MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LVI, Issue 32, 7 February 1925, Page 18

MERRIER MOMENTS.

■iliviii tieuvcns: Tlif iinliy *..\,ilhi«cd . a haii|iiii." "Wei;, ulmt "i it* A hairpin is m n -< 1 ii-c i • anybody iiowadny?." "W'ii: .ni , vein i-rying for. my i.ni " jm»Ht." Scene: A railway Marion. KxcitPCl rdd liiily: "i'ortor. porter; I've lost, my Inggiige!" Porte; lealmlr): a |iurtPV." "Why, dad, this is rna-i beef." exj claimed "Willie a' dinner mir evening, when a guest of liononv was present. Of course," said his lathe;-. "What '■at iliiii:" , "Why, yon told mother tiii« nmrnjng i iai you were going So bring an nld : mutton-head home for dinne: thii WitlioiH -.insulting nn\ of ;he aiitiioritie* on fti.piotio, says il New York J Doilo." •■-■■■ «ill answer iho question, j "When is the proper time for a man to I lift or remove his hatf for the benefit ■mi our readers. At. the following times and on the I following occasions, respectfully, the hat should be removed or lifted 35 the circumstances indicate: When mopping the I brow, when taking a bath, when eating. I whe.n going to bed. whe.n Inking up a ■ collection, when having the hair trimmed. ; when being shampooed, and when standI injr on the head. The two American politicians with pistols in (heir hands wore, having a quiet discussion on graft. The man with the largest, revolver said to the man with the small revolver and the bottle of vitriol protruding from hie poekef: — i ".Say. you involuted sarpint. you're going to pass away right now and when 1 they come to bury you they'll find you Iso durn crooked they'll have to tw«t -j you to get you imo your grave " j Just then a superior politician passed land offered them a million dollars each jto put up another graft. The three 1 headed for the nearest hooch palace arm !in arm. I , _

Servant: Vis, sorr, Mrs. Jones is In. What's yer name, sorr? Visitor: Professor Vanriprsrlinkenbeimor. "Och! Snre Ted better jro roight in and take it wid je." Must Be! "JMa, did you ever hear a rabbit bark? '"Rabbits don't bark, dear." "That's funny! Mr story book says that rabbits eat cabbage and bark." His Musical Career. Judge: What is your occupation? Hobo: I used to be an organist. Judge: A man of your talents com* to this? Why did you give it up? Hobo: The monkey died.

Reason Enough. "Why don't you yump, Yamie, eilied an old Dane to his son in a sinking fishing boat. "How can ay jump when ay've got no place to stood V Her Logic. Mrs. A. (on a holiday i.- Doesn't it worry you to have to write to your husband for more money? Mrs. B.: Not at all". If he's harm" a good time he owes it to mc, and if he isn't having a good time he has saved Knew Sandy. An American woman went io Scotland to visit some friends. TVhcn she returned one of he-r friends accompanied her. As they neared New York, the American woman said: '"In a little while we Bhall see Sandy Hook." "Oh!" said her Scottish friend. 'Do not tell mc when, because I am sure I would know a Scotsman fwywherc." A Smart Assistant. A shop assistant had shown and re- ' shown innumerable toys to an undecided |ady customer. Rabbits, monkey?, jaoks-in-the-box, jumping jacks, train?, 'bicycles—everything had been displayed, manipulated, operated, and explained, but still she could not make up her mind. "I wanted to pet something suitable for my little nephew." she reiterated for the hxmdrodlh time. '"Yes, madam.'' responded the weary assistant. "you told mc that when you came in, but 1 think your little nephew must have outgrown all the?p toys while you've been at the counter."

At this juncture, however, an unexpected bitcli suddenly manifested itself. Wunt occurred was, the parents of the late Thomas rticketts saw so little reason way ! wicked ■William should get off Scot free t lint, they presented a counter-petition. Moreover, they felt so strongly on tbe subject that they briefed couusel to arpie thf case. I'tire spite, declared public opinion. The Lord Privy Seal appeared to a?ree, f..r he dismissed the application. Before, however, the anxiously sought pardon could become really effective, it had this was their lsiKt chance. Mr. and Mrs. ltickctts made another ottnrt. and submitted I heir vir-wp to Lord Chancellor Hardwicke. The effiirt, however, was wasted on him. Quite unmoved, even by counsel's pathetic picture of twenty-six little brothers and sisters weeping for tin- young companion 'of whom they had thus been suddenly 'bereft, ami ri-fusin? to be comforted, he lorderi'd the llreat Seal to be affixed to *l>o pardon and William Chetwynd to appear in open t.'ourt to plead to it. The date appointed for this purpose was one in the 'folluwina February, and until then be was to continue laniruishlng in Newgate. It wns further ordered thnt the. eipeuses of the prosecution, indnding the payment of fees i,, the 1.nr.l i-linncllor. the Lord I'rlvy Seal, and the AMnrni-.v-Cienenil. etc., to--ether with the csts .if liis four months' Imprisonment, should be met by the accus.-d's family. These expenses amounted to nearly £1400; and. in addition, there was !he heavy cost of the defence. Altogether, an unfortunate .lay for her 'Husband's pocket when Mrs. rhetwynd, out lot the goodness of her Heart, decided to send a cake to her schoolboy Ron. I Thus the drama, which so nearly rtnvol'oped into a tragedy of The King r. ' Chetwynd.