FACETIÆ.

Clutha Leader, Volume XVII, Issue 835, 18 July 1890, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

— ♦ ! Teacher — ' Now, Sarah, who is the laziest girl in school V Sarah —• I dunno.' Teacher — ' I should think you would know. When all the other girls are industriously writing or studying their lessons, who is she- who sits idly in her seat and watches the rest instead of working herself? Sarah — 'The teacher.' Not Quite Correct. — ' Always wipe your feet, Biddy,' .said Mrs Upstart to her Irish servant, who had just imprinted a chaste and elegant design in mud on the hall. 'Oi always do, mum, whiiiiver Oi wash thini, fur Oi'in afraid ay gittin' chilblains ; but Oi thank yrz fur yer koincl advoice, mum,' replipd Biddy. Yojtfng Dv Pillo — 1 1 attended Mrs Languish to-day, father, but I can't spp, for the life of me, that anything is the matter with her.' Old Dr Pillo (gasping) — ' But, for mercy sake, my boy, you didn't say anything of tho land to her r Young Dr Pille— 'No, father.' Old Dr Pille — ' Good. You know a healthy patient lasts a long time, Mortimer.' A Mixed Family. — A widower with a number of small children married a widow who was similarly blessed. In due time the newly-married couple added to the number. Hearing a voice in the yard one day the father went out to see what was the matter. ' Well, what is it V asked his wife as he returned out of breath. ' Your children and my children were pounding our children,' was the reply. 'Mamma,' said Johnny, 'can anybody hear with their mouth I }' 'No, 1 child, T don't think they can,' replied the ungrammatical mother. 'Then, mamma, what made Mr Jones, tell sister he wanted to tell her something, and put his lips to her mouth instead of her ear?' The mother didn't question Johnny, but turned her attention to Mr Jones, and that worthy made ife all right by the proper explanations. A judge, when addressing a locksmith who apperred as witness, spoke as follows : — ' I should have thought yoti would dissuade your workmen from going to law for such a trifiV.' Witness — ' That's what I did. I said, 1 Children,' said I, ' the clerk at the lawyer's will take your coat, and the lawyer will strip off your shirt,; and as for the judge, why, man, he'll skin you alive.' You see, I talked sensibly to the folks liko that, but it was all no? use.'