WIT AND HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume XL, Issue 63, 13 September 1890, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

" Well, Mrs. Brown, how does | your daughter get on ■with the piano ?" " Goodness gracious, Mrs. Jones, you know I ain't no musician myself, but I did hear her teacher Bay only yesterday, ' Emma, my child, you're quite ten bars ahead ! ' — so she must be making' some progress, mustn't she ?" A virtuous woman is a crown to a husband; but a strong-minded man is the sovereign of his wife. Professor— " Mr. Chumpy, I am anxious for your father's sake, to break the long list of demerit marks you have won here. Do you think you will ever learn anything?" '• No, sir." •' Mark Mr Chumpy aa having correctly answered all the questions put to him this lesson." Scene — Paisley Road Toll. — Heavy Masher to Tramway Guard — "I say, guard, is this the way to Govan Cross ? Can I take this car down there ? " Tramway Guard (ironically)— " Well, sir, I would suggest that you get inside the car, and the engine, will perhaps be able to take it down." (Heavy Masher climbs down.) "Why don't you call me donkey, and have done with it? You've hinted at it long enough," he snarled ' out. "It wouldn't be quite true," she replied. "I suppose not. I suppose I haven't ears enough for that animal," he retorted sarcastically. " Oh, yes, you have," she returned sweetly. " You don't need any more oars." " What do I need, j then?" "More legs and a better j roice." "William," said Mrs. Bixby from the head of the stairs to her husband, who had come home at an early hour in the morning, " there is some angel cake in the pantry, a new. kind I made to-day. I put it where you can easily get it." " All right, dear, ' ' responded Mr. Bixby. ' ' How considerate of you. I might have eaten some of it without thinking." And the grateful husband made a lunch on cold corned beef. A ruling elder apologised to a church dignitary who had been summoned to take a service at a small village church. "I am sorry, sir, to have brought such a gentleman as you to this poor little place. A worse gentleman would have done, if we had only known where to find him." "My dear," said a vain old man to his wife, " these friends here won't believe that I'm only 45 years old. You know I speak the truth, don't you ? " " Well," answered the simple wife, " I suppose I must believe it, John, as you've stuck to it for more than 1 5 years !" De Gillie — "Bobby, did your mother make any derogatory remark about my singing after I was gone the other night ?" Bobby— "N-n-n-o, she didn't make any derogatory remarks."' De Gillie— " I'm glad to hear that." Bobby — "But she nearly died laughing." A musician thus defines woman at various ages : — At fifteen years she is an arpeggio ; at twenty, she is an allegro vivace; at thirty, she is an accordo forte ; at forty, an andante ; at fifty commences the rondo finale, and at sixty the tremolo alia sordina. Mrs. A. — " What a pleasant person Mra. Greene i 8 to visit. She always receives one so courteously, you know." Mrs. B.— " Why, that's the only reason that I do not call upon her. It in a sign of vulgarity, don't you know, to appear so pleased to see visitors ? It looks as though you were not in the habit of receiving company." A country rector complained to Dr. JttoutU that ho had received only five pounds for preaching a sermon at Oxford. " Five pouuda !" ejaculated the doctor. "Why, I would | not have preached that sermon for fifty !" First Mate—" Well, sir, things are going smoothly now, sir." Captain — " Yes That is because Beveral of the sailors have been ironed." Wife (to newly made husband) — " Now, Charles, this is our honeymoon, and while it lasts we mus contrive to extract all the sweetness we can out of it. "We must remember life is short and honeymoons are shorter." Niwly made husband interrupting — '' My dear, let us hope that happiness will perch upon our banner and stay there." Wifei(looking at him pityingly) — " Charles, this is your first experience in this line, while I may as well confess to you that it is my third; and I'm the better judge." Despairing Lover (bitterly) — " I daresay it would rejoice you to ace me blow out my brains in front of you." Mocking Maiden — "No, it would not rejoice me, Louis, but it would certainly surprise me." Rev. Roarer — "la it possible, Henry Biadama, that you have gone to the theatre?" Henry— "Well, yes, sir. , You see" Rev. Roarer (thunderously) — " After the way I have described it to you ?" Henry — " That's what made me go." Old Doctor — " Many patients yet, young man ?" Young Doctor — "No ; got nothing — nothing to do but kill time." Old Doctor—" Well, you'll find that good practice." Lady (to small boy, who is crying) — "What is the matter, my little man?" Boy — "We were playing ball, and I broke that pane of glass over there." Lady — " Well, I guess the lady will not care much about it." Boy—" 'Taint that ; the ball went through, and she won't give it back." Erskine was colonel of the Volunteer Corps called " The Law Association." Some one wished to quiz him, told him that his corps was much inferior to the Excise Volunteers, then notoriously the worst in London. "So they ought to be," good-humouredly observed Erskino, " seeing that the Excise people are all Crosars (seizers)." Edith — "Oh, mamma, what a monstrous, horrid - looking beetle ! It makes me shudder to look at him." Mamma — " Why, my dear, it's exactly like that gold one you wear for a breast pin." The less head a man has the more frequently he loses it. Ted — " I'd like you to meet my new girl. • I wish to learn whether she is pretty." Ned — " I'm no judge. Why don't you take her into a crowded tram-car some day ?" SAJI WELLERISMS. "This is a swell affair," as the fellow growled when he had the faceache. "Thisis the milky way," as the dairyman Baid when he emptied 75 per cent, of water into his milkchurns. " Died from a Pullmanary disease." as the coroner's jury suid when the poor fellow was knocked off a Pullman's car the other day. " That coninrissiou's executed," as

Berry observed when he drew the fatal bolt. ! " I must dun or be done,' aa the > tradesman remarked when he pressed | a long-winded customer to pay him. "He was wrecked on the bar," as the teetotaler observed of the man who drank himself to death. "This is a brilliant prospect," as the fellow exclaimed when he gazed at the show of diamonds in the BondStreet jeweller's shop window. "Full inßide," as the gourmet grunted after a Mansion House ban- \ ( l ue * > ____———