MR DOOLEY THE FOOD WE EAT.

Press, Volume LXII, Issue 12590, 5 September 1906, Page 5

MR DOOLEY THE FOOD WE EAT.

F. P. Dunne in " Collier's Weekly." "What have, yo undher arm tier©?' demanded MV Dooloy. "I was takin' home a ham," said Mr Hexunessy. "Cleair out. irv here with it.," cried Mr Dooley. 'Take that tlhimg outside— an' don't lav© it wlhor© tih' dog imight get hold iv it. Th , ideo iv ye'er bring- , in , t in here. Glory be, it makes mo s faint to think iv it. I'm afraid I'll have to go an' lay down." "What aiils ye?" asked Mr Hennessy. "What ails mc?" said Mr Dooley. "Haven't yo r-rcad about tfti' invistygation iv tih' Stock Yards? It's a good thing f'r you yo haven't. If ye knew wha;t that ham—oh, th' horrid wurrud —was mad© iv ye'd go down to Rabbi Hirsch an' bo baptized f'r a Jew. Ye may think 'tis th , innocent ldttl© last left leg iv a''porker yo'r© intlLrajooein' into ye'er innocint fa-m'ly, but I teli ye, mc boy, th' pig tih at that ham was cut fr'm has as manny legs to-day as iver he had. Why did ye waste ye'er good money on it? Why didm't yo get th' fam'ly into th' dining-room, shut th , windows, an' turn on th' gas? I'll bo read in' in th , pa-aper to-morra'n that wan Hinnissy took an overdose iv Armour's Unblemished Ham with suicidal kitint on' died in gr-reat agony. Take it away! It's lible to blow up at army uiinyit seattherin' death an' dcs- ; th ruction in its train. THE PLOT OF A STORY. "Dear, oh dear, I haven't been able I to ato annybhing more nourishin' thin a- cucumber iii a week. I'm grajally fadin' fr'm life. A little while ago no wan cud square away at a beefsteak witli betther grace thin mesilf. To-<lay th' wurrud resthrant makes mo green in th' face. How did it all come about? A young fellow wrote a. book. The divrle take him f'r writin' it. Hogan says it's a grand book. It's wan of the gr-reatest books ho ive-r r-read. It almost made him commit suicide. The hayro is a Lithuanian, or as ye might say, Pojllaoky., who left th' hfirb'rous land iv his bintji an' como to this home iv opporchunity wiicro ivry man is th' equal iv ivry other man befure th' law if he isn't careful. Our : hayro got a faaicy job poo Tin' food products cut iv i\ catch basin, an' was promoted to scrapin' ptire leaf lard oft tli flure iv tlr gluo facthry. But th' binitits iv our glojyous civilyzation i wot wasted in this pf:or Ini st<'n<l ir !>«>■ n' thankful f'r what he got, ; an' lookin' forward to a day whin his i opportunity wud arrive an', bo merely ■ stubbi.ii"' his toe, ho mi<j;!it become ricli I an" famous as a prop' Jar soup, lie grew j cross an' unruly. W.-t his bo=s, an' was J pint to jail, lint it all tur-rned out well in th' end. Tli villain fell into a la.rd tjutli an , was not- socn ontil he tur-rned up at a faslr'iitable in New York. Our hayro got out iv jail nn' was rewarded with a pleasant jKJiition as a port her iv an arnyrhist hotel, an' all ended merry as a fun'ral bell. THE WAY TO REDUCE YOUR MEAT BILL. "Yell see bo this that 'tie a. sweetly sintimintal lititio volume to be r-read durin' Lfoat.. It's had a grand succese, an' I'm gtad iv it. I ee'be th' publishers , auwicnmcaimntß that 'tie th , gr-reatest. litiry hog-bilUn' in. a peryod iv gLn'ral litJiry culture. If ye wamft to rayjooce yo'tr butoh2r'6 bills, buy Th* i Jungio.' It shud bo taken between I moaJs, am' is G3pco:afly ricouimindod to i maiden la/lice cont.implatin' tJveir first ocean voy«gj. "Wei, si-, it put tih. , Pri&idint in & tur-rblo stun-. Oh, Lord, why did 1 say that ? Think ir—but I mustn't go on. Ajinyhow, Trddy was toyiag -witto a light breakfast nn' idly turnin" over th' pagos iv th' new book with both hands. Suddenly he icp<> fr'm th , tabl«>, mi' I'iyin': 'I'm pizi-ued, , begun throwin' out iv th.' window. Tii'

