PERSONAL ANECDOTES.

Auckland Star, Volume XLII, Issue 209, 2 September 1911, Page 15

PERSONAL ANECDOTES.

THE RAILROAD'S DESTINATION. George Gould was making one of his last trips as president of the Missouri Pacific. His private car was laid out on a siding for some reason or other, and he got out to stretch his legs. An old Irishman was tapping the wheels. Gould went up to him. "Morning. How do you like the wheels?" "Not worth a darn," said the Irishman. "Well, how do you like the car?" "It's good enough for the wheels." "What do you think of the road?" "It matches the car." Gould looked at the old chap for a minute. "Maybe you don't know who I am?" "Yes, 1 do," retorted the Irishman. "You're Gould, and 1 knew your father w-hen he was president of the road. And, by gob, he's going to be president of it again!" "Why, my father is dead," said Mr Gould. "I know that," replied the Irishman, "and the road is going to hell." A QUESTION OF YEAR. A variety artist who is a top-notcher at anecdotes is Walter Kelly, the Virginia Judge. The value of his entertainment at the halls consists in the fact (hat it is an actual pietrrre from life of whit takes place in the police courts in the Southern States of America. Mr Kelly, having been a magistrate himself for two years, has endless amusing stories to relate. One little anecdote is worth mentioning. A negro was sentenced to death for the murder of his wife. The judge said: "You shall be taken hence to Prison, and from there you shall be conveyed on the 3rd of August to , and there be hanged by the neck until you are dead. Has the prisoner anything to say?" The negro calmly leant oveis the dack and quite innocently said, "Jedge, do you mean this August?" THE DUKE AND THE LAUNDRESS. A pleasant story is told of the Duke of the Abruzzi. There was a laundress at Salsomaggiore who had always enjoyed the duke's patronage whenever he went there. The duke, of course, knew nothing about this matter, which was attended to by his chauffeur-valet. For some reason the servant had taken a notion to change laundresses, hence great humiliation on the part of the good little woman, who, naturally, prized hex great patron. What was she to do? She wanted to get an explanation of the matter, at any rate; so one day she placed her* (elf on the road, where the duke was to pass. When he came up, she said to him, "Your Highness is no longer satisfied with your former laundress?" "Who said bo?"

"Why, your Highness no longer sends me his linen, and I am very unhappy about it."

"My poor child," exclaimed the prince. | "I knew nothing about it! Come with me, and we will settle the matter out i of hand." No sooner said than done. The duke ordered his chauffeur to send his linen to his usual Laundress in the future, and when she narrated the incident, she added, enthusiastically:—"And he isn't a hit proud, is our duke, for he is the first man who ever lifted his hat to me." THE KING'S LITTLE JOKE. King George has always been fond of a joke. Hi 9 ship (says "Black and White") was lying off Portsmouth, and coaling had been taking place. In this the Prince, like everyone else on board, had to take his share. When he had finished he looked a pretty picture, being coal-dust from tbc crown of his bead to the aole3 of his boots. One of his messmates made the laughing remark that his grandmother, then staying at Osborne, would have something of n shock if she could see him at the moment. "By Jove," said his Royal Highness, "what a lark! I have a good mind to let her see me." His brother officers egged him on, and a boat was lowered away, and off went the Prince, nearly dying with laughter, and as black as a nigger. By some means or other he managed to gain access to the grounds of Osborne, and presently the familiar donkey-chaise bearing the late Queen hove in sight.; When it got close to him he stepped from where he had been concealed, and approached her Majesty, who gazed at the weird apparition in amazement. Then she made a movement as though to call one of her attendants to throw him out of the place. ''Oh, all right; I will go if yr.:i like," said his Boyal Highness in assumed dudgeon, "but I must say that I don't think it is a very kind way to greet your loving graDdson!" Even the grave old Queen was forced to break into a smile as she recognised the Boyal sailor, but, from all accounts, he received rather a severe "dressing down" from her Majesty when he joined the Royal party at dinner later in the day over the "unseemliness" - ' of his conduct. TEXDERFOOT STORIES. It appears that Mr Louis Wain is not only a delineator of cats, but a teller of excellent stories—dow stories too! And in this month's issue of the "Empire Magazine" he would have us believe the following as told by a "Tenderfoot":— Well, it's this way: I had been fighting up country where" all the fighting took place during the Boer War, and in consequence of a touch of fever I was invalided to the base. Well, I arrived in a disreputable state, mines nit or bank book, and my clothes all shrunken and torn with rough wear and usage. My brother officers in camp who had never seen fire looked down on me with contempt. For they had brought everything over with them that their women relatives could think of to make them comfortable, and they were club polished on the show manoeuvres plan. One dav I caught one of them kicking a Cape retriever, and 1 intervened to save the poor dog. who, in consequence attached himself to me, and became my constant companion. In the course of time these officers and I were attached t:t the flyincr column and the dog followed me. I was soon more disreputable looking than ever. but a change came over things. We were ambushed and taken prisoners. With a small detachment I had showed and in consequence incurred the displeasure of the P>oers, and they banned me tn the camp of the privates, while thev treated the officers well. But a change in my fortunes came abont through rnv faithful retriever. As soon as the camp settled for the ni R ht. "Bill," that was the retriever's name, went foraging in the officers' quarters and brought me a silver-handled brush, a comb? and on separate journeys he appeared with a cake of soap, a towel, a box of razors, a case of bachelor comforts, and by the morning I was one of the smartest men in the camp to look at. Bill took the outfit back with him piecemeal, and although my brother officers looked daggers at Wy appearance, they could say nothing because there were sentries between me and them at night, and the thing was a puzzle. Bill f»r<sc B»»e me away."