SEARCH LIGHTS.

Press, Volume L, Issue 8476, 6 May 1893, Page 7

SEARCH LIGHTS.

The correspondent of the Daily New, who* girds against the hackneyed expressions io thfe publio Press must have sbruck c, Byrrr'pathetic chord in tho heart of allnewßpaper readers. His sufferings are nothing, however, oompared with those of tho NewZealander. "Function" as applied to "a polite gathering" is a word that fills him with unutterable indignation; but what', would he say to the colonial "Booial"? "Function" is at leoßt a well-made aud intelligible word even though it be used in a «pery strained sense; but that rampant vulgarism V social" has absolutely not one redeeming quality either of form or sense. In the first place the* adjective social is used as if it meant sociable, and then this ,is turned into a noun by the same slipshod process as cerbaiu student teachers are heard to speak of their school as "The Normal." "A sociable" would at least have the merit of being good in sense, even if it is hot good in form ; but "ay social is neither one nor the other. Yet every day one sees paragraphs In the newspapers reporting " socials, and what makes the matter worse they are often given under the auspices of " Literary" Societies— and they pronounce it "So ow-HmaH."

But while the most extravagant optimist could scarcely hope to see this eminently " respectable r 'vulgarism buried there are one or two stock phrases which a vigorous crusade might, perhaps succeed In killing. In every second musical criticism you read you aro told that " the ' orchestration' was excellent, and displayed the usual attention to light and thade." This might be tolerated j bub what have a long-suffering public done that they should be tortured with "a spirited rendition V What is there about that innocent word *« rendering " thab ib should be supplanted by this " reportorial" bastard rendition! And even "rendering" applied to a song though infinitely better than rendition is itself a solecism. You can render fat ; but you cannot render a song. Beware ye critics; the public may be long-suffering; they have almost become resigned to Tumour without the v, they submit with a patient shrug: to social, they only groan when women are called "the female portion of the community," bot there are limits, and rendition thoy will not have. Beware; they may yet rise in their anguish and cry for Bar—lud I

Tra whole of one.side of a certain building, facing you as you come from the Railway Station, bears in huge black letters on a flaming yellow ground the cheerful exhortation, »•• Ask for i' » whiekey." While yet afar off the weary traveller spells out the legend; he presses on cheered by tho Pisgah light; bhe letters grow larger to his vision ; there can be no mistake; panting, he wins the threshold ; ho has just breath enough left to gasp out, " Ask for ." when he is struck speechless with wrath. For on the front of the house he reads as in cruel mockery, " Temperance Hotel." The whiskey firm who advertise on the walls of Temperance Hotels have reached a height <>f genius which even Eden George on the Cathedral roof falls short of; bub it is the refinement of cruelty. What fiendish mockery in Lhis parody—this modernisation of "Ask for bread and givo you a stone," into " Aek for whiskey and givo you— ginger pbp."

Talkiho of advertisements reminds mc of one which extols a certain brand of soap in luminous letters but most obscure English. Like the Hon. J» G. Ward, the firm woo the public by giving them ** Household Recipes" for nothing. Here is a cure for choking. "(I) Hold op and fix under your left arm the person's head ; (2) open mouth by thrusting his cheek between

his teeth ; and (3) with the first two fignres of your right hand hook up the body." This ■eems a very drastic remedy- Tne first operation is simple enough and is that known to pugilists as "putting in chancery"; the second, "thrusting his 'cheek' between his teeth," will present some difficulty—in the case of a colonial; but the third, I admit, beats mc. lam aware that hangmen adopt the device of " hooking up the body "to ensure choking; but how it is to relieve it I don't quite see—unless on the homoeopathic principle. There is something ao beautifully simple about homoeopathy.

The Acclimatisation Society, in their frozen ducks' case on Wednesday, if they proved little else, at least showed the public that they have in their employ the most zealous of rangers. He has the keenest nose in the world tor all sorts of game out of season — high or low—even for the frozen article. Some time ago, it appears, he " nosed" some ducks on a tramcar, which an innocent Smth was taking home for his employer, ere was a great opportunity for the ranger, and he forthwith pounced upon the innocent youth. Explanations were made, and references to his employer given. Bat the ranger was not to be baulked by mere explanation. It was urged that the purpose of the Act is to prevent ducks being maliciously eaten at tne dinuer table at a season of the >—ar when they might be more profitably employed in propagating their species. And it was humbly suggested that frozen ducks were not likelj- to beget ducklings anyhow. But he couldn't see it; stranger things had been heard of; he laid an information, and a summons was issued. Your brass-bound Bumble is not lightly to be robbed of an opportunity like that.

Osce matters had got this far the Society and their Secretary were no doubt wise in having the whole thini; thrashed out. And of course there is no harm done. The only man lam sorry for in the matter is poor Professor Hutton.. I am told that since reading the report of the " Frozen ducks " case he lives in perpetual dread of being hauled into Court by the inexorable ranger, and cast in costs. He keeps such a lot of "Native game" out of season —in the Museum you know.

