MARRIED IF NOT MATED.

Bruce Herald, Volume XXX, Issue 3038, 21 February 1899, Page 3

MARRIED IF NOT MATED.

FOREBODING. I should be lonely without you, dear. Wh\, even now, if you be not here For the shortest day, there's a certain lack Which does not banish OH you come back. And if you were gone for ever, dear, The aching throat and the hot, swift tear, Were a feeble vent; and a futile, due To tho aching absence, dear, of you. I should be so lonely without you, dear, Kiss mo again, so I know you're here. If I should reach for the old embrace, And my amis should close on a formica space, In the midst of the world and its holloi cheer, In the gayest of throng, I should thrill with fon-r — The fi'iir of tin: void which the world would bill' you won; gonn from earth and me. 1 (should be so lor el y without you, dear, Though 1 still might heed the passing year, Though I still might toil from sun to sun, What would it be when tho work was done ? You would not see and you could not share, And who, of the rest, would really care ? And if I were gone and 'twuru you were left, I know your breast were as much bereft; And though God were good and seraphs near, If I were away, while you were here, I should be so^lonely without you, dear. — J. Edmund V. Cooke. •$• THEY USUALLY DO LEA«N. " You ami your wife didnM, pway anywhere this summer ?" asked Anderson of Stone. ',' Not particularly." repJiwd Stone cautiously. " You didn't go last year, did you ?" " No, but I ilon't know whether I can work it another." "Why, have you got any scheme to circumvent it '! "If you have, for goodness sake let me into it." " Well, it's this waSf. 1 have always allowed my wife so much cash for her own use and the use of the house, and blic has always spent it. Last year I told her 1 hadn't the money to spend in a summer trip, unless she could nave a little on her allowance to .help me out." " And she didn't do it, or you would have gone, of course ?" interrupted Anderson. " That's when; you'iv on," continued the wretched husband; " she saved and s;ivw|, and rciiorti-.il to me every week, and I kept telling her we would go when she h;id a few more dollars. She kept aht a ' ' ■< i\mnocent simplicity, and, finally. :'• I concluded we had -enough to met I ii> iwpenses it was too late to go, and 1 was ahead just that much. ' "Great head!" rxi-laimcd Anderson. " You'll work it again that way, of course '!" " Don't know," sighed Stone, '• she's a year older now, and a young wife learns an awful quantity about her husband in that time, if she wants to." «O>o. A Cool Reception.- -Mrs. Huzby: Was it very hot here when I was in the country ? Mr. liuzby: Yes; but it scold enough now you're home again, Maria. Bride (putting on travelling dress): Did I look nervous at all durinji the ceremony, .Kitte V Kate (bride's eldc-t sister): A little at first, but not after Alfred had said ' Yes.' " She takes after her father. She has got his hair," remarked tlu; visitor. " Ko, the baby doesn't," interrupted little Tommy. " It's ma who took after pa and got' the hair. She got a whole handful of it." The look the parents ga%c Tommy made the visitor's blood run c< Id. •»» A Heartless Retort. — Wife : Haven't I suffered in a thousand \\a_\s sinco I married yen ? Heartless Husband: There is one way you haven't. Wife (indignantly) : In what way is that ? Heartless Husband: In silence. • <$■» Slightly Improved Quarters.—-" How arc you getting along ? ' atrked a widow oS her late husband, who appeared to her at mid night as a ghost. Ghost: Very well, indeed — much better than during my twenty years of married life on earth. Widow (delighted): Then you are in Heaven ? " Oh, no." •«• lie Let Things Hun.— •' See heiv, " said a fault-finding husband to his wife, " we must have things arranged in this house so that we hl\all know just where everything is kept." •' With aFI irvy heart." she sweetly an-B.wiiPccC-J'aild let us- Itejgin with yo.ur late hours, my 1otc;'I should <lf;,rly liku to know wbew tljev aFe "kfy^ ■ ' H« Tot U»ngs run no at usual. IvLr. Buckley. Go^j; to leaye, J ain.es WTiy, what \p your grncvajKt- ' James: Hi cant put up wi' Ui" missus hany longer, sii. Mr. Buckley: But. just think, James, how long I've put with her. James: Yes, sir— quite true, sir. Hut— becTgin'. ycr pardon, sir— if 1 might b^so bold, sir— it's my hopinion, sir, as how you ain't exactly a free hagent, sir. *«* " Don't you think I look killing V" inquired Mrs. Biasfohls, as she entered the room in a ne»v bi i<k >hi-t eohtume. Mrs. liiasfohis is what one ujight call decidedly plump; and when Biastolds calmly replied, " Yes, my <!car. you look fat snough to kill, i f tIHTt is whal you in. ■an." it was not unnatural that Mrs. B. should flounce out of the apa ■inii'nt with a ve.y Hushed face and a quivering tongue. »«.■• A gentleman goes to au armourer's and. asks for a revolver. " Here's a real nice family weapon," says the clerk. " Family weapon !" " Yes, family weapon; just the thing for domestic tragedies; six-shooter, you see, hir —two bullets for^your wife, two bullets for the destroyer of your happiness, two for yourself. All the go, sir. Sell hundreds of 'em for bridal presents, sir." •$• Suspicion Aroused. — " It wasn't that!" exclaimed Mr. Sanders, indignantly. " You see, I didn't say a word at all." " Uow'd she find out, then V" asked one of the party. '• Why, I went home and she asked if it was me. 1 told her it w^s. Took the chances on that, you know*. Then she asked me if I'd been drinking. I told her no. And there I stopped. Never said another word." " But you say she caught on somewhere. How was that- V" " Just a blunder I made. When I told her 1 h.idn't drank anything, she was satisfied, but when T came t» go to bed 1 put on my overcoat instead of my night-shirt And that , excited suspi'-ion-"