ninth wan ethruck Sinitor Biv'ridgo on th' head en' made him a blond. It bounoed off, exploded, an' blew a leg off a secret service agent, an' th' soatthred fragmints desthroyed a handsome row iv ol' onk-trees. Sinitor Biv , ridge 1 rushed in, thinkin' that th , Prisidint was bein' asrsaesynated be his devoted f followers in th , Sinit, an' discovered Tiddy engaged in a hand-to-hand oonr fliot with a potted ham. Th' Sinitor - fr'm Injyanny, with a few well-directed t wurruds, put out th , fuse en' rendered -• th' missile harmless. Since thin, th' 5 Prisidint, like th' rest iv us, has be--1 come a viggytaryan, en' th' diet has co changed his disposition that he is writ- - in' a book called 'Supper in Silence, , didycated to Sinitor Aldrich. But be- . fare doin , annything else, he selected . an export comity fr'm a neighborin' [ university settlemint to prepare a r thorough, onbiaeed rayport that day on [ th , situation an' make sure it was no [ betther tliin th' book said. Well, what k th' experts discovered I won't tell ye, • suffice liifc to say, tlhatt whin tih' rayport come in Congress decided to abolish-all 1 th' days iv th' week except Friday. , "I have r-read th' Tayport, an' now , whin I'm asked to pass th' corned beef, . I pass. Oh, dear, th' things' I've eon- . suihed in days past. What is lard? '. j Lard is annytbmg that isn't good [' enough f r an axle. What is potted j ham P It is made in akel parta iv ', piaster iv Paris, sawdust, rope, on' incautious laborer. To what kingdom does canned chicken belong It is a ; mineral. How is soup—Get mc th' fan, Hinnisy. "Thank ye. I'm betther now. Well, sir, th' packers ar-re gettin' r-ready to protect thimsilves again 'Th' Jungle.' , jt's on'y lately that thess here gin'rous souls have given much aibti'nrtdon toliithrachoor. Th' on'y pens they felt an inthrest in was those that reeth reined th' hectic cow. If they had a blind ! man in th' Health Department, a few I i competint frinds on the Fedhrai bench, an' Farmer Bill Lorimer to protect th' cattle inthrests iv th' Gr-reat West, they oared not who made th' novels iv our counthry. But Hogan says they'll have to arlcl a novel facthry to their plant, en' in a few months yell be able , to buy wan in Nels Morris' poplar series warranted to be fr'm rale life, like th' pressed corned beef. EXTRACT FROM HOG AX'S NOVEL. "Hogan has wrote a sample f'r thim: '"Dear!" Ivan Ivanovitch was seated in the consarvatory an' breakfast room pro-vided be Schwartzchild an' Zn!e- | berger f'r all their employees. It was J a. pleasant scene that sthrotehed be- , ! neath th' broad windows iv his cozy j villa. Tli' air was redolent with th' aroma iv th' spring remlhorin'. an' beneath th' smoke ivth' M-ay mornin' th' stately expanse iv Paekin<£ton npprared more lovely than iver befnre. On th' lawn, a fountain played brine iiicossantly an' melojously on th 1 picklotl pigs-feet. A faint odJor as iy peacJi Woesome came fr'm th' enihalmin' pbnt where kine that have peri«h<»rl fr'm joy in th' long journey fr'm th' plains are thransformed into ih , delicacies that show how an American sojer can dio. Thousands iv battlefields are sthrewn witih th' labels iv tdijs justly poplar firm an' a. millyon. hflyroes hnre risen fr'm their viands an , gone composedly to their doom. But to rayturn to our fftory. Th' scene, we say, was more beautiful thin wurrnde oaji describe. Beyond th , hedgo a physician was thryin' to make a cow snow her tongue while his assistant wint over th , craftier trk'h a steijboscope. Th' air was filled wiitih th' joyous shouts iv dhrivers iv waggons heavily laden with ol' boots an' hats, arsenic, boric-acid, bone-dust, sthricknine. sawdust, an' th' other ingreejents iv th' most nourishing food fr a sturdy people. It was a scene f'r th" eye to dote upon, but it brought no happiness to Ivan Ivanovitch. Yes* ;rday had been pay-day at th , yards an littie remained iv th' fourteen thousand dollars that had been his portion. There was a soup oan iv anger in his voice as he laid down a copy iv th' "Ladies' Home Journal" mi' said: 'Dear , ' , Th' haughty beauty raised her head an' laid aside th' spoon with which she ha<J

