THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXV, Issue 150, 27 June 1934, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.)

Dear M.A.T.,—Another injustice to Scotland. Your column is so widely read that I hasten to suppress the smiles raised by your remark that the THAT'S RIGHT! Duke of Argyll erected scratching posts for the people. May I state that the Duke of Argyll erected signposts and shortly after the posts were erected Scotland was by an epidemic of fleas, presumably from imported Russian hemp? So the signposts were very handv and hence the saying "God_ bless the Duke of Argyll." Kegards.-Old-Timer. Dear M.A.T.,—It is no doubt hard for the guidwife of the average household to refuse to buy from itinerant salesmen all that is offered at the door, but "the exTHE SURPRISE, cueably peevish" housewife mentioned in your "Food of Love" par is no rarity. After half a dozen of these hard-working and hardwalking chaps—and they really are so—had called at a certain suburban villa and the lady of the household had to them all said. "Nay," she turned upon her out-of-work husband and said, "You can go to the door when the next man knocks." A polite rat-a-tat on the door, and obedient hubby opens it with. "Sorry, old chap, nothin' doin'," on the tip of his tongue, but the cajler forestalled him by asking, "Are you Mr. X—f and after the soft impeachment was admitted, Oh, well, here's a summons for" you." Now, wasnt that hard luck?—A.L.D. Invalids and other natators at Rotorua and elsewhere in our Sheol districts find consolation and solace in comparing disorders, and in the long evenings OUT OF people from all parts of THE BLUE, the world sit over their. cigarettes or pipes thoroughly enjoying each other's ailments. One hears from a friend whose leg is far, far better than ho could ever have hoped that a tremendously keen American, apparently in the best of health, combed the possibilities of every euro by persistent inquiry from people who were undergoing them. In the matter of the Blue Bath he would waylay anyone who emerged from that celebrated cure with the invariable question, "And what do you take the Blue Bath for?" Of course, he got every kind of answer, ranging from rheumatism to appendicitis. But one day he met a man coming out who glowed like the sun and who appeared as fresh as the morning. Anxiously the American halted him with, "Excuse me, sir, but what do you take the Blue Bath for?" And the man with the fine, fresh complexion replied with hardly a smile: "Oh, I took it because I' wanted a bath—this 'is my first chance for three months"—and bursting into song, hastened towards his boardinghouse and a large lunch. Here is a heartbreaking envelope which with its contents had been sent to an Australian address and has now been returned to the sobbing sender in THE GREAT this city. One day, his SORROW, heart in tune with the infinite, he read that by the investment of a small sum in a philanthropic Australian art union he might receive five thousand pounds—and so he sent his letter and the indicated sum to the address. All very simple, common, usual and colonial. He toyed with that five thousand pounds in spirit. And on the day that-he had practically spent the whole sum (in his mind) and was ready to send for other five thousands, this heartbreaking envelope addressed in his own handwriting was delivered to him. With contemplated diabolism, the authorities practically preclude this young investor from making five thousand pounds. In. the centre of the envelope the sinister word (in red) "Prohibited" glares at one and there is a pencilled official circle to emphasise this hopelessness. Outside the charmed circle there appears in characteristic purple "Prohibited Address." Inside was, of course, the heartbroken client's original letter, money and what not, but in the heart of the man without five thousand pounds there is sorrow inconsolable. He has been beaten by those nosey authorities for a trip to England—perhaps.

A man smoker who has masticated the stem of successive pipes for fifty-five years and who is not in the least annoyed with modern women, mentions FOURTEEN that in a Remnera tram SCHOOLGIRLS, on a recent morning there were fourteen schoolgirls in the smoking end. Ho attributes this irruption of girls into a smoking apartment primarily to the fact that the smoking end was at the rear and that, of course, people naturally mount a car at that end and sink into the first vacant seat in sight. On the other hand, he is aware that at the moment a peculiarly aggravating cold and cough is epidemic and that intensive smoking is assumed to render noxious microbes innocuous. The ripe authority says, too, that although schoolgirls occupy space that might be clouded by fourteen men all exuding microbe-killing fumes, any girl noting a man with black twist in his left hand, a dark and forbidding pipe between his teeth and a stained pocket knife iu his right hand, immediately rises, permitting the man to get on with his hygienic duty. Like present scribe, however, up to now he has not seen either a schoolgirl or her mother engaged in the incineration of the acrid weed in either end of any tram, and as yet no civic authority in any Empire town has insisted that any person in a smoking compartment is bound to smoke. They may remain in a "smoker" for purely hygienic reasons. The lifeboat motto "Women and children first" is, of course, the tramcar motto, too. Coincident with the publication of a news story declaring that Fritz has invented a system for doing without wool, there appeared the portrait of a gentleLEATHERNECK. man in the "Star" who may be affected by the invention—the front elevation of a perfect Merino ram worth, any fancy price from hundreds to thousands and liable to be treated with greater consideration than a sunburnt stockman, or the selected shearer who shears him. One refrains from becoming poetic about Merino rams, but they have made Australia what she is, and this" is merely to mention that a really earnest set-to between two lords of the paddock is a sight for the gods. Natur.ally a ram whose market price may be fifteen hundred pounds or so is not allowed in the ring if it can be prevented, and, as a matter of fact, rams do not invariably fight each other. Once, however, two of these gentlemen become peeved over family matters they fight a l'outrance, and it is worth watching. These solemn mountains of energy back carefully like bowlers about to administer that famous spin, lower their heads, take aim, and gallop to the attack. Ordinarily the smack of their skulls can be heard for a mile or so, and repetitive smacks often leave the corpse of the loser lying with a cracked skull among the beauties of Nature. Such tragedies are invariably serious, for in the matter of cumulative fatherhood the Merino gentleman seems unsurpassed. A THOUGHT FOR TO-DAY. Times are bad, but in such times a bid for confidence can be of the greatest value.—Major J. J. Astor.