Wit and Humour.

Bruce Herald, Volume XXI, Issue 2178, 27 June 1890, Page 6

Wit and Humour.

" It is a solemn thing to he ma- ried." eaid Aunt Rae* el, a gravt> spinstor. to her niece. " I»'s a gool deal more solemn not to be," said the merry girl.

" What is your idea of a gentleman, Yellowly P " "A true gentleman always laughs at the joke of a story, and never says fchat he heard it before."

It is well enough to say that 13 iB an unlucky number, but America started in business with 13 Stites, and seems to be still holding ber own.

" You're the moßt curious woman I ever heard of," said a boy to his mother ; "you tell me that I have a bad temper, and yet blame me for losing ifc."

Tailor — " The fashionable spring coat, sir, has but three buttons." Old Customer — "Put on the usual number ; they will get down to three soon enough."

Minister (making a oall) — " And do you always do as your mamma tells you to do, Flossie P " Flossie (emphatically)—" I guess I do, and so does papa."

Franklin 0., "is excited over a new-born babe, whose head is seven times the normal size. Chicago is fche only city in the country in which that child oan be successfully reared.

Smith (a physician) — " I tell you doctors are a necessity, but lawyers are not." Briefs — " They are not ? How do you make that out P " Smith — " Because necessity knows no law."

" You've been riding a bioyole, I hear," said one clerk fco another. " Just for exercise, you know." "It has reduced your weight, I; think." " Yes, I have fallen off a great deal."

A. GOOD RULE. You will not have to argue long If you have tact and sleight ; The way to prove your neighbour wrong Is — prove that you are right.

" Johnny, I have discovered thafc you have taken more maple sugar than I gave you." " Yes, grandma ; I've been making believe there was another little boy spending the day' with me."

Carrie — " I know George loves me and wants me to be his wife." Hattie (her bosom friend) — " And how do you know ? " Carrie— " Because he has taken such a strong dislike to mamma."

A Western paper kindly supplies this, beautiful simile : — " You might as well try io shampoo an elephant with a thimbleful of soapsuds as attempt to do business and ignore advertising."

During the performance of a tragedy, a bald-headed gentleman, looking up into the gallery, said — '* My dear madam, I respect your emotion, but the truth is you are shedding tears on my head."

Despairing Lover (bitterly) — " I dare Bay it would rejoice you to see me blow out my brains right here?" Mocking Maiden — " No, it would not rejoice me, Louis, but it would certainly -surprise me."

" Why, I fchcught you were in the railroad acoident ?" " I was/-' " I heard the engine ran over you." "It did." " And that the baggage car fell on you." " Yes." " Well, you're a wonder. " No ; I'm a football player."

Little Dot—" Mamma, didn't p»p:» say General Greely predicted high winds for today ?" Mamma — " Yes, my dear; he read it in the paper." Little Dot— " Wellj they isn't bigh afc all. Thoy is so low down they 'most blowed ms over."

A devotee lamented to her confessor her love of gambling. " A'l, madam," replied fche priest, " it is a grievous am. In the first place, consider the great loss of time." " Yes," replied the fair penitent, " I have often grudged tho time thafc is lost io shuffling and dealing."

Mrs Toto (stricfcly temperate) — "Why, you know, Mr Lusher, tbat I am so conscientious in my temperate principles that TOever allow my cook to put brandy in the mince pies I " Lusher — " It does you credit, madam— great credit. I agree with you. It does seem like a waste of good liquor to put it into pies."

" Mr De Blinks ia a very intellectual young man," said a young lady to a gentleman who had called to see her. "Do you think so ? " " Why, of courae. It seems to me that he is a very hard thinker." " Well, when I come to consider, I believe he is. I never knew another man who thought wifch so much difficulty."

" How is money ? " said a middle-aged man, wearing a withered looking Prince Albert coat, as he entered the office of a well-known broker. "Is there much of a demand for it now ? " " No, sir. Very slight demand." "Ah I In that case perhaps you can accommodate me with ten oents to get a night's lodging with."