Humors of the Bench.

Cromwell Argus, Volume XXX, Issue 1513, 10 May 1898, Page 3

Humors of the Bench.

(Mataura Ensign.) An Assessment Court is the last in tho world that one would expect to yield anything humorous, but thanks to the waggishness (unconscious, perhaps) of Major Keddell, SM, several distinct ripples of laughier were introduced into the proceedings of that somewhat sombre tribunal in Gore on Thursday, 28th April. One of tho objectors stated that his land abounded largely in stumps and roots; so much so that he had been compelled to purchase a patent American stumper “ I hope,” interposed the learned Judge, “ that is not a political machine.” “ Ob, no, your Worship,” replied the witness artlessly, “ it’s a machine for pulling up stumps.”—An objector from the Wairnea Plains district explained that one of his sections was behind the Pyramids. “ That is very interesting,” said Mr Keddell, “ but isn’t it rather far away 1” And then the witness cleared up the whole mystery by explaining that Pyramids was the name of a locality in the neighborhood of his farm.—The worthy farmer who owned the patent stumper raised a decided snigger among the audience by remarking in tragic tones : “ Fortunately, I’ve got some high land on my farm, or else the flood waters which periodically come my way would make it a Gomorrah—l mean a Dead Bea.” Later on this same objector startled everyone by stating, “ You know I’m dying - we’re all dying. Asked to make himself more explicitly, he explained that mankind at large was getting nearer the grave every day. Altogether a most cheerful kind of personage this.

One of the Government valuers at Mosgiel showed remarkable facility in getting out of a tight place during the sitting of the Assessment Court at that place the other day. When questioned with regard to the value of certain laud, he explained that in his opinion it should produce 60 bushels of wheat to the acre, but on being confronted with counsel’s statement that not more than 20 bushels could be procured, retorted amid roars of laughter, that the remaining 40 bushels had been eaten by sparrows. The stipendiary magistrates of London are evidently determined to put down the sale of impure meat in the metropolis. At the Worship street Police Court recently a sausage maker named Robinson was fined £SO for having diseased meat in his possession. The meat was then traced to a butcher named Harrington, who had sold it to Robinson, Harrington had to appear at the Clerkenwell sessions to answer to a charge of selling meat knowing it to be diseased ; he was convicted, and sentenced to three months’ imprisonment. A countryman in London noticed a board displayed in front of a building that was in course of erection. It boio these words : “ Keep away—danger !” Ho walked up close to the board and traced the letters with his finger. His lips moved as if he were spelling out the words. Before he had finished the words “ Keep away,” a brick suddenly fell from an upper story and struck him squarely on the head. Without even looking up, he backed across the pavement and examined the big gash in his hat. “ That’s one o’ the drawbacks to a limited eddication !” he saJly remarked. At Stratford, Victoria, the other day, Mr Henry Hartwick, a respected sheep farmer, of Meerlien, met with a dreadful death. The deceased left with a horse attached to a sledge to bring a cask of water from a well that is about 240 yds distant from his house, and did not return in the usual time. His wife, upon going to look for him, found him near a tree, and his head bleeding, the brains dashed to a pulp. From the surroundings it was evident the horse bolted, and in endeavoring to hold it in the unfortunate man was dashed between a tree and the sledge.