Mr Dooley on the Comforts of Travel,

Evening Post, Volume LXVIII, Issue 98, 22 October 1904, Page 10

Mr Dooley on the Comforts of Travel,

D'ye know," said Mr. Hennessy, "ye can go fr'm Chicago to New York in twinty hours? It must be like flyin'." "It's something like flyin'," said Mr. Dooley, "but it's also like fallin' off a roof or bein' clubbed by a polisman." "It's wondherful how luxuryous mod. her thravel is," said Mr. Hennessy. „ ", Oll> , wondlierfl il»" eaid Mr. Dooley. "It's almost a dhream. Ye go to bed at night in Kansas (Jity an' ye ar-re still awake in Chicago in th' inornin'. Ye lave New York to-day an' nex' Thursdah ye ar-re in San Francisco an' can't get back. An 1 all th 1 time ye injye such comiorts an' iliganoea as wud mak the Shah iv Persha invious if he heerd iv thim. I haven't thravelled much since I hastily put four thousan' milea iv salt | wafcher an' smilin' land between me an' the constabulary, but I've always wanted to fly through space on wan iv thim palace cars with th' beautiful names. Th' man that names th' Pullman cars an' th' pa-aper collars iv this counthry is our greatest pote, whoiver he is. I cud see mysilf steppin' aboard a palace on wheels called Obulula or Onarka an' bem 1 fired fr'm wan Union deepo to another. So las' month whin a towny iv mine in Saint Looey asked me down there I determined to make th' plunge. With th' invitation come a fine consarvitive article be th' gin'ral , passenger agent indivrin', Hinnissy, to give a faint idee iv th' glories iv th' thrip. There was pitchers in this little pome showin' how th' thrain looked to th' passenger agent. Iligantly dhressed ladies an' gentlemen set in th' handsomely upholstered seats, or sthrolled through th' broad aisles. Pierpont Morgan was disclosed in a corner dicfcatin' a letther to Andhrew Carnaygie. In th' barber shop Jawn D. Rockefeller was bein' shaved. In th' smokin' car ye cud see a crowd iv jolly men pteyin' poker; near by sat three wags tellin' comic stories, while a naygur waither dashed to an' fro an' pushed mint juleps into th' fash'nable company. Says Ito meself : 'Here is life. They'll have to dhrag me from that rollin' home iv bliss feet foremost,' says I. An' I wint boundin' down to th' deepo. I slung four dollars ofe th' prisidint iv th' road when he had con-eluded some important business with his nails an' he slung back a yard iv green paper by which I surrindered me rights as an American citizen. With ,this here deed in me hand I wint through a line iv haughty gintlemen in unyform, an' wan aither another looked at th' ticket an' punched a hole in it. Whin I got to th' thrain th' last iv these gr-reat men says: 'Have ye got a ticket?' 'I had,' says I. 'This porous plasther was a ticket three minyits ago I' 'Get aboard,' says he, givin' me a short, friendly kick, an' in a minyit I found mysilf amid a scene iv Qryental eplendhor an' no place to put me gripsack. 'U shtud dhrinkin' in th' glories iv th' scene until a proud man who cud qualify on color f'r all his meals at th' White House come up an' ordhered me to bed. Fond as I am iv th' colored man, Hinnissy, I wud sometimes wish that th' summer styles in Pullman porters was more light an' airy. It is thru© that th' naygur porter is more durable an 1 doesn t show th' dirt, but on th' other hand, he shows th' heat more. 'Where,' says I, 'do I sleep V 'I don' know where ye sleep, cap.,' says he, 'but ye'er ticket reads f'r an upper berth.' 'I wud prefer a thrapeze,' says I, 'but if. yell call out the fire department, maybe they can help me in,' I s*ays. At that he projooced a s'-ailin' laddher an* th' thrain' gain' around a curve at that minyit, I soon found mesilf on me hands an' knees in wan iv th' coziest little upstairs rooms ye iver saw. He dhrew th' curtains] an' so will I. But some day whin I am down town I am goin' to dhrop in on me frind th' prisidint iv the Pullma- Company an' ask him to publish a few hints to th' wayfarer. I wud like to know how a gintleman can take off his clothes while settin 1 on thim. It wud help a good deal to know what to do with th* clothes whm ye have squirmed out iv thim. Ar-re they to be rolled up in a ball an' place 1 undher th' head or dhropped into th' aisle? Again, in th' mornin, how to get into th' clothes without throwin' th' thrnin off th' thrack? I will tcil ye confidentially, Hinnissy, thut not bein' a contortionist th' on'y thing 1 took off was me hat-. "Th' thrain sped on an' on. I cud not sleep. Th' luxury iv thravel kept me wide awake. Who wud coort slumber in such a cosy little bower? There were some that did it ; I heerd thim coortin'. But not I. I lay awake while we flew, or I might say, bumped, through space. It seemed hardly a minyit befure we were in Saint Looey. It seemed a year. On an' iver on we flew past forest, river, an 1 plain. Th' lights burned brightly jnst over me left ear, th' windows was open an' let in th' hoarse, exultant shriek iv th' looymotive, th' conversation iv th' baggage-man to th' heavy thrunk, th' bammy night air an* gr-reat purple clouds iv Illinye coal smoke. I took in enough iv this splendid product iv our prairie soil to qualify as a coal-yaid. Be th' time th' sun peeked, or I may say jumped, into me little roost, I wud've made a cheerful grate fire an 1 left a slight deposit iv r-red ashes. Th' mornin 1 came too soon. "What hasn't American ingenuity done f'r th' wurruld?- Here we were fairly flyin' through space or stoppin' f'r wather at Polo, Illinye, an' ye cud wash ye'ersilf as comfortably as ye cud in th hydrant back iv th' gas-house. There were three handsome wash-basins, wan piece in shy, evasive soap, an' towels galore — that is, almost enough to go round. In front iv each wash-basin was a delicately nurtured child iv luxury cleansin' himself an' th' surroundin' furniture at wan blow. Havin 1 injyed a very refreshing attimpt at a bath, I sauntered out into th' car. It looked almost like th' pitchers in th' pamphlet, or wud've if all th' boots had been removed. The scene was rendered more attractive be th' prisince iv th' fair sect. A oharmin' woman is always chnrmin', but never more co thin on a sleepin'-car in th' mornin' after a hard night's rest an' forty miles fr'm a ciirlin' ir'n. With their pretty faces .slightly sthreaked be the right iv way, their eyes dancin' with suppressed fury an' their hair almost straight, they make a pitcher that few can frget-^en* they're lucky.

