MARRIED IF NOT MATCHED.

Bruce Herald, Volume XXX, Issue 3038, 21 February 1899, Page 6

MARRIED IF NOT MATCHED.

TENDER AND TRUE ANl> TRIED. Tender and true, You kept faith with me. As I kept faith with you— Though over us both Since we plighted troth Long years have rolled ; But our Jove could hold Through troubles and trials manifold, My darling, tender and true I Tender and true, In your eyes I gazed. And my heart was safe, 1 knew ! Your trusting smile Was pure of guile, And I read in sooth On your brow's fair youth The earnest of loyal trust and truth, My darling, tender and true ! Tender and true, All my own at last ! My blessing for all life through — In death as life My one loved wife — Mme — mine at last, All troubles past — And the future al! happiness, deep ami vast, My darling, tender, and true ! ■$4"KISS MY WIFE OR FIGHT"

There are few married men who are averse to seeing their wives kissed; but a correspondent relates the particulars of a case in which a newly made benedict felt himself insulted because^his wife was not kissed. The bridegroom In question was a stalwart young ■rustic who was known as a formidable opera^ tor in a free fight. His bride was a blooming and beautiful country girl, only sixteen yeara of age; and the twain were at a party where a number of young folks of both sexes were enjoying themselves in the good old-fashion-ed sty Je. Every girl in the room was called out and kissed except the beautiful vouug bride aforesaid ; and although there was not a youngster who was not dying to taste her lips, but was i entrained by the presence of her herculean husband, who stood regarding the party with a sullen dissatisfaction. They mistook the cause, for suddenly he expressed himself. Rolling up his sleeves, he stepped into the middle of the room, and, in a tone of voice that secured attention, said — " Centlcmeu , I have been noticing how these things have been working here for some rime, and I ain't satisfied. I don't want to raise a fuss, but -" " What is the matter, John ?" inquired half-a-dozen voices. "Have we done anything to hurt your feelings ?' " Yes, you have; all of you have hint my feelings, and 1 have just got this to say about it.. Here's every girl in the rowm has beeu kissed nigh a dozen times apiece, | and there's my wife, who I consider as likely I as any of 'em, has not had a single one tonight, au:l I just teU you now, if t>he don't I get as many kisses as any girl in the room the j rest of the night, the man that slights her haa got me to tight— that's all. Now go ahead with your plays." 4.4. Wife: I wonder how you can look me in the face. Husband: Oh, a man can get used to anything. Mrs. Brown: How could you define tact? Mrs. Jones: 1 should say tact is the ability to make your husband believe that he is having his own way. 4-4-Hostess: What, going alieady, professor, and must you take your dear wife away with you? Professor: Indeed, Madam, I am sorry to Hay I must. 4-4-Choosing a wife is very much like ordering a meal in a Paris restaurant when you do not uudei'stand .French. You may not get what you waut, but you will get something. 4>4A young bride read Mother Shipton'a phophecy for the tirst time the other day. " Just my luck !" she exclaimed, throwing down the paper. " lieie I am newly-married and now the world's coming to -an end." 4-4- --" Your husband is a staid man, now, is he not?" asked a former schoolmate of her friend who had mairied a man rather noted for his fast habits. i 4 I think so," was the reply; " he stayed out very late last night." " You sop, my dear," said Mr. Younghusbiind, to his wife, triumphantly, at three o'clock the other moruing, " the moment I begin to fing tv baby she is quiet." " Yes." said his wife, •■' she is easily frightened, poor little thing." 4.4. There was a young wife of A.ntigua, Who said to her spouse, " What a pig yon are !" He said, 'Oh my queen I Is it manners you mean, Or do you refer to my fig-u-re?" 4.4. Woman's Rights Again. — A Strapping big fellow was brought to the station the other night for being drunk and disorderly. On being questioned by the Inspector: " Your business ?" he scratched his head, and, after thinking awhile, answered : "My wife washes!"' " It seems to me, M»ria, we've bad nothing but ham, ham, ham fo* breakfast all this week,'' remarked Mr. Brently. " You forgot another thine we've had, Robert," replied the better half, quietly. "We've had growl, growl, growl for breakfast every day too." 4.4. " But I forgot your husband was ouch an active man." ' 'Active! If it weren't for me I don't believe he'd get up in time to go to bed." " Ah, wpII, that's better than some husbands, you know, who scarcely go to bed in time to get up." 4-4- --" I'm very glad my wife coaxed me into getting her a bicycle, ' said the lean passenger. " Makes her happy, eh?" asked the fat passenger. " She's so keen on ridnig that she isn't going to have the house done up this year." 4.4. At a cowboy's marriage, after the ceremony,the groom remarked: "Now's the time to s'Jute the bride. Step up, gentlemen ; efep up and help yourselves. Thi3 is yer last chance. Ther' ain"t nothing mean about me. I kin F.p;ir' a few, seeing as how I'm to hcv the hull crap, after the first pickin '." 4-4-Mr. .Newrieh went the other day to a highclass restaurant with his wife and two friends. Mrs. JNewnch, who had beeu brought up better than her iibuband, whispered to him: " Ask for a menu."' " One menu only?" responded her husband. "Certainly not; I intend to <lo the" thing well. Hi, waiter ! I say, menus fot four, and see that they are done to a tarn !" 4.4. Mrs. Saunders, a recently-married lady, had no practical knowledge of cooking, bnp she bought a cookery book, and made ap earnest efiort to overcome her deficiencies. "1 wish you would make me a lemon-pi* for dinner." snid Mr. Saunders, one day " My mother used to make such nice lento d pies.'' " Well, if you want any lemon pica, jop can get our mother to make them for you I'll not do it," she said warmly. " Why, I am surprised to hear you talk like that." " 1 don't care if you are surprised. I'm not goiny to burn myself for anyone. I waa reading; the recipe in the cookery book yesterday, and it, winds up: ' Then sit on a hot stove and stir constantly.' I expect everyone would Btir constantly while sitting on a hot stove, but I'm not going to make any expecj anenta. Catch me ait ling on a hot a&qv*!"