FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3505, 30 September 1882, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

Student —' How is it, doctor, that I always take cold in my Lead ?' Doctor — 'It is a well-known principle, sir, that a cold is most likely to settle in the weakest part.'

' What's the matter with this tea ?' said an irate husband to his wife. ' Well,' slie replied, ' there doesn't seem to be anything the matter with it. I don't taste anything.' ' Neither can I ; and that's what I'm growling at.' Little Miss Innocent (seated at dinner, to pompous old cove) : ' Mr 8., won't you drink?' S.: 'Yes, my dear, certainly. But why ?' Miss I. : ' Because mamma says you drink like a fish, and I want to see bow fishes drink.' S.: !! !

Johnny's mother was rending to him ahout cleanlinoss. 'In Africa,' she said, 'it is a dreadful tiling to think that there are benighted tribes who do not know what soap is, and do not wash from one year's end to another.' ' Wish I was a 'nighted tribe !' said Johnny. 'Is there such a thing as luck ?' asks a correspondent. There is. Eor instance, if you go home at two o'clock in the morning, after promising your wife to be home early, and find her asleep, and don't tumble over any chairs, that's luck ; but ifc isn't to be depended on. Gilhooly hired a pony the other day to take a little exercise on. He got all the exercise he wanted, nnd as he limped to the edge of the pavement to rest himself after taking so much exercise, a kind friend asked him : ' What did you come down so quick for ?' ' What did I come down so quick for ?' Did you see anything up in the air for me to hold on to ?'

A modest bachelor who was threatened with a severe illness, stoutly resented his landlady's sii.gestijn that she should call in a female physician of her acquaintance. 'I assure you,' urged the well-meaning hashmanufactures?, 'that she is as competent to treat you as any male member of the profession I know of.' ' That may be madam,' replied the ailing boarder, ' but do you suppose that I'm going to get up and put my clothes on every time the doctor calls.' A deaf old actor of the name of Cross, being very vain, took every pains to conceal his infirmity. A friend, walking along Elect-street with a companion saw Cross on the opposite side, and told his acquaintance that he should see some lino sport. So, beckoning to Cross with his linerer, ho opened his mouth wide, and began to assume the attitude and gestures of one who bawls very loud to a distant object. Cross, thinking that his friend had hallooed to him, and taking that as too broad a signification of his infirmity, came puffing across tho street as hard a3 he could, crying, ' What the deuce do you make such a noise for? Do you think one cannot hear ?' This story is told of two well-known southern clergymen, one of whom undertook to rebuke tho other for using tobacco : —-' Brother G.,' he exclaimed, without stopping to ask any other questions, is it possible that you chew tobacco ?' ' I must confess that I do,' the other quietly replied. ' Then I would quit it, sir,' the old gentleman energetically continued ; 'it is a very unclerical practice and a very uncleanly ono. Tobacco ! Why, sir, even a hog won't chew it.' 'Father C-, do you chew tobacco ?' responded the amused listener. ' I ? No, sir !' he answered grtiflly, with much indignation. 'Then, pray, which is most like the hog, you or I?' The old doctor's fat sides shook with laughter as he said : ' Well, I have been fairly caught this time.'