been scrar-in' th' life-giving proosic ueid frn» th' Deer Island sausage. "Doar," said Ivanovitch, "if ye use so much iv' th' comp'nye peroxido on ye'er hair. there will bo none left f'r th' canned turkey." Befure she cud lift tli' butthcrine dish, a cheery voice was hecrd at th' dure. an' J. Ogden Cudahy bounded in. Ivanovitch flushed darkly, an' thin, as if a sudden de^ermination had sthruck him, dhrew on his overhauls, an' wint out to shampoo th" pigs. [Th' continyuation ivthis tlirillin' story will be found in th' nex' issue iv ,- Lenf Lard." F'r sale at all dellycatoseen stores.]" THE BLIGHT ON THE FEAST. "An' there ye ar-rc, Hinnissy. It's a tur-rble situation. Here am I an' hero's all th' wnrruld been *towin" away moat eince th' days iv Nebudcud —what-ye-may-call-him. "Tis th' pleasant hour ir dinner. We've been waitin' half an hour pertondin , wo weiv in no hurry, makin' conversation an' lookin' at. th' clock. There is a ooniniotion in th' hack iv tlr an' a cheery perfume .as iv beefsteak an* onions ioh.<\s through an open dure. Th' hired girl sniilin' but triumphant flags us fr'm th' dinin'-rooin. Th" talk al)out th' weather stops at. wanst. Th' j story iv th' wondhorful child ou'y four I 3"ears old that hit his brother is .stow- | eti away f'r future use. Th' eoinp'ny dashes out. There is some crowd in' at th" dure. 'Wilt yo sit there, Mrs Casey.?' "Mrs Hinnissy, sfjuat down noxt to Mike. , 'Tom, d'ye stow ye'ersilf nt tli" end iv th' table whore ye can deal th' potatoes.' "Ar-re ye all r-ready? Tliin go.' There ar-re twinty good stories flyiif befure th' napkins ar-rc veil iusido iv tlv collar. Th' platter comes in sniokin' like Vetsuvyous. 1 to play mo favrito chime with a enrvin' knife on a steel whin Molly Donahue, remarks: 'Have ye r-read .about th' invistygations iv th' Stock Yards?' I dhrop mo knife. Tom Donahue clutches at his collar. Mrs Hinnissy says th' room seems close, an' wo make a meal off potatoes an' wathercrcss. Iv'rybody goes home arly without say.in' good-by, an' the vex' day Father Kelly has to patch up a row between you an' yo'cr wife. Wo ate no more togctiier, an' food be-in , th , basis iv all frindship, frindship ceases. Cliristuias is marked off th' calendar an' Lent lasts f'r three hundhcrd an' sixty-five days a year. THE TRAGIC SOURCE OF FOOD SUPPLY, "An , , bo hivens, I can't stop with thinkin' iv th' way th' food is got r-ready. Wanst I'm thurly sick I don't care how much sicker I get, an' I go on wondherin' what food ra-aly is. An' that way, says Hogan, starvation lies. Th' idee that a Polish' gentleman has danced wan iv his graceful native waltzes on mo beefsteak is horriblo to think, but it's on'y a shado worse thin th' thought that this delicate morsel that makes mo th' man I am was got bo th' assassynation iv a gintle an i mile that niver dono mo no harm but look kindly at mo. See th' little lamb friskin' in th' fields. How beautiful an' innocint it is. Whin ye'er little Packy has beon a good boy ye call him ye'er little lamb, an' take him to see thim ekippin' in th' grass. 'Aren't they cunning, Packy?' But look! Who ie this gr-reat ruffyanly man comin' across th' fields? An' what is that horrid blado he holds in his hands? Is ho goin' to play with th , lamb? Oh, dhreadful eight. Take away th' little boy, Hinnist>y. Yβ have ordheied a leg iv lamb f r supper. ."Tli' things wo eat or used to eat! I'll not mintion army iv thim, but I'd like some poto to get up a list iv oatablo namos that wud sound th' way they ta.ste. It's oskin too much to make us be happy whin wo'ro stowin' away' articles iv food with th' same titles ac our own machinery. 'But why not ato something olso? saye ye. FisbP I oan't. I've hooked thim out iv th' wather. Eggs? What is an egg? Don't answer. Let us go on. Milk? Oh, goodness. Viggytables, thin? Well, if it's bad to take th' life iv a cow or a pig, is it army belther to cut off a tomato in th' flower iv its youth or murdher a family ir baby peas m th cradle P I ate no more iv annything but a few snowballs in winter an' a mouthful iv fresh air in th' summer time. THE ROMANCE OF FOOD. "But let's stop thinlcin' about it. Ifs a good thing not to think long about annytbing—ye'ersilf, ye'er food, or ye'er heroafther. Th' story iv th' nourishment we take ie on'y half written in "Eh' Jungle.' If ye followed it fr'm th' cradle to th' grave, as ye might say is fr'm th' day Armour kioked it into a. wheelbarrow, through varyous encounters, peoplo it met, with their pictures while att wunroik, untril it lanided in tli' oate iv tih' eitlhirange lady in th' kitchen —ye'd 'have a romance tfliait wud raatbe t!h' butidhar haul down Ilss sign. Xo, sir, I'm go.m' to thry to fighifc it. Ir tih , miJlyooilaiiro lias a gredge agio mc ho'H laind mc somcShioTv. If he caai't do mo with eupjar iv load, he'll run mc dow.n wiltih a t!hroHey-oa.r or smash mc up in a railroad aooidenJb. I'l shut mc €fyca an , tialia mc chiamce. Ootne imibo 'tih. . Back room, out m© a slaco iv tih' ham, an' skid f'r tßi' priest." "They ought to make thim ate their OTvm meat," sand MLt Heninessy warmly. "I suggested that." said Mr Dooley, "but Hogani ea&s tihey'd fall back an tih' Cbnstriiuitiioin. Hosa.ystfli' Canatatoiticn f'rbids croos aai 3 unusiraJ puuiahmeinSts."