ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXVIII, Issue 98, 22 October 1904, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

AN UNFORTUNATE INFLUENCE. 01' Mistuh Jones he low'd dat he Wius as sure of heaven as a man could be, An' he sniffed aroun' an' he put on airs, An' he wouldn' 'ten' to his own affairs, An' he acted in such a haughty way Dat de neighbors 'lowed dey wibhed he'd stay To home, instid of his braggin' aroun', Cause we couldn't all travel whah he was bound. But de very worst about Mistuh Jones Wif his braggin' in dem contemptuous tones, Was de way dat some of us went an* did. We got^so reckless we done back-slid, An' we had our doubte, as sure as fate, 'Bout geitin' in past de pearly gate. An' some of 'em said dat dey didn't much care If ol' Mistuh Jones was a-goin' there. — Washington Star. SHE WAS WRONG. How did she know his heart was hers? He spoke no word Of love to her. How did she know That when she passed or touched him — so — His pulse was stirred? How did she read his secret thoughts, And never err? How did she know her glances thrilled His soul? That all his heart was filled With love for her? One grand, sweet song How did she know their life would be? To tell the truth, she didn't know These things; she thought that they were so ; But she was wrong I DEFINED. While man has seven ages, Fair woman has but three — Her real one; what her friends think; And what she claims to be. MOTHER TO TEACHER. Here are a few specimens of letters from, mothers to teachers, which have found their way into print : — "Dear Miss Baker, — Please excuse Rachael for being away those two days. Her grandmother died, to please her mother." "Miss , Frank could not come those three weeks because he had amonia and information of the vowels " "Teacher, — John says you want to see me. I have a beer saloon and nine children. Biziness is good in morning and afternoon. How can I come?" "Miss ,, — Please let Willie come home at 2 o'clock. I take him out for a little pleasure to see his grandfather's grave. "

"Never mind," said the friend, soothingly, "you'll wake up some morning and find yourself famous.'* 7 "Not much 1" growled the pessimistic poet, "it would be just my luck to oversleep myself that morning." j Teacher: "The sentence, 'My father had money,' is in the past tense. Now, Mary, what tense would you be speaking in if you said, 'My father has money?'" Little Mary : "Oh, that would be pretense." "There's mighty few people," said Farmer Comtossel, "that knows what to do with a farm after they get one." "I have noticed that," answered the girl with frizzes ; ''they always insist on filling the whole place up with corn and oats and things, when they might have such lovely tennis courts and golf links. 1 ' Unreasonable. — Mrs. Jason: '1 am afraid you mix water with your milk!" Milkman: "Well, ma'am, you can't expect me to mix powdered sugar, cracked ice, and rum with it, for 7 cents a quart, can you?" An Experienced Worker. — Quickpen (a bookkeeper) : "Hello, Thompson, where are. you off to?" Thompson (a typist) : "I am going into the country for a month's holiday. • I have just been sacked by Closefist to make room for a lady typist at a smaller screw ; but I'll be back at the office in a month." Quickpen : "Think so ?" Thompson : "Sure of it. She'll marry him by that time, and after that she'll make him employ a man." Mrs. Gadabout: "Mrs. Plainer says she would not keep a girl who was better looking than herself." Mrs. Talkaboufc: "Well, that explains why she is always without one." Absent-minded Man.— -"Been in a fight?" asked the inquisitive person. "Not exactly," replied the absent-minded ( man. "While shaving myself this morn- " ing I tried to lather my face with the razor." Solved. — "Why do sailors get tattooed?" "Well, it's just like your wearin' them yachtin' togs — ain't no particklar reason except that other fools is doin' it." Hope Ahead. — He — "So your father and mother both object to me." She— "Yes; but don't worry. Papa and mamma never agree veiy long about anything." He — "Did you tell your father I was a poet?" She — "No; I didn't have the nerve. He has read your books."

Old at the Game. — "Stella; — "Have you learned to swim yet?" Ethel — "Not this season." "Madame, will you officiate at our church fair?" "Dear me ; I never did a disronest thing in my life." Positively Brutal. — ''My face is my fortune, sir," she said. "Well," he replied, "poverty is no disgrace, but it's awfully inconvenient at times." A young graduate in law, who had had' some experience in New York City, wrote to a prominent practitioner in Arkansas to enquire what chance there was in that, section for such a one as he described himself to be. He said : "I am a Republican in politics, and an honest young lawyer." The reply that came seemed encouraging in its interest : "If you are a Republican the game laws here will protect you, and if you are an honest lawyer you will have no competition." Miss Vane— "l know he was talking to you about me. Now, wasn't he?" Miss Speitz— "Well, yes." Miss Vane— "I thought I heard him remark that I had a thick head of hair." Miss Speitz— "Partly correct. He didn't mention your hair, however." Tommy (mysteriously)— "l shall have lots of cake this summer, all for myself." Mother— "Oh. Has aunty promised you some?" Tommy (with withering scorn) —"No; I've planted seedcake in the garden !"

Mrs. Oldwed — "My husband has given up card playing during Lent." Mrs. Justwed (not to be outdone) — "And mine has given up smoking those lovely cigars I bought him." "That automobile manufacturer did a proper thing." "What was it?' "He endowed a hospital." "Is Ethel a great charity worker?" "Dear me, yes 1 At that last charity ball she danced every dance and ate three suppers." Grant — "So Grimes lias been forced: into bankruptcy? How did it happen?" Gray — "A particular friend of his gave him ii tip about a. perfectly safe investment." Gladys — "She has named her auto after her ex-husband, the count!" Ethel— "And why?" Gladys— "Well ! It is very fast and usually broke." Monument Man — "What ehall I put on your husband's tombstone, madam?" Dejected Widow — "Oh, say that he was mj husband, and that he is happy now." A Floodtime Incident — Teacher — "Can you tell where the Mississippi River rises, Johnnie?" Johnnie — "Along its entira length, ma'am." "Is your son's collegiate education of any practical value?" "Oh, yes. I^'a cured his mother of bragging about him." ! Biggs — "Puffkins regards himself as the one man in a thousand." Diggs — "la that all? I thought he regarded himsel/ as the other 999."