MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LV, Issue 218, 13 September 1924, Page 18

MERRIER MOMENTS.

The battle hymn of the Kill the umpire!

The man who falls in love but ones is an egoist.

Husband (surveying garage bill): We must get a new car, dear; we simply can't afford an old one.

"What Goes Dp Must Come Down." Stocks. Temperatures. Price of landElevators. Airships. Hopes.

'Mother, what is a nincompoop?" S-s-sh! 'dear—your father may hcaf

True: How was tbe bathing at Fairport? Sue: Not very daring.

Mr Brown: Your wife get? a. grea-t deal of pleasure out of her garden. Mr. Smith: Yes, out of it.

The motor car has made picnicking easier. On the other hand, there iniuch to be said in its favour.

Women who have had babies, tireless cookers or major operations are never at a loss for conversation.

Golfer (as Colonel Blunderbore passes) —"New member, isn't he?" Caddie—"Yessir. ! E swore 'lsself in yesterday."

Burroughs: T asked you for a loan of £10; only five. Lenders: I know it is, but that's the fairest way; you lose five, and I lose five."

Alfred: Do you know, old fellow, that I've always had a wonderful ear for music? Ernest: Is that so? "Yes, at the age of two I used to play on the linoleum."

Professor (a little distracted): I'm glad to see you. How's your wife? But I'm not married. Ah, no; then, of course, your wife'B still single."

Woman at Willesden: My landlady annoys mc just because I am under notice to leave. Magistrate: How long is it since she gave you notice? Woman: Some years, sir.

"My dear young woman, it is well known that intellectual women are not good-looking." "And how would you classify mc?" "Why, you are not at all intellectual." "Oh, you flatterer." First Suburban Lady—"l've just been to the Royal Academy." Second Lady—"Don't you find it very tiring?" First Lady—"Oh, I only look at the men I want to see." Second Lady—"But how can you be sure of their all being there on the same day."

The Same Thing. Betty: Bobby Smith tried to kuN, mc. Mother: And what happened. '"He kissed mc." Good Lord. A certain lady had a lord for a guest. At dinner she was very attentive to him. Almost every sentence was, "My lord, may I help you to," etc. Her little son, observing the lord trying to get a pickle, shouted, "Ma, God wants a pickle" Discharged I Magistrate: The officer says you were going forty miles an hour. " " Suburbanite: I was, your Worship. 1 had just received word from an employment agency that they __4 found '» cook for mc who was sur« to stay at least two months. Magistrate (who also lives in the country) : Officer, give this gentleman my car. It does sixty. Let Mum Do It. As the rich man was motoring through a country district he noticed an old man seated outside a cottage with all.his furniture around him. "Poor old soul," the visitor said, stopping his car and giving the old gentleman a bank note. "What's your trouble; evicted, I suppose?" ut'2* 0 -' Bir '" was the mournful rpplv, It s just my old woman whitewashing.'' Old Masters. Having engaged a new maid from thcountry, her mistress, who lived in a hne house, was showing Mary Ellen round the various rooms and instructing her in her duties. At last they reached the best room, where the valuable pictures were kept. "Now," said the lady to the servant, as they passed before an extensive row of masculine portraits, "you must be careful when dusting these. They are all old masters."

Mary's jaw fell, am , an awestruc k look come over her face. "Lor! mum,- she j, aspedi «« w ho"d ever aye thought that you'd been married an them times?"'