THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXX, Issue 108, 10 May 1939, Page 10

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MEN ABOUT TOWN.) Talking of the "flit-wit" type of etory, the following seems to qualify for a place on the list. Paddy was entertaining , a visitor at ■hie home. "Mick," said SOCKS. he, "I must show you the soeke me dear old mother sent me from Ireland—two pairs and knitted with her own hands." The host disappeared into another rodm and returned with two socks, one brown and one preen. "But, Pat," «aid the surprised guest, "one is brown and the other green." "Sure, my hoy," came the reply, "but the poor old lady is getting on in years. Aβ a, matter of fact, the other pair is juet the same."—B.C.H.

Most people have a gift for remembering unimportant facts, such as. the ferry clock having diamonds instead of figures on the face, or the social security A MOUTHFUL, coupon for the next quarter being green. I am gifted that way, too. For example, it may interest "T.C." ",to know that just offhand T can recall two words which are longer than niitid/.-establishmentarianism. They are transiiur; i) ifiia ii lmnda nuality and antichurchdise.--tablnlimentarianUni. Yon will observe that tlie last word contains nix h-tters moit than the word which "S.C." thought was the longest. Of course, if you <lo not take my word at its face value and decide to consult the Concise Oxford Dictionary, you will find thiit Hie two words I mention are not listed— lint then neither is iKin. So what? Anyhow, most taxpayers know shorter and more expressive words.— Uncle Joe.

"SERVICE!" Can't stick the pain no lonerer. Rut the dentist, lie's a rnus; The next bet with the bookie Ts much better than a tus! Then there's the Great Northern. And the Steeples to pick, too! I can't miss a. sinsrle one— For that would never do: ("Jot to have some money * For the racecourse and a beer: With this darned toothache rasing one must have a little cheer! The srroeer and the dentist Don't really need their due— How they'll pav their monthly bills, noil—that's their funeral, too: I know it costs a pile for For what they sell and know— To feed and ease us laymen Of our hunger and our woe-J->ut let that make no difference— I H or they're always there —and so I know they'll still pive service Even if I haven't any "dough"! Oh, dear, there's that tooth again. Its after hours, tooOuess I'll pull the dentist out lnen tell him what to do! —GUMDIGGER. I met a man the other evening who is a music teacher. I always imagined music teachers so different to this gentleman Lon~ MUSIC TEACHER. S^T^^X

one sees port raved in the ! comic papers. But this musician "was bald i tiny slits for eyes, and a merry, humorous I face. He entertained everyone in the room, I not by playing Rllbinoffski's Sonata in Fb I Opus 1001, but by telling of the funny children' ! who oonie to him for music lemons. One i bright child asked him how much would a good teacher charge. Another said he had .seen some underpants in a window along the road and they could be bought quite cheaply ; because they were moth-eaten. The youngsteV ! went to some trouble to explain which, window my new acquaintance was to go to' if he intended buying them. The man of the key|'board asked another small .child (a girl this time) why she had come to him for lessons; I had he been recommended? "Oh, no," said I the cherub, "mumniie went to a lot of music J teachers first, but she decided on you because J she liked your face # best." The cream of the lot, though, was the one who said, "You must make an awful lot of money; you work in . the davtiine, give music lessons at night, and J I expect you draw the old age pension." The music teacher, I should say, is about forty. H.M. I _____ I One day last week I suddenly realised that j it was time to do my duty to my country. With my wife, two daughters aged 19 (affectionately known as REGISTERING, the "Bill Massey Twins"), and my soil of 17 yeare, I I made my way to the office reserved for Social Security registration. I was amazed at the arrangements made for the comfort and j convenience of client*. Selecting a comfortable chesterfield, 1 sat down to look around; and was trying to spell "organisation" when a livened attendant approached, handed me a cigar and a small neat box, which with a I proud smile, he aeked me tp open. In it I I discovered a small bottle of iodine, one dozen j No. 9 pills, a small piece of lint and a baby's dummy. On the lid was inscribed, in cold letters, "The Xew Zealand Free Medical'and -Maternity Service" (made in Japan). The attendant touched my shoulder and said, I hats the Government's answer to the doctors, mister: do without the blio-htcrs altogether, eh?" Muttering, "Splendid" I I staggered over to the long counter, behind j which wns a row of smiling young men J Selecting the busiest of these, I said, "I'm I sorry to trouble you ." But he interrupted me with a laugh. "Xot at all sir. I know [exactly what you want. Any family, sir?" I waved a hand towards my wife and" familv Ah! This will be quite interesting," he said. 'I can see that some will have to' register but pay nothing. Others will have to pay something but not register, and some will "have to do both. To make it more interesting, we have invented a game which we call, as a juke of course, 'stoush.' You see thps« little coloured hooka? Well pick one," I did so. "Sorry," he said, ''you lose, that'll cost you a quid; try again." I chose another colour. "You win that time, sir, you get the book, and it costs you nothing." We played for half an hour or «o, until I had lost a l>olll £2, without being any the wiser as to the rules of the game. So I gently suggested, "Suppose you haven't timo to slip out for asp ." "Oh! rather," he said. "Always time to oblige a valued client." To make a long story short, we adjourned to an adjacent milk-bar, and over our "shakes" (Mr. Xash had prohibited whisky and tinned salmon a few days previously), T found my companion a most intelligent and interesting youth. He commenced by asking what I thought of Mr. Xash's trip Home. I replied that I thought it was a practice of Ministers of the Crown to go Home at least once a year. He laughed. "Haven't you heard that the Old Country is getting into a most awful financial mess? Spending millions on aeroplanes. gun«. etc., until they don't know which way to turn for money. So thev have sent for Mr. Xash I to get them out." Rather breathlessly I : murmured something about the defence of ' •'God's Own." I might have got a lot more inside information if at this stage I hadn't : heard my wife calling, "Oh do get up dad, or you'll be late with the milking."—Jim, the Milker. j A THOUGHT FOR TO-DAY. In the battle of life are we all going to try for the honours of championship? if we can do our duty, if we can keep our place ' pretty honourably through the combat, let us say Laus Deo! at the end of it, as the firing ceases and the night falls over the fi>ld. . . . We may not win the baton or epaulettes, but j God give us strength to guard the honour of the flag.—W. M. Thackeray. 1