It is generally a mistake to prophesy before the event. But the age of seers is not yet over. Many years ago the brother of Mr Seddon, when he heard the eloquent Richard make his maiden speech at his first Road Board meeting on the momentous question of buying a new ink-pot, proudly declared, •* Ab, boys, you just wait. Dick's got the stuff in him. He'll be Premee-er some day, and I shouldn't wonder if he becomes ■

Governor." The first part of the prediction is already fulfilled, and who shall say, in these* democratic days with their Elective Governor Bills, our West Coast Dick Whittlngton may not yet attain to the ViceRoyalty incarnadine so fondly predicted !

pROHXBmoN has found a new advocate in a correspondenb " Subscriber " in Thursday's Press. Referring to the assault case at Invercargill he says:—" It appears that this man brutally assaulted his daughter and daughter-in-law on the public road, and in tne presence of a dozen men and boys, of whom one only interfered. To start with, what curs the men must have been to allow the ruffian to bang about two girls or women. They did nob interfere, presumably", because the scoundrel was drunk. I am nob a prohibitionist, bub whab a whip is put into prohibitionist hands by such gross nnmanliness."

I CORDIALLY endorse the eloquent indignation of "Subscriber." What curs indeed must those men have been ! Bab so far {pom their conduct putting " a whip into prohibitionist hands the argument is the other way round. A dozen men and boys atood by aud witnessed a brutal assault without raising a hand to interfere — because they were sober. "Men's true nature," as "Subscriber" wisely has it, •' comes out in drink." Had but one drop of mountain dew or even a pint of arf-an-arf warmed their sluggish blood to generous heat they would have rushed to her aid with snore than the heroism of an Adelphi hero, lam afraid prohibitionist orators will not get much out of " Subscriber's " argument.

Srs Robert Stout is sulking in his tent. Mr Seddon, the Agamemnon of the Liberal ranks, has robbed him of the Briseis of his heart, the Premiership, and now Sir Robert, like the lachrymose Achilles of old, "runs roaring along the salt sea shore" of Ocean Beach. And even the faithful Bolt fails to console him, though he dangles the star of St. George and the Masonic jewels of the Orient in the face of his idoL As for Inangahua—he will none of them. But pro_e fails to convey my sense of this awful fate that has overtaken the colony in losing the services of Sir Robert. I can find no parallel for it except in the dire distresses thab befell the Greeks before Troy afber THE QUARREL OF THE CHIEFS (With, apologies to Homer and Mr Pope). Scene —A room in Parliament House. DramatiM Persona-- The Honourable Dick and Sir Bob. _E_c-n. Dick — . " The prize, the yearned-for prize I won't resign, So dearly valued and so justly mine, And since for politics J&re lefb a pub I'll have my meed in salary and sub." $ir Bob— " Insatiate publican (Sir Bob replies), Fond of the power and fonder of the prize, Would'sb thou that I my lawful prey should yield The due reward of many a 'canvassed' field!' Then thus Bluff Dick " Shall I the helm resign With tame content and stations change with thine ♦ Great as thou art and Stout in name and fight Think not to rob mc of 'A miner's right.' You—the rejected—loudly may complain, And rage you may, but you shall rage in vain." At this his knighthood frowning, stern replied— " O -Pleas tyrant, armed with West Coast 'side.' Inglorious slave, to interest ever joined, With greed unworthy of a Liberal mind. What generous member shall at thy loud bray Propose a Bill or vote a servile * Aye? What cause have I to fight at thy decree? No 'social pest' has ever injured mc. In Dick Reeves' shoes I sternly scorn to tread, Let them elect a Tory in his stead." To him the Premier:—"Office-hunter, fly! Thy aid we need not, and thy threats defy. There want nob Bads, in such a cause to fight For twenty pounds a month's a bribe of might. Haste, nurse thy envy, fly with speed away; Rule thy own Bolt in arbitrary sway. Go, threat thy Orient Masons—here Tia mine to threaten, Knight, and thine to fear. Hence! Thou shalt prove my might and curse the hour Thou dared'at aspire to Ministerial power. Henceforth to all our party let be known That Liberals dread MY hobnailed boots alone!" *' O monster," —thus in anger roared Sir Stout, *' Thou bluff in manner, but in heart a tout! By this St. Michael's cross, my knighthood's sign, I never more will vote with thee or thine ; . I swear when 'Nangahua once again Shall call Sir Robert it shall call in vain. When flushed with vict'ry Roileston comes to spread His Tory banquets with the Liberal dead, Then shalt thou mourn the affront thy madness save; Forced to deplore, when impotent to save, Then rage in bitterness of soul to see Victorious Tories snatch the reins from thee." The Bohemian.