But me eyes were not f'r thim. To tell ye th' truth, Hinnissy, I was hungry. I thought to find a place among th' coal in me f'r wan iv thim sumchous meals I had r-read about, an' I summoned th' black prince, who was foldm'' up th' beddin' with his teeth. 'I wud like a breakfast fr'm ye'er superbly equipped buffay,' says I. 'I got ye,' says he. 'Webd've canned lobster, canned' corned beef, canned tomatoes, canned asparygus, an' wether fresh fr'm th' company's own spring at th' Chicago wather-wurruks,' he says. 'Have ye annything to eat?' says I. 'Sind me th' cook,' I says. 'I'm th' cook;' says he, wipin' a pair iv shoes wit his sleeve. "What do ye do ye'er cookin' with?' says I. 'With a can, opener,' says he, givin' a hearty laugh. "An' so we whiled th' time away till Saint Looey was reached. O'Brien an* his wife nursed me back to life, I rayturned on th' canal-boat, an' here I am almost as well as befure I made me pleasure ja,unt. I'm not goin' to do it again. Let thim that will bask in their comforts. I stay at home. Whindver I feel th' deeire to fly through space, I throw four dollars out iv the window, put a cinder into me eye, an' go to bed on a shelf in th' closet. "I guess, Hinnissy, whin ye come to think iv it, they ain't army such thing as luxury in tbravel. We was meant to stay where we found oursilves first an' thravellin' is contrary to nature. I can go fr'm Chicago to New York- in twinty hours, but what's th' matter with Chicago? I can injye places betther be not goin' to thim. I think iv Italy as th' home iv th' Pope, but Hogan, who has been there, thinks iv it as th' home iv th' flea. I can see th' dome iv St. Pether's risin' against th' sky, but he can on'y see th' cabman that charged him eighty liars or thirty cents iv our money to carry him roundi th' block. I think iv New York as a place where people set shinin' their diamonds with satin napkins at th' Waldorf an' dhrinkin' champagne out iv gold coal-scuttles with Jawn W. Gates, but I know <ai man down there that dhrives a dhray. "They ain't annj' easy way iv tljravellin'. Our ancesthors didn't have army fast thrains, but they didn't want thim. They looked on a man thraveliin' as a man dead, an' so he is. ComfoK is in havin' things where ye can reach thim. A man is as comfortable on a camel as on a private car, an' a man who cud injye bouncin' over steel rails ait sixty miles an hour cud go to sleep on top iv a donkey injine. Th' good Lord didn't intind us to be gaddin' arount th' wurruld. Th' more we thry to do it, th' harder 'tis made fr us. A man is supposed to take his meals and his sleep m an attichood iv repose. It ain't nachral to begin on a biled egg at GfcJesburg an' end on it at Bloomington. We weren't expicted to spread a meal over two hundhred miles an' our snores over a thousand. If th' Lord had wanted San Francisco to be near New York he'd have put it there. Th' railroads haven't made it army nearer. It's still tin thousan' miles, or what iver it is, an' ye'd be more tired if ye reached it in wan day thin ye wud if ye did it in two months in a covered waggon an' stopped f'r sleep an' meals. Man was meant to stay where he is or walk. If Nature had intinded us to fly, she wud've fixed us with wings an' taught us to ate chicken food." "But th' railroads assist Nature," said Mr. Hennessy. "They do," said Mr. Dooley. "They make it hard to thravel."— F. P. Dunne, in M'Clure's Magazine.