ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXIII, Issue 129, 1 June 1907, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

I ETHEL'S WATERLOO. i Etiicl lived in Boston — over been in Boston? Crooked little cily, with a lofty mental air ; Cluisio. intellectual — therefore I expect you all To show a just astonishment at hearing of her there. Ethel captured Willy, got him good and sill) , Used a little trick or two (Ethel's eyes were brown), Broko his heart in pieces — here the chapter cca-es — Will left town. Ethel moved to Brooklyn — ever been in Brooklyn? Peaceful little city, you have heard of it before ; Flat, and rather pretty; quite a charming citj — Half a- dozen millionaires, and clever men galore. Ethel met a man, his namo was Bob M'&nm, She flattered him and worked him, in a, stunning Paris gown. Bob M'Cann proposed. Now tho story's closed — Bob loft town. Ethel in Chicago — ever seen Chicago? It's windy as they say it is ; bustle, dollars, noise ! Wheat waa going higher, Ethel look a flyor, Ethel got to going with a crowd of speedy boys. Jimmy often called on her, but his visits palled on her ; He actually raved about her, getting but her frown ! When ho gavo hor trouble, Ethel pricked tho bubble — Jim lpft town. Ethel went to FriEco — over lived in Frisco? A week of it is cquail to a decade in tho East! Full of zip and fcramblo, all the people gamble ; Everybody's rather gay, or say they aro at least. Ethel mot a brokor (a Mr. Smith) at poker ; Ho went dotty like tho rest, till Ethel turned him down. Heaivens! what a scene with him — she was rather mean with him! — Smith left town. Ethel in New Orleans — sultry placo, New Orloane, (Accent on tho "Or," you know, the ' way they say it thero). On tho Creole galleries men with paltry salaries Lovo and flirt tho summer through, and no ono seems to carp. Ethel met a. doctor, but his ardour shocked her, | Ho said ho had to havo her, or he'd go away and drown ; When ho got too fervent, Ethol called a tervaut— "Doc" loft town. Ethol in New York — 'courso you know Now ! j Touse, excited atmosphere, elevated trains, Everybody flurried, everybody hurried, Litcraturo and business, pulchritudo and brains. Etiicl met a poet — liow the two did go it! He wrote her vague verses, and he acted like a clown. Then, like all the others of her new-mado lovers, Poet left town. j Ethel's back in Boston — dear old quiet BoElon! ! Quieter than over, now that Ethel's thirty-five ! Ethel's life was checkered, but sho broko her record When, r.t last, she mot "tho very dearest man alive.'" All her arts and graces wero put through all their paces ; But, alas! for Ethol now was quoen without a crown ! He, alone- of all of them, simply wouldn't follow thorn — Ethol loft town! — R. H. S. Whitney. — Tlio Show. AN ART DECOY. "What is your occupation here, young lady?" asked a visitor to an art gallery. "I am designated the Quiet Observer,' 1 leplied the girl. . . "How curious! What are your duties?" "Just these. When I see a group of intelligent people coming I take a seat before home picture that is for sale, and I look at it intently — absorbed, fascinated. My too-too-ut'teriy attitude attracts their attention, and they muke enquiries Thoy come back a second and third time, and then Excuse mo, please; some of them are coming now !" • "So, my dear madam, you will not consider for a moment Mr. foreman's wish to s,ec you to ask your daughter's hand?" "I will* not," answered Mis. Malaprop, ~ firmly. "And you may tell him this is my automaton."

Cholly (enthusiastically) — Sho is for ever smiling upun rae ! Shs — Awfully poiiLo gill ! Eveiy 01,0 u'n-c bughb out bht. After j-c-urs ot v.;,itiiig, a youug hrlv admirer of Kipling at last met Ilia man of the Plain Tales. "You!" slie cried, staring at the author. "You. you ,Lie Rudy.\rd Kipling!" Naturally Kipling felt embarrassed,. "Yes " he murmured niodctly. The lady continued to marvel. ."But 1 thought." bhe finally explained, "I thought you were — oh, liow shall I say it? — something quite uiii'erent!" "(Mi, I am," Kipling hastened to tell her in a very confidential tone, "I am, madam. Only, you face, this is my day off." One day Lady Ruthven had a letter asking for the character of her footman, John Smith, who was lea ring hev — if he '"were clever, honest, sobci - , a Christian, a recipient of the Holy Communion," etc. She answered: "If John Smith could ansv.cr to hilf your demands I should havo married him long ago." Mrs. Newlywed (to cook, whom she has engaged in registry office) — You ccc my husband is so very particular about hi" food. Cook (sympathetically) — They're all alike, mem. My old man was just the same. I never cooked nothink to ploaco him in my life !

A fee nnn was one day visiting a hi ncr>i -ihfo, and while strolling in t!i: ciimo across his little "boy, and, i~pi\ L-ins to him, sjid : — "Well, ray i-ic m:.n. how old aro you?" Tho child tui.v.cvid, "Five.' "And what jio you i;,img to be?" And the un-ex-pactccl i nly v.-as "Six." I\e\v Curate — Your husband is a confirmad i^vilid, v ho not? Mrs. Billyus jj — Coiifh'vd. sir? No, sir; he ain't •C'huich of England. , New Curate — I mem.- 1 ' j n permanent invalid? Mrs. Btl'yiiG — Permanent? Lor', no! Docj tor sn.M- ho can't last through the j winter. j A we!! 'mown preacher of New York I was appealing to the. peopl© to repose in then 1 pastors tho same degree ol trust with which they followed the advice of their lawyers and their doctors. "If," 113 is teported to havo said, "you get a pi cscrir>tion from your doctor, you take the medicine trustfully," adding — "Yours not to i-er.son why. Tours but to do and dio !" Theic aic some matter-of-fact people lin the vorld. Affairs of the grsatesi I moment to many aie to others merely in-cident-.'.1. Last week a Dunedin lndj ' posted this notice on the door of her 'shop: — "Gono to be married; back in ' half-an-hour."

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