IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LXII, Issue 102, 2 May 1931, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN MERRIER MOOD

|sy|» Prize for Best Story '" F" or tne b eßt a nec^ote fFPi ' n wee k ». P**J* HI of Five Shillings will be awarded- While_ in ■ - ■ judging preference will be given to local stories, 111 contribution, need not be original, but in all cases the -h * aoarce from which taken should be stated The Editor s ;;: !!! decision must be regarded as final All anecdotes intended jjj ill for competition must be received at this omce by tha jj! Monday preceding publication. The envelopes contain- jjj ing contributions must be endorsed with the words js j: "Anecdote" in the top left-hand corner, and addresared :jj ::! Editor, "The Auckland Star," Auckland. , jjj HI l ■— ; — ——j ijj

The prize this week goes to Miss A. Tracey, St. Helier's Bay, for: SO BAD. "I hope that's a nice book for you to read darling," said a conscientious mother to her very young daughter. "Oh, yes, mummy, it's a lovely book, but I don't think you would like it. It's so sad at the end." "How is it sad, dear?" "Well, she dies, and he has to go back to his wife." HELPFUL. Librarian: What is the title of the book you're looking for? Flapper: I'm not quite sure. I know it begins with "The." PERHAPS. Nervous Woman (to persistent beggar) : If I give you a piece of my pudding you will never return, will you? Beggar: Well, lady, you know your puddin' better than I do. THEY DID. A doctor one day called to find out whether the pills he had given a mother for her little boy the day before had helped to make him better. "Oh, yes," the lady replied. "Tommy's been sitting up all day as happy as anything playing marbles with them." LET DOWlt Prison "Visitor (sympathetically) c Now my good man, what brought you here? Convict: Mistaken confidence. Prison Visitor: Keally? In whom were you deceived? Convict: Myself. I thought I-could-run faster. SADLY MISTAKEN. Eetired Colonel (to new postman) i Good morning, postman. Have you been on this round long? Postman: Only a few days, sir. Colonel: Do you smoke? Postman (with visions of tobacco or cigars on the way): Yes, sir. Colonel: Well, in future, don't throw your match-stalks on the drive. HE KNEW. The chemjst had left his new assistant in charge while he went out. "Anybody been?" "Yes, a lady wanting something that would make a dark tablecloth light. I sold her some benzine and methylated spirits." "But that won't make a dark tablecloth light," exclaimed the chemist. "Oh, won't it?" replied the youth. "Wait until she gets a match near it." A SOFT ANSWER. A well-known cleric js a very great smoker. Most of the male members of his flock are pleased with this and join him, when opportunity occurs, in a pipe. One old lady, a member of his congregation, was very shocked, and hearing the cleric's eon had sent him a present of a box of cigars for his birthday, taxed him with the fact. "Yes," said the minister. "I did get a box of cigars from my son, who is away in college, but I burned them all!" A NARROW ESCAPE. Bill and Bob were engaged upon a little burgling job. Bill was keeping watch at the street corner, whilst Bob operated inside a large house. After being inside for only a few moments, however. Bob rejoined his pal at the corner. "Been quick, ain't yer " the watcher asked. "Did yer gat anyfink?" "No," Bob panted in reply, "that there 'ouse belongs to Grabbe —the big lawyer bloke, yer know?" "Old Grabbe's 'ouse?" Bill exclaimed in horror. "Did yer lose anyfink?" GEORGE AND THE DRAGON. Two road transport drivers were exchanging experiences about the different "digs" they had stayed at, and one of them spoke most highly of a hotel called the "George and Dragon," in a certain town. His friend agreed to try it and the next time he was passing that way he brought his truck to a standstill outside the door. It was about 1 a.m., and although he did not wish to put up for the night, he wanted some petrol. After thumping the door for about five minutes an upper window was opened, a head and shoulders appeared, and a woman's voice demanded in an aggressive tone "who he thought he was and what he meant by waking the place up at that time of night. The man realised at once that the hotel must have changed hands since his friend was there, so after a sharp exchange of words he asked: I suppose this is the "George and Dragon ?" • "Yes, it is," said the woman. "Then," replied the other sweetly, "may I speak to George?"

Tramp: Do you buy rags and txmes? Dealer: Yes. Tramp: Then how much will yoa-gwe for me? Caddie: D'you 'ave a Igh tee, tnrt Golfer: Wot's it matter to you if I 'as a 'igh tea or a late dinner? Yon put the ball on the 'ump. "Excuse me," said the girl with the' collecting box, *%ut would you mind helping the Working Girls' Home?" "Bather," said the bright young man. ''Where'are they?" Foreman (testing wall in new hoose): I'm speaking quietly, BilL Can you hear me? Bill (on the other side): "Ear; yer?, Lumme, I can see yer in three places. He: What makes you think I wasn't (behaving last night? She: Well, you were faying to get the cuckoo clock and the canaryj to sing a duet. Lady (eut shopping wiffi *BI gentteman): Do you like bananas? Old Gentleman (hard of No, thank you- I prefer the old-fashioned night-shirt. Director; Look here, are yotMs-iffieeeter. of this firm or are yon not? \ Foreman: No, I'm not; but—* Director: Very well, then, if yorfre not, don't stand there talking Eke an idiot! , . . A colonial bishop had. been speaking with some feeling about the use of cosmetics by girls. "The more experience I have ef np-' stick," he warmly declared, •'the more distasteful I find it."

Wife (at 2 a.icu): Wake op, John, wake up! There's a burglar iii the next room. , Husband (sleepily)* Well, IV© no revolver. You go in and look daggers at him. "Why were you kept in at school?" asked hia father. "'Cos I didn't know where the Nile was." "Well, in future just remember where you put things." "I say, can I marry your- daughter ?" "You—you—marry my daughter? What! Are you mad?" "Now, come, you mustn't talk like that. You're prejudiced against the girl. She's all right, really." One Sunday morning the ;eicar, addressing his congregation, said: "The fluids of the church are very low. We have tried hard to raise money* in the usual way. We have tried honestly. Now we'll see what a bazaar can do. 1 ' Caller: Look here, I want to see you about this paragraph announcing my resignation from the Chamber of Commerce. Editor: But it's quite true, isn't it? Caller: Quite; but I should like you to explain why you've printed it under "Public Improvements." "Oh, thank you!" exclaimed a lady - to a navvy who had given her his seat in a crowded tram; ''thank you, very much." "That's orl right, mum," replied the nawy "Wot I ses is, a gentleman never ort to let a woman stand. Some gentlemen never gets up unless she's 'andsome; but, you see, mum, I don't take no notice o' looks."