MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume L, Issue 176, 26 July 1919, Page 18

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Lawyer: "Did the defendant go home in the interim?" Witness: "No, eir. He went home in a taxi." Asked what the new baby's name was, little Jane replied: "We ain't 'cided yet, so we is just callin , her 'it' till we do." Fletcher: "Do you treat your cook as one of the family?" Andrewes: "Good gracious, no. I wouldn't dare!" Mr. Pipp: "That fellow T,ellum - le the biggest liar that lives. He's " Mrs. Pipp: "William, you forget yourself." It has always seemed .funny to us why a fellow says he keeps ibees. The truth of the matter is tlie 'bees keep themselves. All he does is rob 'em. "Yes, sir, one hour's uninterrupted reading each evening 'wtould make you —" "Uninterrupted! Where do you think my wife spends her evenings?" Cobwigger: If he's going to spend his holiday there again there must bo something nice about the place. Merritt: There is, but. he wouldn't tell mc her name. Temperance Orator: Why will you persist in drinking beer? Milk is far healthier. It contains all the elements of the human blood. Labourer: Praps it do; .but then, yer know, I ain't bloodthirsty! The lady in the underground railway was shocked. "Bobby," she said severely, "why don't you get up and give your seat to your father. Doesn't it pain you to see him reaching for a strap?" " Not in a tram," said Bobby. Angry Customer: Look here, waiter, I have juet found this trouser button in my soup. Waiter (with a beaming smile): Oh, thank you, sir; I couldn't think what had become of it. Guest: "Waiter, are you sure this is ox-tail soup?" Waiter: 'Tee, sir.' 1 Guest: "But I've found something that looks like a tooth in it." Waiter: "Well, I don't know, sir, but I recKon that ox must 'aye been biting; 'is tail." Annoyed Lady: "Why didn't you stop when I waved? I've noticed you before on this route —time after time you take' no notice of mc!" The Driver: "Bless mc, mum, would yer like mc to get down and kiss yer, in future?" "I punished you merely to show my love for you," said the fond father, after tho chastisement. •'T-that'e all right," sobbed the small boy. "But it's a g-g-good thing for you I ain't b-b-big enough fo return your M-love, thafe all." INFERENTIAL. Modest Young Lieutenant (reporting to CO. after a thrilling raid in ><o Man's Land): "Captain, I wish to report Private Hicks' conduct in the highest terms of praise. He is the bravest man in the world. He followed mc every place I went." A MYSTERY EXPLAINED. The minister met Tarn, the village ne'er-do-well, the other day and, much to hie surprise, shook him heartily by the hand. "I'm so glad you've turned over a new' leaf, Thomas," said the good man. "Mc!" returned Tarn, looking at him dubiously. "Yes—l was so pleased to see you at the prayer meeting last night." "Oh," said Tarn, a light breaking in on him, "co that's where I was, is it?" PROVED. Mrs Hartt: Yes, I have no doubt there are unhappy marriages, but really I cannot understand how they are possible. Now, there's George and I. we arc so devoted. He says he could not exist without mc, and I'm sure I Jive only for him. Mrs Greene: You really are to be congratulated, both of you. By the way, lion- long have you been married? Mrs Hartt: Just a week the day after to-morrow. THE OTHER PLACE. Novelist Booth Tarkington said at a I dinner in Chicago: A Chicago man once died and passed into the Great Beyond. A guide undertook to show him round. After a stroll of an hour or co he said, rather i contemptuously:— "Well, I've heard Heaven cracked up pretty considerable, but it ain't a darn bit different from Chicago." "Heaven?" said the guide. "This i 6 not Heaven." LOOKING FOR A GENTLEMAN. • Barrister: Now, sir, you have stated under oath that this man had the appearance of a gentleman. Will you be good enough to tell the jury how a gentleman looks, in your estimation? Down-trodden Witness: Well, cr —a gentleman looks—er—like—er Barrister: I don't want any of your "ers," sir; and remember that you are on your oath. Can you see anybody in this court-room who looks like a gentleman? Witness: I can if you'll 6tand out ot the way. MORE EASILY RECOGNISED. Preaching in one of the State capitals an Australian bishop noticed in his congregation a strange face. The following •Sunday the same individual appeared, and later in the week the bishop met him in the street. The bishop stopped him, congratulated him upon his attendance at the cathedral, and added, "You don't live here, do you?" "No," said the stranger. "I live way back," mentioning the name of the place. "Have you many Episcopalians there?" inquired the bishop. "No, sir," was the reply. '<What "we are mostly worried with is rabbits." SHE LOOKED NATURAL. The village photographer >wae losing patience with his lady patron. "Just a little smile, please," he said, dwelling somewhat on the last word. "A smile adds muoh to the artistic effect."'

The lady shook her head. "Of course if you'd rather," commenced the artist. "I would not," came from the direction of the headrest. "Our one layin' 'en died this mornin , , bacon's gone up tuppence a. pound, mother's had a couple of fits, my boy George has just broken a plateglass window, and my husband is in a military hospital with four or five pounds o' lead inside him. If you think I'm goin'to grin like a Cheshire cat when I'm nip against that shower ©' Measin'a you're scratchin' the iwrong pig. You gal; on vritb. it natural,, mister."