacher to a boy who had 1 exhausted her patience. "If you do 1 you'll never come-back," "Why?" deriiandcd tho teacher. '"Cause pa's dead." "How do you undpretand the phrase', 'An impressionist picture?'" asked tHe counk-y cousin of a city critic a's they stood in the art gallery. ,"Wh,V, 'impressionist picture' is one that leaves on your mind the impression that it is the picture of a cow, and the impression lingers until you look at ths estalogue, and road that it is a picture Of a water- ?spaniel.".' ' „' ._, Willie (excitedly) : Oh, teacher V Tearhev (reprovingly) : Go to your saat, WiUio, sit do-nil quietly, hold up your hand and wait till I give you psrmission to spenk. (After an improssiva j pause). Well, Willie, what is it' ? WilI lie (despairingly) : 'Taip't no ue© to tell now 3 but Jimnjy Smith's dpg's ' chevying up tho bird on your new hat.