Merrier Moments

Auckland Star, Volume XLVI, Issue 229, 25 September 1915, Page 17

Merrier Moments

"Here, take tins ride." cried the' excited showman. "The leopard has escaped. If you find him. shoot him on | the spot." "Winch spot, sir?" gasped the new attendant. j Her Father: You've Iwen calling on my daughter for some time, young man. Why don't you come down to business' Suitor: Very well. How much are ' you going to leave her? j Lawyer.- Judge, I want you to fine this man, who was knocked down by mv client's car. i Judge: Fine him? Why ? j Lawyer: He had a nail in his clothes, and it punctured a new tyre. RATHER CuNFI NO. A Scottish minister, who was very fond of using the persona! pronoun, often used it wrongly. "H hen preaching a short tune ago he t.».k for his t.-\t : "The devil he going als.tit like a roar ' ing lion, seeking whom he may devour." "My friend-.' he said, '"we will divide our subject into three headings. Firstly, who the devil he was; secondly,: who the devil he was seeking; and, thirdly, what the devil l.c wmi roaring ateiut." ' The congregation also roared, but with laughter. : THE BITER BITTEN. ! An Irishman out in the wilds of Ire- [ land was sent to the town with a bag of gold to put in the bank for his master. (In the way he was stopped by 1 a rubber, who, pointing a revolver at Bats head, demanded the gold. Bat ga%e it him. "But what will I say w-hen I go home* They'll think I stole it," said Bat. "Suppose you fire a few shots through mc clothes'." "I will." said the robber. "Now. fire through mc cap." said Pat. "I've no more shots." said the robber. "Then hand mc the gold back, or I'll hat- the loifc out of ye wtd rot stick!" said Pat. HOT WEATHER HINTS. Ifon't eat anything. (hew it thoroughly. Don't drink ice water. 80, it. l.ot your wife have her way. (Jive voiir thermometer to your enemy. Avoid excursions, vacations, chautauquaa. Avoid strange dogs and your wife's relations. Don't discuss the following: — Heat records, immigration, tariff reduction. Socialism, minimum wage, gas bills, franchises, graft, tyre trouble, new ttsuight, cubist poetry, creditors, and debtors. CLEVER WAR fOi'PI.ETS. THE KAISER. He wants the earth, but F"ate is hard j and grim, He knows it now: the earth does not want him. CALAIS. Wicked, the Kaiser— but logical he; Calais he'd have, arid callous he'd be. DARDANELLES. Through the Narrow Way We shall gain The Day. hock OR ii(x;h? H.s-k? No, nor aught from Rhine. We hate the German's-winc.

! Admirer: Do you ever paint pictures in the nude? Artist- nh. hardly! I usually wear 'a working jacket. | Vi.-ager: An' did ye find many dead i Germans after the battle? Irish Tommy: Dead Germans! Sure an' the whole' hillside miz aloive wid 'em. I "I 'car some blokes savin' the pubs ort< r be shut up till the war's over ter make 'em eagerer ter defend the i country." "W'y. the country wouldn't Ik- worth defendin''." Fat Man in Trnmcar Why don't one of you young gentlemen get up and let ' one of these ladies sit.dow-n? line of the Young (ientlemen: Why don't you get up and let them all sit down:' A b BY 9 RHYME. A queer little i-oy who had been to school And was up to all sorts of tricks. Discovered that '.I when upside down ' Would pass for the figure li. So when asked his age by a good old dame. The comical youngster said: •Tin 9 when I stand on my f«-ot like this I But 6 when 1 stand on my head."

SAVAGE HUNGER. Mary and Tommy had been to hear a missionary talk at Sunday school. "Did he tell yoti about the poor heathen?'' father inquired at the dinner table. "Yea. sir," answered Mary. 'Tie said that they Were often hungry, and when they beat on the turn-turns it could bo heard for miles." WHAT IT WAS BI'ILT Ol'T OF. "So you like our new house, uncle?" asked Helen, as she walked to th« station with her crabby old relative. "District's all right, very fair." prunted the amiable one as he ambled along. "That's a nice house next door to ue," went on Helen contemplatively. "I'm!" demurred the old one. "No*, that's what 1 call a residence," he paid emphatically, stopping in his walk to point to a very imposing establishment. "Handeome house!" "Yea. uncle, it is. but built out of the proans and cries, the pain and misery, the long nights of anguish of men, women, and children." "So," said the old cnoxp sadly. "A publican?" "No, dear—a dentist!"