A completely unreviewable television pogramme

Press, 7 October 1987, Page 19

A completely unreviewable television pogramme

There are some television programmes — as it turns out — which are completely unreviewable, even by the hardiest or most determined reviewer. For some time now I have had it in the back of my mind that I should review “The Love Connection,” the programme' with which Two begins transmission every weekday at 12 midday. I was saving it for a week when nothing much was worth watching or everything that was worth watching I had already reviewed. That week came around this week, but when I sat down to watch “The Love Connection” I discovered to my alarm that it was impervious to criticism. Not because it was good or bad but because it was an utterly artificial construct.

“The Love Connection,” as those who for whatever reason find themselves watching it will know, is a programme in which couples (always, I assume, of a heterosexual persuasion) are matched with

each other, to an audience’s approval or disapproval, and then go out together. They subsequently report back on what the night out was like.

It is a programme specifically constructed for television; it doesn’t have any analogue in any other art form. It is there to occupy half an hour of television transmission time. It sounds as though

it might, but doesn’t in fact, appeal to the prurient, because the couples involved, however tragic ther personal circumstances or shortcomings which have led them to take part in the first place, have a reserve and decency which proves that the innate qualities of the human spirit cannot be destroyed even by the most witless of TV programmes. This, however, is a pity, because it reinforces the polystyrene nature of “The Love Connection.” Nothing real or embarrassing is ever going to be blurted out on it.

The presenter/front man/android/whatever has a face whose features are so regular that they disappear from the gaze even while you look at them, a laugh which is not a laugh because it, too, is a television construct, and shiny white teeth which no doubt were commissioned for the android from some obscure Angeleno craftsman by the android’s agent. It would be easy to

assert that a programme like this was a complete waste of time, but of course it is the complete opposite of a waste of time: it is a complete occupation of time; half an hour of time to be' precise. As such it shows us how different television is from other art forms like the stage play, the musical performance, the rock concert or the strip show. There are reasons for going to all these intrinsic in the nature of what is being exhibited. But the only reason for watching “The Love Connection” is because it happens to be on.

Everest is climbed because it is there and “The Love Connection” is watched for the same reason.

Television is a wonderful medium but it is disturbing to reflect that a programme like "The Love Connection” is a programme specifically designed for television; it occupies a slot, doesn’t do anything except occupy a slot, and it can’t be reviewed.