Wit and Humour.

Evening Post, Volume XLVII, Issue 82, 7 April 1894, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

Fun's Reflections. — Londonors use an enormous quantity of gafc during the winter mouths; but that doesn't seem to worry them — anyhow, they make light of it. He certainly hod a nose, but it wasn't polite of his acquaintances to call the aged warrior a "bottle-scarred veteran." Real Appreciation. — First Enthusiast — "Isn't that lovely ?' ' Second Enthusiast — " Oh, simply heavenly !" First Enthusiast — "Divine!" Second Enthusiast — "Superb ! ' ' (Pause) . ' ' What's it supposed to be?" One day old John Grant of Grantstown got his grandson to read the Bible to him. The boy was not a very good reader, and when he came to a verse in Genesis, ' ' There were giants in those days," he read it "There were Grants in those days." The old man said, ' ' Bide a wee, Johnnie, and rax me down a stick, till I gang owre to Sandy Caramel (Campbell) and ask him where he stands noo. He says ' the CammelH are first mentioned in the Book o' Job, and that that patient man had some thousand* o' them;' but ye may be sure there were a gude wheen Grants, or they wadna be mentioned at a." Drill Sergoant (Dare and Do'em Bovh)— " Now, thin, Cassidy, what in th 1 f-i-r-s-t movement in ' 'bout face '?" Recruit — " When the command is given yez advance the roight fut three inches ter the rear " Bank Clerk — " No, madam ; I am sorry, but we can't cash that cheque. Your husband's account is overdrawn." Mrs. Lamode— " Oh ! overdrawn, is it ? I knew something was wrong when he signed it without waiting for me to go into hysterics." Woman's Weapon. — Youthful Romeo — " Would I were a glove upon that hand !" Slangy Juliet — " You couldn't be more of a kid than you are." An Eligible Acquaintance.— Codling— "Why did you speak to that hawwid twamp, old fellow?" Gilley— "Why shouldn't I, chappie ? He isn't in twade, and he doesn't work for a living." St. Valentine's Day. — New Style. — Amaryllis -"Oh, Frank, to think of it! ] the 14th of February, and not even a tiny valentine from you— l could cry !" Colin — "Nonsense, my dear girl; don't be so sentimental. I havo gone one better than that for you, and put you a hundred in Bustite Explosive Shares at 3J, and they've gone up Bjf." A Valentine Dance Episode. — Jones (whose colour sense is defective) — " I think you have tho corresponding rosette to mine, Miss Prettylips. Delighted, I'm sure, to " Miss P. — "Oh, no, my colour is heliotrope, yours is terra- cotta. That's your partner sitting over there." Fond Mother — "But, Edward, dear, football seems so brutal to me." Edward — "That is jusfr a woman's view of the matter. It is the most gentlemanly sport possible. You recollect Billy Simmons, who was here last summer ? Well, I happened to kick off his ear in the course of ihe pla3 f last week, and on the very instant the game was ended, mother, I went right to his cot in the hospital and apologised to him." Something to Crow About— Jones has no clock in his bed.oom, and never takes his watch to bed, but he says he always knows when to rise by the crowing of his neighbour's cook - he culls it his orow-nometer. First Pickpocket — "Bill was trying in Lombard Street tho other day." Second Pickpocket — " Did he do any business?" "Got his hand into a banker's pocket." ."What luck did he have?" "First rate. Got it out again." "What do you think of whisky?" said Boswell one night after the sixth tumbler. "Sir," said Dr. Johnson, "it penetrates my very soul, like the small still voice of conscience, and doubtless the worm of the still is the worm that never dies." "As to illicit distillation," ho, replied, "if a struggle took place between the smugglers and the Excise, if I went by tho letter of the law I should assist the Customs, but, according- to the spirit, I should stand by the contrabands." Table Etiquette.— She— "You shouldn't make a face when you have found a bad oyster. It shows bad taste." He— "Yes; I think it does." Wife (wonderingly) — " What are these?" Husband (boldly) -"Poker chips." Wife (suspiciously) — "What are they doing in your pocket f" Husband (still boldly)— " I guess they are waiting for some fool to play them." Wife (angrily) — " Then you play poker?" Nasty.— The Suburban Idiot— "Talking about tho army, you might not think it to look at me, but, do you know, I had half a mind once " She (interrupting— oh, so innocently) — "Had you really? I should like to have known you !" The New Pastor—" My brother, I adjure you to love your enemies." Colonel Fend (of the Kentucky Moonshine District) — "Can't do it. Parson? Can't do it!" The New Parson—" You could if you would try." Colonel Feud — " Impossible ! Hain't got none to love. Shot the la.it one this mawnin' !" — From Puck. Badinage. — " I know lam a bad man," said the parish drunkard. "I know I driuk like a fish." " 1 was under the impression that fish only drank water," suggested the city missionary, blandly. And the proceedings that ensued were less peaceful than those that had gone before.