ANECDOTES AND STORIES.

Auckland Star, Volume 55, Issue 22, 26 January 1924, Page 18

ANECDOTES AND STORIES.

A butler always annoyed his mistress (by announcing her visitors separately. For instance, instead of saying, "Mr. and Mrs. Kilkelly and the Misses Kilkelly," he would call out, "Mr. Kilkelly, Mrs. Kilkelly, Miss Norah Kilkelly, and Miss Kate Kilkelly," mentioning each member of the family by name. His mistress told him on her next "At Home" day to make the announcement shorter. As it happened, a Mr. and Mrs. Penny, with their grown-up son and a little daughter, I were the first to arrive, whereupon the I butler electrified his mistress by throw- : ing open the door and shouting, "Threel pence-halfpenny." I Lord Dewar, an enthusiastic big game I hunter, delights to tell the story of a Manchester business man who paid a I visit to a planter friend in Uganda, who l was a keen sportsman. Not without considerable misgiving the visitor allowed himself to be prevailed upon to go lion hunting. His first night in the jungle was a sleepless one. Next mornj ing the two friends started out early, j and had gone but a Bhort distance when j they came upon fresh tracks which the ! enthusiastic sportsman identified as j being those of a full-grown lion. "Tell ! you what we had better do," said the Manchester man brightly. "You go ahead and see where he went, and I'll go back and see where he came from!" AT LIMEHOtTSE. At a meeting in Limehouse during the British elections a Labour speaker I lashed himself into a frenzy in denouncing the "lies" of his political opponents. "Are you British working men," he asked, "going to take all this lying down?" "No." came the inevitable "voice," "the reporters are doing that:" UNREALITIES. The Queen of Norway, who recently celebrated her birthday, has a keen sense of humour, which sometimes finds original means of expression. For many years she used to collect newspaper cuttings concerning herself and her husband and paste them into scrap-books labelled "Thing 3we never did" and "Things we never said." NOT TKOM THE DECALOGUE. The teacher had been telling her class about the Ten Commandments. At the close of the lesson, to see how much attention the scholars had paid to her remarks, she asked if anyone could tell her a Commandment which contained four words. Up shot a little hand, and out piped a little voice, '"Keep off the grass,' miss." THE SIMPLE LIFE. Mr. Ralph Nevill, in his new book, "The World of Fashion," tells of a. luxurious nobleman, who, with ruin staring him in the face, blandly continued to be as extravagant as ever. "My dear fellow," said- an old friend, "I hope you don't mind my saying so, but it surely can't be necessary for you to keep a Italian pastry cook as well as a French chef?" "Damme, sir," was the reply, "things have come to a pretty pass when a man mayn't have a biscuit with his glass of sherry!" SHE DIDN'T KNOW. Perhaps the best story of the British elections has yet to be told, but this will take a lot of beating. When the Conservative candidate in a southern constituency arrived to address a meeting, the young stalwarts from the local Conservative club, who had taken their stand in the gallery, produced combs and paper, and proceeded to play "Keep the Home Fires Burning." The candidate's wife turned to a friend, who was on the platform, and, with a look of mild alarm upon her face, asked, "Is that 'The Red Flag* they are playing?" In defence of the lady it must be said that the rendering of the homely melody was not a very true one. A SIGNAL AT SEA. A romantic story is told concerning Lord Kelvin's marriage. When the famous scientist was on his schooner yacht Lalla Rookh in West Indian waters, he got up a system of simplifying the methods of signals at sea. He asked Miss Crumm, whom he greatly admired, and who was the daughter of his host, if she understood his code. She said she did. "If I sent you a signal," he asked, 'from my yacht, do you think you could read it and could answer?" "Well, I would try," she responded. The 6ignal was sent, and she did succeed in making it out and in transmitting the reply. The question was: "Will you marry mc V and the answer was: "Yes." PAVEMENT ARTISTS. Simeon Solomon, the erratic genius whom Burne-Jones called "the greatest artist of us all," had a spell as pavement artist. After getting over 50 works accepted by the Academy, Solomon drifted into bad ways, and oil the efforts of his friends failed to reclaim him. His efforts as a pavement artist on a pitch in the Brompton Road did not prove remunerative, so subsequently he took to hawking matches. One night in Aumist. IS!>5, Solomon was found unconscious in a court off Holborn; they took him to the nearest infirmary, and there, a week later, he died. ONE OE THE FAMILY. Colonel J. Sherwood Kelly, V.C., of Derbyshire, has found a r_an named Jack Johnson, for whom he has been searching seven years. Johnson, a stretcher-bearer, saved Colonel Kellv's life on the Somme. Colonel Kelly \vas bleeding to death from a lung wound, when Johnson carried him into hospital. Last week, while Colonel Kellywas speaking at Shirebrook, a woman went up to his wife and said, "We feel that your husband belongs to us, that he is one of our family." Mrs. Kelly answered: "I don't quite understand; who are you?" The woman replied, "My son is Jack Johnson." Johnson was not in the village at the time, but Colonel Kelly met him later. HIS PRE-WAR SUIT. Speaking at. a Liberal meeting at Horning, i n East Norfolk, Sir Robert Price, ex-M.P. for the constituency, was arguing that tariffs put up prices, and illustrated his point by saying that in former days if his clothes were a little worn he could buy a new suit, but now he had to send it to be cleaned and pressed. (A Voice: You have your best suit to-night, Bir, I expect.)" Sir Robert advanced towards his interrupter and. lowering his voice to a whisper, replied. "Pre-war." The audience laughed heartily, as they also did when Sir Robert, raising both arms aloft, turned round so that all might see the condition of his suit. "You don't work as you ought to have done or you would have worn it out." commented the interrupter. Sir Robert: I used to keep it as best .then. (Loud laughter.^