In Mamriar Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXVI, Issue 307, 28 December 1935, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Mamriar Mood

i PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. i

! For the best Anecdote sent in each week j ! a prize of five shillings is awarded j !• The prize this week goes to R. Rylie, j !; Church Street, Devonport, for "Red j !| Oil Needed." J

RED OIL NEEDED. It was dark when she stopped at the roadside garage. ~,,:, •, " I want a quart of red oil," <*e said. "R—r—red oil?" the man gasped. " Yes, please. My tail light has gone out." "So you wouldn't begin a journey on Friday? I thought you said you were not superstitious?" "I'm not; Saturday's pay day." Old Colonel: Yes, sir, when we were ambushed we got out without losing a man, a horse, or a gun, or Voice: A minute. Teacher: What is the meaning of the word "leisure"? ' Pupil: It is the name of the place where married people repent. "I have always had a presentiment," said Miss Pahseigh, "that I should die voung." "Well, dearie," remarked her kind "woman friend, "you didn't have to after all, did you?" The Villain: Ha! Is that a daggar I sec before me? Stage Hand (from: behind): No guv'nor it's the putty-knife. We couldn't find the dagger. Ethel: Jack Hubbard told me a long storv last night. Kitty: Is he an interesting story teller? Ethel: I should say so! He held his audience from start to finish. A sporting gentleman, meeting an old angler, who was a persevering but unsuccessful hand, asked: "How are the fish in these parts?" "Well," replied the old man grimly, "I really don't know. I dropped them a. line every day last week, but I've got no reply yet."

Master of the House: I've been waiting for you just one hour. Mistress of the House: Before we were married you said that you would be willing, like Jacob, to wait for me twice seven years.

Master (five years married): I only wish I had.

An old reprobate decided to repent, and announced to everyone that whatever wrong he had done should be made right. A man whom he had cheated of large sums of money went at midnight to demand it. "But why did you come at this hour and wake me up? Why not wait till to-morrow?" "I came early," replied the man, "to avoid the crush." "Yes, ma'am," said Harry the tramp, "I know I look like a strong man, but out of my fifty years of life I've spent over sixteen years in bed." Why, you poor man," replied the lady, sympathetically, handing him a sixpence. "What has been the trouble —paralysis?" "No, ma'am," said Harry, "jest a regular habit of sleeping eight hours a day, ma'am."

Jones: Hello Smith! How are you? Haven't seen you in the garden for quite a time, and you never come and see the wife and me now. Why is that? Smith: Well, old chap, it's not through ill-will or bad feeling, or anything like that, you know; only you and Mrs. Jones have borrowed so many things from me that when I see your place it makes me feel quite homesick. .

"Don't give me such wordy reports when you make them out in future," said tho railway inspector to the line overseer. "Just put down the condition of the track as you find it. Leave out everything that isn't to the point. I want a business letter, not a novel." The overseer replied that he grasped the idea. A few days later the line was badly flooded and the overseer wrote his report to the inspector in the new style. It read: "Where the railway was the river is."

cAnecdotes and Stories ;;

IT CERTAINLY WAS. A man playing a round of <mlf a. off with a mishtv sweep I? f t soared into the air. It' ball, however, but a bi'clodV $* '•Extraordinary!" grunted the B & "Yea, sir," agreed the caddie «& seem a bit out of the common!"

SUGGESTIONS WANTED. The doctor told the film actre4 tfet she was run down and needed a chaii* "A change !" said she. "Do von i-n that during the last eighteen months r? B ' had three husbands, four ears, W jewel robberies, eleven cooks tw divorces and seven landlords•' WW other change can you suggest J"' ' READY FOR THE TEST. ' Enthusiastic youth (to elderly aunt watching schools' ci-icket match)- all that fellow over there? That's Brown our best bowler. Last week he faint three wickets for four! mK Elderly aunt (emphatically): Twit's quite time he had his eyes attended ' MUGS' GAME. Tho chairman had been doin" hig best at the. presentation of jubilee cup* to tha school children to make the speech a dignified one, but towards the end ha was labouring heavily. "And when vou grow up and look at these mu<*s" ha concluded . "they will alwavs remind you ' of the councillors who gave them to you." PINCHED.' Constable: That's dangerous drivingdisregarding signals; smell of drinklights not on; number plate obscuredno driving license. Seems you will be charged with every motoring offence Occupant of car: Well, while we're ' about it, there's one other—l pinched the car. AN APT DEFINITION. Two small boys halted before a brass plate fixed on the front of a house whereon was described in hold letters the word "chiropodist." "Chirrupodist!" remarked one of them puzzled. "What's 'that?" ' "Why," remarked his companion, "a chirrupodist is a fellow who teaches canaries to whistle." THE DIFFERENCE. The difference between an optimist and a pessimist, says a sage from "down under," is this: When they both look at a little jug at the end of a tea table, one savs "I s'oose there's no milk "in that jug?" That's the pessimist. The optimist says "Please pass the cream!" MORE TO THE POINT. Pedlar: Would you like to buy one of my mottoes, "May Our Home be Blessed," or "Eat, Drink and be Merry?" Mrs. Skinnum (who keeps a boardinghouse) : No, but if you have any "Curb Your Appetite," "Eat in Moderation," "Gluttony is a Sin," "Pay Thy Debts," or "Don't Keep Late Hours," I'll take a dozen. DIDN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE. Mrs. Green: So poor old Jones, the baker, has gone at last. Consumption, the doctor told me it was. Mrs. Bean: That's strange. There never was any consumption in the family. Mrs. Green: That don't make any difference. My poor husband was carried off by gastric fever, and we never had any gas in the house; we always burned candles and paraffin. BAD TIME-KEEPING. The butler approached the gardener with a worried look on his face. "I'm in a bit of a fix this morning, Mr. Wood." he said. "What's the matter?" asked the gardener. "It's the young master," explained tha butler. "He had rather a night of it, and he told me to rouse him at six o'clock, as he wanted to see some of the horses at exercise." "Well, that was simple enough." "No, it isn't," complained the butler. "You see, he didn't go to bed till 6.30.' NEARER THE MARK. He had been living for some time in the hotel, but as yet he had shown no sign of payment. At the end of the month the proprietor approached him on the subject. , "I never pay any bills till I go!' said the young man, haughtily. "I'm trusted everywhere—in fact, I'm one of the lions of society!" The proprietor grimaced. "One of the lions!" he echoed. "Well, I've just heard from the landlord of the last place , you stayed at that you're one of the 'cheetahs.' " HIS JOB. A junior in a; city office approached Ml employer. "If you please, sir—" . "Well, Jones." "My grandmother sir—" "Ha, ha, your grandmother. Go on, Jones." * «.,.'» "My grandmother and my motner--"What! And your mother, too? ma. xerv ill, eh?" , v "No, sir, my grandmother and my mother are going to the match alter dinner, and they want to stay a« home and mind my brother." He minded his brother.